there are seasons in life where you learn really hard things. and some where you kind of coast through just existing. and still others where some sweetness happens. sometimes they're all mixed together in some form or another. and if you're like me, sometimes you don't even know which season you're in...
but for the last few weeks, at least, i've recognized some sweetness. not that there isn't any the rest of the time, but these days it's been a little more apparent.
brooks has entered a loving little phase. he calls me "sweet mommy" all the time, which is partly manipulative at times, but i don't actually care, because i adore being called sweet mommy. and i'm thankful that he doesn't know all the things that make me not a sweet mommy most of the time. he hugs a little tighter, actually throwing his arms around our necks; he's saying please and thank you and bless you and excuse me; and i think we are officially completely done with pull-ups for him, even at night, which is icing on this sweet little cake. he wants to snuggle, wants to be a policeman, and wants to be just like his daddy, all excellent aspirations. he's smart, super verbose, long-legged, and really funny. i just love being around him and continue to be surprised by what comes out of his mouth. his imagination grows daily, and his ability to play and laugh and have fun are so refreshing and beautiful to watch.
even more sweet is the incredible opportunity to see the Holy Spirit working in his heart. when he was in my belly and the sonographer told us he had a beautiful heart, i began praying that he would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. that prayer has continued for me through his life thus far, and we regularly see the fruit of this tenderness and sensitivity. it started with questions about songs...his favorite is "i am not alone" by kari jobe. something about that song makes him perk up and pay attention, and he hadn't heard it many times before he began asking me about the lyrics. "why does she keep saying she isn't alone, mommy?" "what does redeemed mean?" "what does it mean when she says He goes before me?" and my answers brought more questions... "why does God love us so much?" "why doesn't He ever leave us?" i've been driving through tears more than once as his little heart was pricked by the Spirit, prompting these precious thoughts. i love hearing his sweet little voice singing praises to our God, even when he doesn't totally understand everything he's singing.
and then, as we lay in his bed the other night, snuggling, me trying to make it quick, him trying to drag it out, he asked me "mommy, why do i disobey?" i confess i was feeling lazy, so i tried to push him off, saying "oh, you just do.." knowing he deserved a better answer but just not feeling up to it. and then, as the Lord would have it, he asked again, more insistently, "but why do i disobey?" and we spent the next 15 minutes talking about sin and what it looks like in his life, what it looks like in my life, and what we're supposed to do about it. i know he's too young to wrap his head around all of that, but just the responsibility of trying to answer such important questions overwhelm me. i'm astounded at his capacity to listen, to question. it makes me love his little heart all the more, and yet it's scary to be accountable for growing, teaching, and molding this little heart. my prayer is that the Lord will continue to grow him and prod him in spite of my fumbling explanations, that i won't get in His way, and that i'll always have an answer for the hope that we have.
it's such a privilege to watch a child discover the Lord. brooks asks these things, prays these prayers, and i almost miss it. at dinner just two days ago, as he blessed our food, telling God how much he loves Him...even though he questions where God is, why we can't see Him, how He can hear us...he still believes enough to say that he loves Jesus. how often do i pray, telling God what i want, when i want it, and how i think it ought to come about, forgetting to just stop and tell Him how much i love Him. brooks thanking God for his toys, for his race track, and my cynical, sinful heart thinking "oh God doesn't care about that", and i'm so wrong. so wrong. i have zero doubts that our Lord stops and shushes everything and everyone when my little boy prays to Him. when anyone prays to Him. He rejoices at my son's love for Him, at his questions, and at his thankfulness. this child challenges my faith in ways i never thought possible, and i am better for it.
our lives are funnier, more joyful, and definitely more rich for loving this little boy. the one who randomly asks things like "do bugs sneeze?" (they do not) and my personal favorite, "do crabs and lobsters have penises?" (they do! two each!). he says he gets his questions from "the question door, when i'm sitting on the potty" although he couldn't show me exactly where the questions "just pop out". so we spend a lot of time on google, and i'm convicted about spending even more time in prayer, because i've got to be ready for his questions. the funny ones, the silly ones, but most importantly, the ones that really matter. if i'm not ready, i'll miss the sweetness. and i don't want to miss it. not ever.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
happenings
the last six months have been pretty eventful in our house...so eventful that i haven't had taken the time to even write it all down! but i woke up early this morning and felt it all swirling in my head, so i'm going to at least try to get started.
here's the short version: we're pregnant with a baby girl, and jeremy has surrendered to the call to ministry to be a worship leader and has started seminary classes. maybe neither of those sounds like a super big deal to you... and that's fine... but whoo-mercy! it's been a big deal for us!
