some things i'm learning

i have had some dark places in my life recently. two miscarriages in the space of six months has been almost more than i can bear. but yet again, God says "I am in control" and He continues to love me extravagantly.

not all of you will agree with me, but i believe with my whole heart that both of these babies were, in fact, babies. they weren't just a bunch of cells...they weren't simply fertilized eggs...this belief of mine is not convenient for me, mind you. the loss might feel differently if i didn't believe this way. but i do...and so i am dealing with it in my own time.

psalm 139 says two things in particular that speak to my heart this morning:
a: verse 12: even the darkness is not dark to You. the night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to You.
b: verses 13-16: You made my whole being; You formed me in my mother's body. i praise You because You made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What You have done is wonderful. You saw my bones being formed as i took shape in my mother's body. When i was put together there, You saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before i was one day old.

both of my babies were not healthy enough to make it very far along. the second one, we found out recently, actually had chromosomal abnormalities that were not compatible with life. i have questioned this chromosomal mistake, i have questioned my own body, i have questioned everything. and God daily reminds me, particularly through these verses, that He doesn't make mistakes. i don't understand, and won't even pretend to. but this was in His plan. and I trust that plan. my darkness feels so very black at times. but He is in that darkness with me and His word tells me that it's just like daylight to Him.

i am reminded of the first time my niece, scarlet, saw fireworks for the first time. i was holding her and the loud noises scared her badly. when she began crying, i spoke softly to her, "it's ok. i am here. this is beautiful and you have nothing to be afraid of. i am here. i've got you." it didn't stop her from crying and being quickly passed to her mom, of course, but i hear those words being spoken to me today. softly He whispers to me, "it's ok. I am here. what I create and allow in your life is beautiful and is for your good. I am here. I've got you."

take time to remember

for all my friends who have the privilege of helping to save lives every day: i love you, i admire you, and because sometimes we forget...

"don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out
'cause somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe
why don't you rise up now, don't be afraid to stand out
that's how the lost get found" --britt nicole

stay the course, work it out, try as hard as you can.
we're the only ones they have!!