great expectations

the origin of "miracle" is from the Latin word "miraculum" meaning "object of wonder" and from the Greek word "meidan" meaning "to smile". it has other origins as well, but these are my favorites. when i think of all the the Lord has done for us, the only word i can use is miraculous. i believe that the emotional healing He has brought into our hearts is miraculous. i believe that the physical healing in my body is miraculous. i believe that the life of our son, this baby that is kicking in my belly as i write, is miraculous.

many months ago, before we became pregnant, a friend gave me a sign that said "expect a miracle". i remember wanting to put it over the door to our nursery and not having the courage to do so. at that time, i wasn't ready to expect such a thing. i didn't have a lot of faith. i wasn't able to commit my heart to such a possibility. gradually, the Lord worked His unfailing love through the walls of my heart and gave me the strength to begin trusting Him. i very clearly remember the day that i moved that sign from its place in our kitchen to its current place over our nursery door. moving the sign was very symbolic for me. it was something tangible that i could look at to encourage me each day, something that reminds me still of my right as a child of the King to ask God for the impossible.

when i feel hesitant to put away baby clothes, when i feel afraid to put up the white letters spelling "brooks", when i worry about whether he's kicking or growing or how healthy he is...my sign reminds me that the miracle isn't over. God is still working. He is working in our son's body, mind, and soul, preparing him for his life on this earth. He is working in our hearts, teaching us to trust, showing us how to love, preparing us to be parents. i can expect a miracle every day. miracles in our own lives and miracles in the lives of those we love and pray for. i heard a pastor say once that our prayers are only limited by the will of God; we can pray big! we can pray confidently! we can pray expectantly! and we can pray specifically...with the stipulation that we pray for God's will in our lives and with the understanding that we must be open to whatever that plan looks like.

i love the freedom this allows. we don't have to be afraid. and when we are afraid, we can ask Him for the impossible, expecting that if it's in His will, He will do it. Everything He allows in our lives is meant for His glory and our good...we just need to expect the miracle.

best day ever

tuesday, august 16th, my little boy finally let me feel him kick! i can't even describe how amazing that moment was. i just got really still so i could feel as much as possible and laughed and cried. God does a lot of things in this world that don't always make sense to me; there are things that He has for us that i can't always see the beauty in. this one, i get. such a simple thing...but a life-changing moment for me. i looked up and said, "oh, that's a good one, Lord!" as i was laughing. i know He has been looking forward to me experiencing this for all of my life; He knew the day it was going to happen. i think of it like a present He's had for me that i finally got to open. and it's something i've always wanted. the perfect gift. further proof of the miracle He continues to work in my life and in my body...i am so very thankful.

snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

after the world's longest wait possible...done not very patiently...WE'RE HAVING A BABY BOY!!!!!!
we had our ultrasound on wednesday and were blessed beyond measure to find out that i have a sweet baby boy in my belly. we will be naming him brooks alan and we couldn't be happier. we are so thankful to God for his growth, his precious little face, his ten fingers and ten toes, his four-chambered heart, both of his kidneys, his perfect little spine, and his beautiful brain (among other things...). i still can't believe that this incredible miracle lives inside of me and i am thankful for each and every day i have with him. i can't wait to see him and hold him!

more peas please!

when i was little, i remember my parents trying to get me to eat things that i didn't think i liked. in particular, i remember fighting them about peas. they were mushy, green, and hard to get on my fork...i saw nothing good about peas. and yet they would always tell me, "just try them. trust us. you will like them!" eventually, many bites of peas later, i did start liking peas. but occasionally, even after this, my little mind forgot that i liked them and i fought my parents all over again the next time the peas were served. it was a cycle that didn't really end until i became an adult. i like peas now, but it took me so many little painful bites to get to that point.

if you're wondering what my point might be...i'm getting there. i think trusting God is a little like this. i talk a lot about trust because it's something that i continually struggle with. i knew writing all these blogs about trusting God would come back to bite me. and by "bite me", i mean that i knew God would bring them to my memory whenever i started having doubts again. He came through last night and today, as usual.

we've reached a point in our pregnancy journey where we aren't having ultrasounds very often, and the progress we are making is hard to see. i haven't felt the baby move yet and even though my trusted pregnancy website says it's ok, i started having doubts. over the weekend, my doubt turned to anxiety, and my anxiety quickly became fear. i spent a restless night tossing and turning, feeling of my belly every time i woke up, only to feel nothing and have my fears flare up again.

i prayed each time before i fell back asleep, "Lord, please help me with my doubt. please keep our baby safe. please let everything be ok." and then, just before i slipped off again, i would softly plead, "and please let me feel it kick." i never felt the baby kick. so today, i took matters into my own hands and called the doctor. we went in for a quick heartbeat check (which was perfect) and our little baby kicked twice in the two minutes we were listening to the heartbeat. i still couldn't feel it, but it was a relief to hear and to know that everything was ok in there. we breathed a huge sigh of relief, said a prayer of thanks to God, and went on with our day.

only when i got in the car did God start talking to me about those peas. it's like i had forgotton how good it was to trust Him. all through the night He had been saying, "just try Me, trust Me, you'll like it" and i fought back with my fearful little heart. of course, once the peas were in my mouth, once we heard the heartbeat and had the proof we wanted of God's goodness, only then did i remember how delicious the peas were.