if you don't know our story, then you won't understand why i'm a huge believer in miracles of all shapes and sizes, especially in miracles of the heart, but also in literal, physical miracles. feel free to read back about three years ago... and the Lord has done it again. twice. let me say this up front: we aren't special. we aren't extra important to God. we have been blessed in ways that astound us, our God is great, and i feel compelled to speak of what He has done in our lives. i don't know why He has chosen us for these blessings...but i'm grateful and i will be obedient in the telling of His goodness. miracles aren't just for us. there's no secret formula to getting them. but prayer, obedience, and a surrendering to His will are three sure-fire ways to at least get on the right track. i know because i've been off of that many times, and believe me, it's better on this side!
jeremy and i have been through a lot in our 16 years together (12 of them married). our journey to brooks (our precocious and hilarious 3 1/2 year old) was more than we bargained for but was God's chance to show us what He's made of. He loved us well through those trials and blessings, and we can't imagine our lives without our sweet little brooksey boy. we lost jeremy's dad and grandfather, both in the last 2 1/2 years, and this has been so difficult for our family, and especially for him. walking through that has shown us some dark days, but our God is faithful and has brought us through that with amazing gentleness. i've always been convicted about not spending enough time in prayer for my husband. they say we take those closest to us for granted the most, and i know that's true for me. i get lazy. i get annoyed. i get consumed with everything else in my life, and i forget to pray for the man i love spending this life with so much. about six months ago, the Lord brought fresh conviction for me on this, and began working in my heart, doing the molding and shaping He saw i needed to be more like Him.
it sort of started with jeremy feeling more and more like he wanted a second baby. he's always kind of felt that way, but after all that we went through with brooks, we were feeling a little gun-shy, me especially. i really had no desire for another child, and although i wanted to give my husband what he wanted, i couldn't bring myself to enter into another potentially difficult season without my whole heart being in it. i became pretty adamant about it, actually, and felt like i was totally in the right. until the Lord began this prodding about praying... in the meantime, i had several conversations with Christian friends or heard lessons/sermons about fasting, something i was not familiar with and had never even considered doing. to be brief, God showed me some things through scripture and through these conversations that led me to the decision to fast and pray for a week, specifically for my husband and for the decision of whether or not to try to have another baby.
the purpose of fasting, as i understand it, is to deny yourself food physically in an effort to focus your thoughts/time/efforts on whatever God has spoken to you about. there are lots of ways/versions of fasting, and it should only be done, i believe, after direct conviction from the Lord to do so. for me, this looked like only eating vegetables, whole grains, and water for a week. when i felt hungry and started thinking about donuts and pancakes, i stopped and prayed for my husband. and i began to begrudgingly pray that if the Lord wanted us to have another baby, that He would begin to change my heart so that i would have a desire for another baby. by the end of the week, i felt good about being obedient in what the Lord had asked me to do, but i can't say that i felt especially different in any other way. i did get to the point where i could say "Lord, if you want us to have another baby, then ok, i guess i can get on board with that", but it wasn't the "i really want another baby" that i had in mind. i also hadn't come to any mind-blowing conclusions about my relationship with jeremy, but again felt good about spending that time in prayer for him.
sometime later, maybe a week or two?, jeremy started talking about wanting to lead worship at church. his interest in music has always been present, but not in a way that would put him in front of others in a leadership role. looking back, i see the Lord at work in his heart before this time, as jeremy had taught himself to play the guitar (quite well!) and had been feeling a desire to be involved more in the music at church, but i couldn't see it at this time just yet. as talking turned to a more serious desire, we began to realize that the Lord was calling him to worship leadership. the decision to begin seminary classes came shortly thereafter, and though things aren't happening easily, God is slowing moving that process along, teaching my sweet husband, and allowing him opportunities to serve through music in ways that he never thought possible. in the meantime, the Lord had continued to work in my heart in the baby area. and one morning i woke up and found myself praying, "Lord, if this is what you want for us, then this is what i want. i want another baby. please give us one more miracle." i remember opening my eyes and audibly saying "whoa"... i couldn't believe my heart had come so far. i certainly wasn't looking forward to any more miscarriages, another difficult pregnancy, more scary and uncertain times, but i knew that if God wanted another miller in this family, then it would be worth me risking my heart.
a friend gave me a book on "taking control over my fertility" or something like that, and i read it with plans to do just that. except i never had to. because it was never about me taking control of anything. we were pregnant before i could even blink. and now it's 21 weeks later, and we have a little lynnley weston miller (named after me, and in honor of his dad) on the way, due november 18. there have been no miscarriages, no medicines, no high risk doctors, no shots. there has been only "normal pregnancy". i've been blown away at the normalcy. when i think of miracles, i think of the big ways He worked in my body with brooks. and yet, this changing of my heart, this "normal" pregnancy... the ease and lack of anxiety that this time has allowed... it's just another day for my God to say "I am God, and you are not, and I've got this." it's another, maybe more simple miracle, but no less profound to me.
