rest

our pastor preached on psalm 46 today:
verse 1 says that "God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble." it goes on to describe the abundance of that protection and strength and paints a beautiful picture of the refuge that Jesus can be for a weary soul. but as compelling as this part of the chapter is, it's verse 10 that caught my heart's attention today: "be still and know that I am God." be still. this isn't something i excel at. even when i sleep, i wiggle around all over the place and usually end up in a knot of pajamas and sheets. i don't do still very well at all. but this is what God commands. this is how we are to be if we wish to hear His voice, feel His touch, experience His blessings. the meaning of the word "still" in this verse is described in ancient texts as a command to cease striving, stop fighting....to rest!!

this stepped on my toes a little bit. i am a fighter. i am a nurse and my very existence in the hospital is a function of fighting. i fight for my patients, i fight for their families, i fight against diseases, i fight against death. to be still in my profession is to give up. to be still is to allow the dark to win. to be still is to admit defeat. my brain just doesn't work that way. if i'm honest, my pride doesn't work that way. ouch!! but even on my best days, His way is sooo much better. after all, it's only through His power and grace that i am ever successful at any endeavor i enter into. in my spiritual life, i have a hard time turning off the "i can handle it" switch. i heard mary beth chapman describe this tendency as feeling like God needed me to be the fouth member of the trinity. while i am not bold enough to admit out loud that i feel that way, i surely act that way sometimes! and when things get rough...what do i do first? i try to handle it and then go to God. this is so backwards, so contrary to what He wants to be in our lives. He says, "stop fighting, rest in Me. let Me be your refuge, the river that brings you joy, your protection and strength in times of trouble." why do i make it so hard on myself? why do i insist on trying it my way first? i love this chapter and i love the lesson that it taught me today. rest. rest in God's ways. they are always better. they are always true. His grace is enough...if we only let Him be enough...if we rest.

laundry schmaundry

some of you know this story, but i feel compelled to share it with the world (plus, it gives me an excuse to post this picture...which i find to be hilarious!). we have a laundry problem at our house. we have plenty of clothes, but we can't seem to keep up with the washing, drying, folding, and hanging. it seems simple enough...after all, there are only two of us. but alas, simple continues to elude us in this department. when we moved into our home a little over a year ago, we brought with us a large amount of unwashed laundry (i won't say "dirty laundry"...that just invites you to judge me...). since we have a couple of guest rooms we don't use that often, the ever-growing pile was placed in one of them, the door closed, and brave souls only ventured in when there was a particular item we could no longer live without. this went on for some time until recently, when we decided enough was enough. now, let me pause for a moment and caution you: what i am about to tell you has happened to us before. twice. but i swear...this is the LAST time....

so where was i? oh yes, enough was enough. we took an otherwise boring tuesday and turned it into something fantastic. you guessed it...we went to the laundromat. ten bucks to the person who guesses how many loads of laundry we did that day. i'll give you a hint...it cost us forty bucks! that's right...sixteen loads of laundry.

take a moment here, pick up your jaw, stop laughing. i'm serious. the entire wall of dryers was going with nothing but our clothes for a good hour. i imagine we single-handedly funded that laundromat for the rest of the year. in any case...we whipped that pile of clothes into shape. we found clothes we didn't know we had. it was like christmas!

and they say money can't buy happiness...

settling in, hunkering down

it's been a while since i've posted. i've just been busy...and my heart's been busy. or rather, God's been busy working in my heart. it's an interesting place that we are in right now. God has used many difficult times in my life to draw me to Him, but never before like this. i have been so broken, so saddened, not just by our miscarriages, but by the realization that i fall so short of what He intends for me. and He is using it all...every single broken piece, every fragment and shred that i have left, every battered and bruised part of my soul. He is using it to show me who He is. i am learning to love God and have come to trust Him for who He is, not for what He does. because things in my life aren't exactly working out the way i planned. and fortunately for me, God isn't working in my life the way i'd planned, either. He is working the way He planned. and amen to that!!

God is blessing me through my precious husband. jeremy's always been a nice guy, a good husband. but he has been as broken by the last few months as i have, and he has managed to keep it all together. he has been my strength. he made me get out of bed, made me paint the fireplace mantle (his little trick to get me doing something i love), and has allowed me into the beautiful parts of his soul that i had not yet had the privilege of seeing. God is so evident in his life. he is earnestly seeking God, trying to be the man God has called him to be. he encourages me daily, challenges me to live in ways that are more pleasing to God. he keeps me honest and loves me perfectly. our marriage hasn't always been easy, but remaining committed to each other, sometimes when we didn't want to (i can't imagine living with me...), has been the biggest blessing of my life. obviously, God's way is best...but this is proof that i can physically see, a wonderful display of what God can do with imperfect people when we allow ourselves to be used by Him, when we choose to be obedient.