i am reminded of matthew 6:27-33. i was asking for proof that He heard me last night. and yet His word, His creation, the life i have inside of me...all of this is more proof than i deserve. He cares about the lilies of the field. and He cares about me. all i have to do is believe. all i have to do is trust in His word, in His hand, and in His love.

last night, i turned my nose up at the peas on my plate. but today i was reminded. and i pray for more reminders. i pray for more peas.

symptomatology

there are some people out there who say they feel beautiful, sexy even, when they are pregnant. i am not those people.

don't get me wrong...i LOVE being pregnant and i am finally at a place where i think my belly looks cute (keep your trap shut if you disagree...). but sexy is not even in my vocabulary at this point.

it's funny to me how some women don't even know they are pregnant until sometime into their second trimester. even if i hadn't been checking everything daily like a maniac, there's no way that was slipping up on me. my symptoms wouldn't let me be surprised.

i think i've had them all...
nausea, vomiting, extreme exhaustion, having the appetite of a small dinosaur, hot flashes, sinus problems, headaches, swollen feet, a touch of high blood pressure, and heartburn/indigestion (i thought these were two different things, but i have been informed otherwise...). oh, and don't forget mood swings. God bless my sweet husband.

and now, i have the joy (and distinct honor) of adding another, lesser known symptom to my list. i have been diagnosed with meralgia paresthetica (when i say "i have been diagnosed", i mean that i googled it). sounds glamourous, right? oh...it is!! the short version is that my big o' belly (or my other uterus) is pushing on a tendon that is pinching off a nerve causing me to be unable to feel sensation on my thigh. it's totally numb. and it's very weird. i feel itchiness, and when i scratch the itch goes away, only i can't feel myself scratching...bizarre.... the doctor didn't even know what to call it (i told her i googled it. she didn't seem all that impressed).

so when people ask me, "how are you feeling?" i smile and say "great!"
and i do feel great. i have a beautiful baby growing in my belly and feel blessed beyond measure. symptoms and all.

just do it

be still, there is a Healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

be still, there is a river
that flows from Calvary's tree
a fountain for the thirsty
pure grace that washes over me

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever
   (by chris tomlin)

this is a newer song that has really taken root in my heart. the words speak of comfort, healing, mercy, and grace...all things that i have been blessed with from my God, all things that my heart continues to cry out for. but what specifically spoke to me was the line "i lift my hands to believe again." i think so many times in our lives, we think of thanking God, praising Him, lifting our hands to him, and believing in Him after He does what we want Him to. during the times of pain, confusion, and misunderstanding, we don't feel as easily compelled to lift our hands to Him.

but i interpret this line, "i lift my hands to believe again" to say that it's the lifting of our hands, the praising of His name, the thanking Him through the pain and in spite of the misunderstanding that actually leads us to the belief and trust that He wants for us. the act of worship is what brings us closer to His throne, and He wants us to worship Him in every circumstance. because it is every circumstance that He is working for our good. the obedience of worship, the sacrifice of doing it when we don't feel like it, brings the blessing we so long for.

i have found this to be true in my life, and i see people all around me whose hearts are breaking while they long to be closer to God. i have friends in crisis, family members in pain, and they (like i have done and still do sometimes) continue to try to manage things themselves. they are broken people; they feel trapped and desperate. but they still refuse to try God's way. i understand this. i have been there. it's so hard to see how His plan can be better when we are so far away from His voice. it's hard to get past our pride, our guilt, our own ideas of what works and what doesn't... and yet God tells us to believe in Him, to trust in Him, to worship Him anyway. it's so against what our hearts tell us, but our hearts are sinful, and they deceive us.

God doesn't go away. He doesn't give up. He doesn't stop chasing after His children. all we have to do is to stop and lift our hands to Him. is sounds so simple. and it is.

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my rescue, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever.

learning to trust

so many of the lessons i have learned have been in trusting God. i was thinking recently about all that God has taught me over the last couple of years...and i was wondering what made learning to trust so difficult for me.

being on this side of things...feeling blessed...having my prayers answered...it's much easier to trust in Him. and yet, satan regularly tempts me to stop. trusting is a daily choice for me...it's a conscious decision i have to make. it makes no sense to me that i could have fear and worry after all He has done in my life..and yet i do sometimes.

i think trusting God is something you just have to do. it can't be reasoned out. it doesn't always feel good. it rarely adheres to our preconceived plans. in short, in our human hearts, it just doesn't make good sense. every unknowing part of us screams out that we can handle it, that there's no way the unseen can be better than whatever we have planned. and yet, it is. God's way is always better. it's not easier, necessarily, and it isn't free from pain. but it's better.

i don't understand everything that's happened in my life. but i made a choice to trust in His plan, and He has blessed me through that. i am so thrilled to be pregnant with a healthy baby so far. and i believe there is more happiness to come.  however, trusting God didn't "feel good" at first. it wasn't easy. but every day that i choose to trust makes it easier. feeling the peace that comes from letting go of my way helps me have the ability to do it again tomorrow. it's part of His blessing...that confirmation that He is in control, that He knows what He's doing, and that He loves us way too much to give us less than the best.

i am so thankful that He cares enough to remind me.