my husband is serving God in a way that has meaning and purpose for him, a way that is blessing others and me. our sweet brooks is growing and changing and becoming even more precious to us daily than the day before. i hear him talking and playing in his room, as my quiet time winds down and the day begins. and little lynnley is kicking in my belly as i write this, letting me know we have many surprises to come. our God is so good. and we are so thankful. so very, very thankful for the amount of love and grace He has afforded to us. i don't know what the future holds, what He has in store for us, but i know i want whatever He has for us. if it's beautiful or difficult, if it's His will, i want it, and i know that He will take us through it. i have more to say... maybe tomorrow.
here's the short version: we're pregnant with a baby girl, and jeremy has surrendered to the call to ministry to be a worship leader and has started seminary classes. maybe neither of those sounds like a super big deal to you... and that's fine... but whoo-mercy! it's been a big deal for us!
if you don't know our story, then you won't understand why i'm a huge believer in miracles of all shapes and sizes, especially in miracles of the heart, but also in literal, physical miracles. feel free to read back about three years ago... and the Lord has done it again. twice. let me say this up front: we aren't special. we aren't extra important to God. we have been blessed in ways that astound us, our God is great, and i feel compelled to speak of what He has done in our lives. i don't know why He has chosen us for these blessings...but i'm grateful and i will be obedient in the telling of His goodness. miracles aren't just for us. there's no secret formula to getting them. but prayer, obedience, and a surrendering to His will are three sure-fire ways to at least get on the right track. i know because i've been off of that many times, and believe me, it's better on this side!
jeremy and i have been through a lot in our 16 years together (12 of them married). our journey to brooks (our precocious and hilarious 3 1/2 year old) was more than we bargained for but was God's chance to show us what He's made of. He loved us well through those trials and blessings, and we can't imagine our lives without our sweet little brooksey boy. we lost jeremy's dad and grandfather, both in the last 2 1/2 years, and this has been so difficult for our family, and especially for him. walking through that has shown us some dark days, but our God is faithful and has brought us through that with amazing gentleness. i've always been convicted about not spending enough time in prayer for my husband. they say we take those closest to us for granted the most, and i know that's true for me. i get lazy. i get annoyed. i get consumed with everything else in my life, and i forget to pray for the man i love spending this life with so much. about six months ago, the Lord brought fresh conviction for me on this, and began working in my heart, doing the molding and shaping He saw i needed to be more like Him.
it sort of started with jeremy feeling more and more like he wanted a second baby. he's always kind of felt that way, but after all that we went through with brooks, we were feeling a little gun-shy, me especially. i really had no desire for another child, and although i wanted to give my husband what he wanted, i couldn't bring myself to enter into another potentially difficult season without my whole heart being in it. i became pretty adamant about it, actually, and felt like i was totally in the right. until the Lord began this prodding about praying... in the meantime, i had several conversations with Christian friends or heard lessons/sermons about fasting, something i was not familiar with and had never even considered doing. to be brief, God showed me some things through scripture and through these conversations that led me to the decision to fast and pray for a week, specifically for my husband and for the decision of whether or not to try to have another baby.
the purpose of fasting, as i understand it, is to deny yourself food physically in an effort to focus your thoughts/time/efforts on whatever God has spoken to you about. there are lots of ways/versions of fasting, and it should only be done, i believe, after direct conviction from the Lord to do so. for me, this looked like only eating vegetables, whole grains, and water for a week. when i felt hungry and started thinking about donuts and pancakes, i stopped and prayed for my husband. and i began to begrudgingly pray that if the Lord wanted us to have another baby, that He would begin to change my heart so that i would have a desire for another baby. by the end of the week, i felt good about being obedient in what the Lord had asked me to do, but i can't say that i felt especially different in any other way. i did get to the point where i could say "Lord, if you want us to have another baby, then ok, i guess i can get on board with that", but it wasn't the "i really want another baby" that i had in mind. i also hadn't come to any mind-blowing conclusions about my relationship with jeremy, but again felt good about spending that time in prayer for him.