God is also working in other ways. both jeremy and i feel distinctly and unmistakably called towards adoption. we also hope to become pregnant again, with anxious and hopeful hearts. it's kind of a mixed calling, i guess, but i know that God will work it out in His perfect timing. i have no idea if either venture will end with a baby in my arms, but i trust that His perfect will will be done, whatever that looks like. i have finally been able to admit to myself, and to God (although He already knew, of course) how badly i want a child. it probably seems obvious, but i hadn't been able to admit it until this week. i have always said that my marriage was enough for me, and while this is true, i deeply want more than enough. is this selfish? perhaps...but i am just being honest. if it doesn't happen for us, i know that we will be ok. but in the meantime, i am pouring out my mother's heart to God. i know He hears my prayers, regardless of how He decides to answer. He knows the longing i feel. He knows how much my sweet husband wants to hold a tiny hand. He knows and He cares. and He is actively answering our prayers...we just can't see it all quite yet, and it may not look like what we have in mind.

i am excited to see what is ahead for us. i am curious, anxious, expectant. i am waiting to see what He has in store. and trusting in that unseen future is a daily exercise for me. it's a choice i have to consciously make every day, sometimes multiple times a day. trust doesn't come naturally, and the world throws me many reasons to doubt my God. but i believe romans 8:28 that "all things work together for good". so i am settling in. i am hunkering down in preparation for the storms that i know will still come. i am waiting on the Lord. and i am trusting.

some things i'm learning

i have had some dark places in my life recently. two miscarriages in the space of six months has been almost more than i can bear. but yet again, God says "I am in control" and He continues to love me extravagantly.

not all of you will agree with me, but i believe with my whole heart that both of these babies were, in fact, babies. they weren't just a bunch of cells...they weren't simply fertilized eggs...this belief of mine is not convenient for me, mind you. the loss might feel differently if i didn't believe this way. but i do...and so i am dealing with it in my own time.

psalm 139 says two things in particular that speak to my heart this morning:
a: verse 12: even the darkness is not dark to You. the night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to You.
b: verses 13-16: You made my whole being; You formed me in my mother's body. i praise You because You made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What You have done is wonderful. You saw my bones being formed as i took shape in my mother's body. When i was put together there, You saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before i was one day old.

both of my babies were not healthy enough to make it very far along. the second one, we found out recently, actually had chromosomal abnormalities that were not compatible with life. i have questioned this chromosomal mistake, i have questioned my own body, i have questioned everything. and God daily reminds me, particularly through these verses, that He doesn't make mistakes. i don't understand, and won't even pretend to. but this was in His plan. and I trust that plan. my darkness feels so very black at times. but He is in that darkness with me and His word tells me that it's just like daylight to Him.

i am reminded of the first time my niece, scarlet, saw fireworks for the first time. i was holding her and the loud noises scared her badly. when she began crying, i spoke softly to her, "it's ok. i am here. this is beautiful and you have nothing to be afraid of. i am here. i've got you." it didn't stop her from crying and being quickly passed to her mom, of course, but i hear those words being spoken to me today. softly He whispers to me, "it's ok. I am here. what I create and allow in your life is beautiful and is for your good. I am here. I've got you."

take time to remember

for all my friends who have the privilege of helping to save lives every day: i love you, i admire you, and because sometimes we forget...

"don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out
'cause somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe
why don't you rise up now, don't be afraid to stand out
that's how the lost get found" --britt nicole

stay the course, work it out, try as hard as you can.
we're the only ones they have!!

lemon pepper lovin'

okay, folks. after seven years of marriage, i have found yet another wonderful surprise side of my husband. the man can friggin' cook. oh yes. he's been holding out on me all these years, with his "i can't even boil water" baloney. well, the gig is up! i came home last night to lemon pepper shrimp, rice, and eggrolls, the latter of which he cooked on the grill (sheer genious!) since apparently his cooking skills do not extend to the oven. it was more than edible...it was fantastic. i was starving, admittedly, but still... as far as "best surprise ever", this ranks right up there. he was literally taking it off the stove as i walked in the door...words do not express how fabulous that was...and the smell...heaven. it's no secret to my friends and family that i love to eat. a lot. it's an experience for me, really, and i typically save the best bite of the meal for last (i have a system for this, but i won't make myself sound any crazier than usual by explaining it here). last night, i couldn't even choose a best bite; it was just that good. kudos to you, mr. miller. you rock.

rookie vs. the hose

my dogs provide me with endless hours of joy and mirth. tucker is the one that gets all the attention. he's cute, very fluffy, and loves everyone. rookie, while being very cute and fluffy himself, is a little more choosy with whom he shares his love, so he doesn't get all the ladies like tucker does. but what he's missing in sweetness, he makes up for in personality. he has an attitude the size of an elephant and is still just a puppy at heart. he is more loyal than most humans and, as you can see, surely knows how to have a good time. jeremy thought he was trying to kill the hose...i think he was just having fun. it was a hot, gorgeous day...and this, apparently, is how you make the most of it!