sometime later, maybe a week or two?, jeremy started talking about wanting to lead worship at church. his interest in music has always been present, but not in a way that would put him in front of others in a leadership role. looking back, i see the Lord at work in his heart before this time, as jeremy had taught himself to play the guitar (quite well!) and had been feeling a desire to be involved more in the music at church, but i couldn't see it at this time just yet. as talking turned to a more serious desire, we began to realize that the Lord was calling him to worship leadership. the decision to begin seminary classes came shortly thereafter, and though things aren't happening easily, God is slowing moving that process along, teaching my sweet husband, and allowing him opportunities to serve through music in ways that he never thought possible. in the meantime, the Lord had continued to work in my heart in the baby area. and one morning i woke up and found myself praying, "Lord, if this is what you want for us, then this is what i want. i want another baby. please give us one more miracle." i remember opening my eyes and audibly saying "whoa"... i couldn't believe my heart had come so far. i certainly wasn't looking forward to any more miscarriages, another difficult pregnancy, more scary and uncertain times, but i knew that if God wanted another miller in this family, then it would be worth me risking my heart.
a friend gave me a book on "taking control over my fertility" or something like that, and i read it with plans to do just that. except i never had to. because it was never about me taking control of anything. we were pregnant before i could even blink. and now it's 21 weeks later, and we have a little lynnley weston miller (named after me, and in honor of his dad) on the way, due november 18. there have been no miscarriages, no medicines, no high risk doctors, no shots. there has been only "normal pregnancy". i've been blown away at the normalcy. when i think of miracles, i think of the big ways He worked in my body with brooks. and yet, this changing of my heart, this "normal" pregnancy... the ease and lack of anxiety that this time has allowed... it's just another day for my God to say "I am God, and you are not, and I've got this." it's another, maybe more simple miracle, but no less profound to me.
my husband is serving God in a way that has meaning and purpose for him, a way that is blessing others and me. our sweet brooks is growing and changing and becoming even more precious to us daily than the day before. i hear him talking and playing in his room, as my quiet time winds down and the day begins. and little lynnley is kicking in my belly as i write this, letting me know we have many surprises to come. our God is so good. and we are so thankful. so very, very thankful for the amount of love and grace He has afforded to us. i don't know what the future holds, what He has in store for us, but i know i want whatever He has for us. if it's beautiful or difficult, if it's His will, i want it, and i know that He will take us through it. i have more to say... maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
the heart wants what it wants
this stuff has been swirling around in my head for a week or two, working itself out in my heart as the Holy Spirit has been whispering, prodding, and convicting…
“the heart wants what it wants.”
i was listening to “adult radio” the other day when my son wasn’t in the car (our local top 40 station), singing along to these lyrics, when the wheels in my brain started turning. my first thought was that i should probably change the station…and my second thought was that i agreed with selena…the heart does want what it wants. our hearts are sinful and wicked, concerned only with ourselves, and we want what we want when we want it. but while the song was talking about this from a love/romance/sexuality perspective, i saw it differently.
we are created in the image of Christ, designed and built to desire relationship with and provide worship to Him. ultimately, that’s what our hearts want. it’s what they were created to want. sin doesn’t change that fact. our hearts crave communion with our Creator, and we search for it vigorously. we just don’t look in the right places. we use earthly relationships, jobs, hobbies, money, sex, and a multitude of other things to try to satiate the ache that our hearts cry out with. we are hungry for more of our Savior, thirsty for living water. but we fill our minds, our hearts, our homes with the things of the world that cannot satisfy us. and so, our hearts want. (see Psalm 42:2, 63:1, and 143:6…even king david’s heart thirsted for more.)
as Christians, we guard against the sinful desires of our hearts. we spend time reading God’s word, we spend time talking with Him in prayer, we practice living in ways that are pleasing to Him. and yet, we cannot fully rid ourselves of the sin in our hearts. we just can’t. it’s not that these efforts are fruitless or hopeless…drawing nearer to the Lord always brings blessing. even a little bit of Christ is better than all this world has to offer…and our hearts will always seek Him, or something else in place of Him.
i’ve seen this in my own life lately… my husband and i have been working on some things in our relationship, weeding out some issues, learning to love each other better. i’ve never been more aware of my selfish heart than during these conversations with him. even in my desire to be less selfish, to be a more godly wife, i see flesh, self, and stubbornness. another song has been playing in my head on repeat…
”burn away” by meredith andrews…
“burn away everything that breaks Your heart, everything that is not love. purify my every thought. take away everything that comes between us, everything that is untrue. Jesus make me more like you.”
even as i’ve been singing this, i’ve wondered if i could really honestly pray these lyrics. do i really want to be rid of everything that breaks God’s heart? what would that look like? would there be anything left of me if all of that was gone? and the Lord has answered with a resounding “then you would look like ME!” and that thought is like a rush of overwhelming, life-giving, crashing on the shores of my heart water. i’m not sure that there’s anything in me that would be left if everything that comes between me and Jesus were gone. and i know that that’s where i want to be. as much as i hold onto my pride, whatever i think i deserve…none of it matters. because my heart cries out for more Jesus. i long to love my husband, my family, my friends, my church, the way that He loves them. if He will only continue to break and tear and consume and burn away at my heart…not to stop wanting what it wants, but to seek hard for what it really wants.
“the heart wants what it wants.”
i was listening to “adult radio” the other day when my son wasn’t in the car (our local top 40 station), singing along to these lyrics, when the wheels in my brain started turning. my first thought was that i should probably change the station…and my second thought was that i agreed with selena…the heart does want what it wants. our hearts are sinful and wicked, concerned only with ourselves, and we want what we want when we want it. but while the song was talking about this from a love/romance/sexuality perspective, i saw it differently.
we are created in the image of Christ, designed and built to desire relationship with and provide worship to Him. ultimately, that’s what our hearts want. it’s what they were created to want. sin doesn’t change that fact. our hearts crave communion with our Creator, and we search for it vigorously. we just don’t look in the right places. we use earthly relationships, jobs, hobbies, money, sex, and a multitude of other things to try to satiate the ache that our hearts cry out with. we are hungry for more of our Savior, thirsty for living water. but we fill our minds, our hearts, our homes with the things of the world that cannot satisfy us. and so, our hearts want. (see Psalm 42:2, 63:1, and 143:6…even king david’s heart thirsted for more.)
as Christians, we guard against the sinful desires of our hearts. we spend time reading God’s word, we spend time talking with Him in prayer, we practice living in ways that are pleasing to Him. and yet, we cannot fully rid ourselves of the sin in our hearts. we just can’t. it’s not that these efforts are fruitless or hopeless…drawing nearer to the Lord always brings blessing. even a little bit of Christ is better than all this world has to offer…and our hearts will always seek Him, or something else in place of Him.
i’ve seen this in my own life lately… my husband and i have been working on some things in our relationship, weeding out some issues, learning to love each other better. i’ve never been more aware of my selfish heart than during these conversations with him. even in my desire to be less selfish, to be a more godly wife, i see flesh, self, and stubbornness. another song has been playing in my head on repeat…
”burn away” by meredith andrews…
“burn away everything that breaks Your heart, everything that is not love. purify my every thought. take away everything that comes between us, everything that is untrue. Jesus make me more like you.”
even as i’ve been singing this, i’ve wondered if i could really honestly pray these lyrics. do i really want to be rid of everything that breaks God’s heart? what would that look like? would there be anything left of me if all of that was gone? and the Lord has answered with a resounding “then you would look like ME!” and that thought is like a rush of overwhelming, life-giving, crashing on the shores of my heart water. i’m not sure that there’s anything in me that would be left if everything that comes between me and Jesus were gone. and i know that that’s where i want to be. as much as i hold onto my pride, whatever i think i deserve…none of it matters. because my heart cries out for more Jesus. i long to love my husband, my family, my friends, my church, the way that He loves them. if He will only continue to break and tear and consume and burn away at my heart…not to stop wanting what it wants, but to seek hard for what it really wants.
Monday, December 29, 2014
start with me
this is not a "new year's resolution" post. let's just get that out of the way now. i'm not really into those. mostly because i don't ever stick to any of them (like most of you, i'm guessing), and i really hate not doing something that i say i'm going to do. so i just don't make them. but i am working on some things, or rather, God is. again.
my heart needs constant re-breaking, re-shaping... i'm so thankful for a God who keeps at it, who sticks with me, who fulfills His promises. He's been at it for a while, now, working through some friends and family to help us love each other better, parent better, and get really honest about the state of our hearts. particularly for me, it's uncovered some ugliness i'd rather not really admit to. i've spent a lot of time asking the Lord to make me aware of the state of my heart, to show me where i'm not honoring Him and to give me the strength to deal with what needs to be different. twice in the last week, as He often does, He has placed some specific songs in my ears to help drive home some of the finer points.
the first came earlier in the week. i was thinking about how being a stay-at-home mom is such a blessing. how hopefully my son will be better in the long-term because of the time we spend together now. of how much i enjoy being at home with him. how good it is for my soul. and i've always been somewhat staggered at how great of a responsibility that entails. i'm responsible for his behavior, his emotional health, his safety, and most importantly, teaching him about our Jesus. it's a lot that sometimes overwhelms me. and then i heard "start with me" by meredith andrews, and the chorus says: my life is an empty cup. fill it up! fill it up! i wanna hear every rescued heart cry "You're enough! You're enough!" break what needs breaking until You're all we see. and start with me. start with me. and the Holy Spirit began speaking to me...staying at home isn't just about making and molding brooks. it's about making and molding me. teaching me to give Him my entire day, the good moments and the mundane. showing me how to trust when i don't have the answers. honoring Him with my time, my effots. praising Him for all the little blessings that come each day. i can't impact my child's life for Christ if my own heart isn't completely surrendered to Him...
and so my prayer began to "start with me", Lord. i even wrote it on my chalkboard. and then yesterday, during worship, i heard myself singing "my heart will sing no other name...Jesus, Jesus". and again the Holy Spirit pricked my heart, saying "well? does it?" i had to stop for a moment, because the truth is that my heart sings a lot of things. it sings of my husband and son a lot of the time. sometimes my friends and other family. it sings of my church. but a lot of the time it just sings of me. a flat, selfish, out-of-tune note that i try to make sound ok... when my heart was created to sing only of Jesus. everything i do at home, at church, anywhere, should sing of Jesus. as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, a daughter... my call is to be broken before the Lord and to set my own strong will aside for the will and plan of Christ.
i don't have any easy answers to making this happen, but i pray that my house, my family, my heart will glorify the Father, that we will be a picture of His grace, His love, and the miraculous change that only He can bring about. start with me, God. tune my heart to sing Your praise. bind this far-wandering heart to You. break what needs breaking until You are all that i see. and start with me.
my heart needs constant re-breaking, re-shaping... i'm so thankful for a God who keeps at it, who sticks with me, who fulfills His promises. He's been at it for a while, now, working through some friends and family to help us love each other better, parent better, and get really honest about the state of our hearts. particularly for me, it's uncovered some ugliness i'd rather not really admit to. i've spent a lot of time asking the Lord to make me aware of the state of my heart, to show me where i'm not honoring Him and to give me the strength to deal with what needs to be different. twice in the last week, as He often does, He has placed some specific songs in my ears to help drive home some of the finer points.
the first came earlier in the week. i was thinking about how being a stay-at-home mom is such a blessing. how hopefully my son will be better in the long-term because of the time we spend together now. of how much i enjoy being at home with him. how good it is for my soul. and i've always been somewhat staggered at how great of a responsibility that entails. i'm responsible for his behavior, his emotional health, his safety, and most importantly, teaching him about our Jesus. it's a lot that sometimes overwhelms me. and then i heard "start with me" by meredith andrews, and the chorus says: my life is an empty cup. fill it up! fill it up! i wanna hear every rescued heart cry "You're enough! You're enough!" break what needs breaking until You're all we see. and start with me. start with me. and the Holy Spirit began speaking to me...staying at home isn't just about making and molding brooks. it's about making and molding me. teaching me to give Him my entire day, the good moments and the mundane. showing me how to trust when i don't have the answers. honoring Him with my time, my effots. praising Him for all the little blessings that come each day. i can't impact my child's life for Christ if my own heart isn't completely surrendered to Him...
and so my prayer began to "start with me", Lord. i even wrote it on my chalkboard. and then yesterday, during worship, i heard myself singing "my heart will sing no other name...Jesus, Jesus". and again the Holy Spirit pricked my heart, saying "well? does it?" i had to stop for a moment, because the truth is that my heart sings a lot of things. it sings of my husband and son a lot of the time. sometimes my friends and other family. it sings of my church. but a lot of the time it just sings of me. a flat, selfish, out-of-tune note that i try to make sound ok... when my heart was created to sing only of Jesus. everything i do at home, at church, anywhere, should sing of Jesus. as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, a daughter... my call is to be broken before the Lord and to set my own strong will aside for the will and plan of Christ.
i don't have any easy answers to making this happen, but i pray that my house, my family, my heart will glorify the Father, that we will be a picture of His grace, His love, and the miraculous change that only He can bring about. start with me, God. tune my heart to sing Your praise. bind this far-wandering heart to You. break what needs breaking until You are all that i see. and start with me.
Friday, August 29, 2014
wisten!
i don't know how people who work full-time and still function as mothers do it. i don't know how people with more than one little person do it. i don't know how single parents do it. i have it easy...and i can barely do it!
i'm amazed at how "busy" i am...with nowhere i have to be, nothing i have to do...still, i am busy. my little one wakes up and asks "where are we going today, mommy?", and i cringe a little bit inside. granted, we're doing fun things, important things. things like going to see grandparents and great-grandparents. helping at church. visiting friends. going to the playground. and don't forget about the occasional not-fun grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, etc. seriously...how do other people do all of this?
i'm not complaining. i'm just saying that it's tricky to be a parent. there's a lot to juggle. some days i get into bed and i think, "yes! i did ok today!". and other days i pray, "Lord, may today not have caused too much permanent damage..." I think everybody does the best they can do, and sometimes that's good enough, and sometimes it isn't.
but it takes a village. like, for real. a village.
my village is my husband and family, my friends, my church family and MOPs group... i don't know what i would do without any of them. from babysitting duties to advice, from an ear to vent to and arms to hug...they do it all. recently, we started our third attempt at potty training our 2 1/2 year old (he will be 3 in december). the first two attempts were, shall we say...terrible. they involved a lot of pee on my floor, a lot of frustration on my part, and a whole bunch of words in my head that i can't say here. with brooks showing multiple signs of "being ready", i did the only thing i had left: i asked for help. it's not that i don't like asking for help...truly...i just was raised to try to do it myself first. and sometimes, that's painful. this time, my sister-in-law graciously gave me all the wisdom of having done this three times already (with a fourth soon-to-come). she kindly showed me that i was doing the opposite of what worked for her (although i was doing what "all the books" told me to do), and encouraged me to give this new way a try.
i won't lie and say it was easy. but it sure as heck was easier and exponentially more successful than my previous attempts. we are on day three today of no diapers (can i get a "whoop whoop!!"), and there have been some ups and downs, and a little more pee in the floor, but nothing like previously. i'm amazed at how much of this process was simply a learning process for ME! getting to know my child better, watching for his cues and signals, and definitely embracing and changing things about my own reactions and expectations. i joked on instagram that it should be called patience training instead of potty training, but in all reality, that's what it's been for me. i am not, by nature, a patient person. and this whole journey of parenthood...that's a huge part of what it's about. learning to be patient. learning to be present. learning to be less busy. while my boy sat on the potty, i got to watch him turn his hands into airplanes, listen to him make up silly songs, and we've had a lot of time to just sit and read and talk. i've had hours (no exaggeration) to stare at his long, beautiful eyelashes, wipe his tears, and cheer him on as he says "wisten (listen) mommy! pee-pee! wisten!" we've had large amounts of sugar, been through a lot of laundry and wet wipes, and i can't believe how much differently i feel about him, about parenting, and about our time together as compared to three days ago. many times over the last few days, i have wished for help, for chocolate, for wine...but there's something to be said for going through a battle together. just he and i. well...he and i and aunt tida's genius advice...
we did it, little sugarbear. we made it. we'll keep learning together, i know. be patient with me, as i am learning to be with myself. you are my gift, my miracle. and thank God you're at least halfway potty trained.
i'm amazed at how "busy" i am...with nowhere i have to be, nothing i have to do...still, i am busy. my little one wakes up and asks "where are we going today, mommy?", and i cringe a little bit inside. granted, we're doing fun things, important things. things like going to see grandparents and great-grandparents. helping at church. visiting friends. going to the playground. and don't forget about the occasional not-fun grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, etc. seriously...how do other people do all of this?
i'm not complaining. i'm just saying that it's tricky to be a parent. there's a lot to juggle. some days i get into bed and i think, "yes! i did ok today!". and other days i pray, "Lord, may today not have caused too much permanent damage..." I think everybody does the best they can do, and sometimes that's good enough, and sometimes it isn't.
but it takes a village. like, for real. a village.
my village is my husband and family, my friends, my church family and MOPs group... i don't know what i would do without any of them. from babysitting duties to advice, from an ear to vent to and arms to hug...they do it all. recently, we started our third attempt at potty training our 2 1/2 year old (he will be 3 in december). the first two attempts were, shall we say...terrible. they involved a lot of pee on my floor, a lot of frustration on my part, and a whole bunch of words in my head that i can't say here. with brooks showing multiple signs of "being ready", i did the only thing i had left: i asked for help. it's not that i don't like asking for help...truly...i just was raised to try to do it myself first. and sometimes, that's painful. this time, my sister-in-law graciously gave me all the wisdom of having done this three times already (with a fourth soon-to-come). she kindly showed me that i was doing the opposite of what worked for her (although i was doing what "all the books" told me to do), and encouraged me to give this new way a try.
i won't lie and say it was easy. but it sure as heck was easier and exponentially more successful than my previous attempts. we are on day three today of no diapers (can i get a "whoop whoop!!"), and there have been some ups and downs, and a little more pee in the floor, but nothing like previously. i'm amazed at how much of this process was simply a learning process for ME! getting to know my child better, watching for his cues and signals, and definitely embracing and changing things about my own reactions and expectations. i joked on instagram that it should be called patience training instead of potty training, but in all reality, that's what it's been for me. i am not, by nature, a patient person. and this whole journey of parenthood...that's a huge part of what it's about. learning to be patient. learning to be present. learning to be less busy. while my boy sat on the potty, i got to watch him turn his hands into airplanes, listen to him make up silly songs, and we've had a lot of time to just sit and read and talk. i've had hours (no exaggeration) to stare at his long, beautiful eyelashes, wipe his tears, and cheer him on as he says "wisten (listen) mommy! pee-pee! wisten!" we've had large amounts of sugar, been through a lot of laundry and wet wipes, and i can't believe how much differently i feel about him, about parenting, and about our time together as compared to three days ago. many times over the last few days, i have wished for help, for chocolate, for wine...but there's something to be said for going through a battle together. just he and i. well...he and i and aunt tida's genius advice...
we did it, little sugarbear. we made it. we'll keep learning together, i know. be patient with me, as i am learning to be with myself. you are my gift, my miracle. and thank God you're at least halfway potty trained.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
a sad tale
i'm getting old. seriously.
allow me to present my case.
in the last two days i have done/said/thought multiple things that i feel typically reside w/ the elderly population. it started yesterday with a not-at-all graceful fall. and by fall, i mean that i ended up in the splits. i haven't done the splits in 23 years. and now i have a purple kneecap and a sore toe. i may have broken a hip.
start watching for good deals on wheelchairs for me on craigslist...
today i remarked that a teenager's dress was "way too short". i did love her shoes, but then remembered that i had chosen comfortable, sensible footwear for the day. i actually tried on a cuter pair with my outfit. and then consciously chose the ones that wouldn't cause me to limp at the end of the day.
get my tapioca pudding ready...
i was hungry for dinner at 4:30pm. this never happens. unless you're old, of course. which i am. i ate casseroles at a baptist church at 4:30pm. i got home at 7 and wanted to go to bed. but i have heartburn, so instead i watched a piano concert on PBS. and i liked it.
someone buy me a life-alert bracelet...
what is happening to me?! i've always been a little older in spirit than other people my age...i say i'm an "old soul". i love antiques. i read books printed on paper. i send snail mail. i own "vintage" clothing. i shop at goodwill.
so there you have it, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. i completely skipped middle age. 35 is the new elderly.
allow me to present my case.
in the last two days i have done/said/thought multiple things that i feel typically reside w/ the elderly population. it started yesterday with a not-at-all graceful fall. and by fall, i mean that i ended up in the splits. i haven't done the splits in 23 years. and now i have a purple kneecap and a sore toe. i may have broken a hip.
start watching for good deals on wheelchairs for me on craigslist...
today i remarked that a teenager's dress was "way too short". i did love her shoes, but then remembered that i had chosen comfortable, sensible footwear for the day. i actually tried on a cuter pair with my outfit. and then consciously chose the ones that wouldn't cause me to limp at the end of the day.
get my tapioca pudding ready...
i was hungry for dinner at 4:30pm. this never happens. unless you're old, of course. which i am. i ate casseroles at a baptist church at 4:30pm. i got home at 7 and wanted to go to bed. but i have heartburn, so instead i watched a piano concert on PBS. and i liked it.
someone buy me a life-alert bracelet...
what is happening to me?! i've always been a little older in spirit than other people my age...i say i'm an "old soul". i love antiques. i read books printed on paper. i send snail mail. i own "vintage" clothing. i shop at goodwill.
so there you have it, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. i completely skipped middle age. 35 is the new elderly.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
new things
so we know that our kid loves dirt. he's all boy, for sure. dirt, trucks, cars, trains, construction vehicles, and more dirt. he is most happy playing with some combination of those things. but it's fun watching these interests evolve, watching him learn, hearing him speak more articulately about them, discovering new things.
dandelions and dirt were eaten...he survived. he laughed. he said dirt is "yucky" (thankfully..). the dandelions in his mouth were especially hilarious. he was not a fan but was totally fascinated. and then we found the worm.... after the dirt and dandelions, my first instinct was to say "don't eat it!". he obeyed, fortunately, and then we got to talk about it being an animal, why God made worms (because they help the garden? right?), how we have to be gentle with them. then i found myself offering to pick it up for him (what?! that unconditional love kicked in, i suppose. i just wanted to see him smile!). he held it in his hand for a few seconds and then quickly shook it off. we watched it wriggle for a little bit, covered it back up with dirt, and started digging for more.
it was such a fun little snippet of time. watching his amazement. his wonder. i will do anything to make him happy. even pick up worms.
today was beautiful, so out we went. the box of dirt is a favorite hang-out, and i obliged him once more. i can't resist those big brown eyes. but today, we discovered some new fun...dandelions and worms!
it was such a fun little snippet of time. watching his amazement. his wonder. i will do anything to make him happy. even pick up worms.
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