Tuesday, March 14, 2017
the noisy chair
rocking. tocking. squeaking. singing. her eyes almost closed. she fights it til it's done. the ten dollar chair holds something worth far greater. it's old pretend velvet, 70's pale blue, but so perfect for her room that I could not resist. the tocking and squeaking, she doesn't seem to mind. it's the rhythm of sleep. her familiar place. snuggled up so close I'm hot and sweating but unwilling to lay her down. her eyes flutter, and she smiles. she knows she's got me. this chair has heard tears and prayers and songs and laughter. the tocking and squeaking are the beats of my heart. ongoing. almost imperceptible. yet always there. rocking. singing. squeaking. tocking. momma's here. sleep tight.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
lynnley
perhaps after reading my last two posts, you're thinking "doesn't she have a daughter?"
i do. and she is such a joy. let me tell you about her.
if you've read lynnley's birth story ("of anxiety and ambulances" and "faithful"), you know she's also a miracle we received from the Lord. but i haven't talked about how she came to be. and this is one i want her to know some day.
after all we went through with brooks, i wasn't sure i could handle going through it again. i was afraid of having another miscarriage, another difficult pregnancy... i was afraid of being afraid again. and so, i dug in my heels and said that i didn't want another baby. jeremy initially agreed, but his heart started longing for another little person to complete our family. i resisted, adamantly. i wanted to want a second baby as much as we had wanted brooks, and my heart at that time just didn't feel that way. i knew it was all from fear, from not trusting in the Lord, but i just couldn't get over it. to his credit, jeremy didn't push me. he would ask if i felt differently from time to time, but he let me take my time getting there. eventually, he became more insistent, and i realized that i needed to take some heart inventory and figure this thing out.
after some prayer and wise counsel, i decided to fast for a week to spend time in prayer specifically for this matter. i ate vegetables and drank water, but stayed away from everything else, and during the times i wanted to eat something that wasn't vegetables or water, i prayed. let me tell you... i prayed a lot that week. i told God all the things He already knew. but i asked ultimately for His will. and asked that if He wanted to bring another baby into our family, that He change my heart, because i really, really, really, wanted to be madly in love with this baby before he or she even existed. by the end of the week. my grumbling begrudging prayers to "change my heart" became sincere desires laid before the Lord. and i found myself praying, "Lord, i want another baby." i was scared to death, but He had heard me, and answered me. He had changed my heart. it seems as if He was merely waiting on me to ask, because very quickly, we were pregnant. and the rest, they say, is history.
our sweet lynnley. she's so obviously the perfect bookend to our family of four. she's sweet, loving, happy. she nursed like a champ, something i didn't get to do for very long with brooks. i worry that i don't spend enough time with her. that she may also have TS. that she will feel slighted growing up in the shadow of an older brother who commands everyone's attention. that she won't think i love her as much.
but lynnley weston, there are a few things i know for sure. firstly, you, my daughter, are the balm to my often raw soul. whether you have TS in the future or something else or nothing else, you are perfect. God has made both you and brooks exactly in His image in such a way that you will bring glory to Him. each of you were an answer to many prayers, and are evidence of God's work in my heart and in my body. secondly, i promise i'll get it together. I'm learning to divide my time, to love each of you in your own special ways. i love being your momma, and i hope you always feel that. you are so very special to us, to me. your brother loves you like crazy, and i think you'll grow up adoring him, too. i don't know what the Lord has in store for you, but i can't wait to be a part of it. i love you my precious baby girl. God knew how much i would want you in my life before i even did, and i'm eternally thankful that He allowed me to see His bigger plan for our lives.
i do. and she is such a joy. let me tell you about her.
if you've read lynnley's birth story ("of anxiety and ambulances" and "faithful"), you know she's also a miracle we received from the Lord. but i haven't talked about how she came to be. and this is one i want her to know some day.
after all we went through with brooks, i wasn't sure i could handle going through it again. i was afraid of having another miscarriage, another difficult pregnancy... i was afraid of being afraid again. and so, i dug in my heels and said that i didn't want another baby. jeremy initially agreed, but his heart started longing for another little person to complete our family. i resisted, adamantly. i wanted to want a second baby as much as we had wanted brooks, and my heart at that time just didn't feel that way. i knew it was all from fear, from not trusting in the Lord, but i just couldn't get over it. to his credit, jeremy didn't push me. he would ask if i felt differently from time to time, but he let me take my time getting there. eventually, he became more insistent, and i realized that i needed to take some heart inventory and figure this thing out.
after some prayer and wise counsel, i decided to fast for a week to spend time in prayer specifically for this matter. i ate vegetables and drank water, but stayed away from everything else, and during the times i wanted to eat something that wasn't vegetables or water, i prayed. let me tell you... i prayed a lot that week. i told God all the things He already knew. but i asked ultimately for His will. and asked that if He wanted to bring another baby into our family, that He change my heart, because i really, really, really, wanted to be madly in love with this baby before he or she even existed. by the end of the week. my grumbling begrudging prayers to "change my heart" became sincere desires laid before the Lord. and i found myself praying, "Lord, i want another baby." i was scared to death, but He had heard me, and answered me. He had changed my heart. it seems as if He was merely waiting on me to ask, because very quickly, we were pregnant. and the rest, they say, is history.
our sweet lynnley. she's so obviously the perfect bookend to our family of four. she's sweet, loving, happy. she nursed like a champ, something i didn't get to do for very long with brooks. i worry that i don't spend enough time with her. that she may also have TS. that she will feel slighted growing up in the shadow of an older brother who commands everyone's attention. that she won't think i love her as much.
but lynnley weston, there are a few things i know for sure. firstly, you, my daughter, are the balm to my often raw soul. whether you have TS in the future or something else or nothing else, you are perfect. God has made both you and brooks exactly in His image in such a way that you will bring glory to Him. each of you were an answer to many prayers, and are evidence of God's work in my heart and in my body. secondly, i promise i'll get it together. I'm learning to divide my time, to love each of you in your own special ways. i love being your momma, and i hope you always feel that. you are so very special to us, to me. your brother loves you like crazy, and i think you'll grow up adoring him, too. i don't know what the Lord has in store for you, but i can't wait to be a part of it. i love you my precious baby girl. God knew how much i would want you in my life before i even did, and i'm eternally thankful that He allowed me to see His bigger plan for our lives.
pervasive
continued from "an update":
so i am being broken so that God can mend. poured out, so that He can fill. made thirsty, so that i will crave Living Water. yet again, His plans are not my plans, and He is daily showing me why.
recently, i read a devotional about praying scripture for my children. the prayer this day asked that i pray that my children would enter into "pervasive repentance". as i prayed that for them, who at 1 and 5 don't have too many awful sins to repent of, the Lord pricked my heart to look inward at my own. what sin did i have that required pervasive repentance? in my pride, i couldn't think of anything so awful in my life that the word "pervasive" applied to... pervasive means spreading widely throughout. i think over the years my definition of even "repentance" has gotten watered down. repentance for me now looks like trying harder, "working on it"... all things that don't require that much of me usually. and it's not like i'm out there murdering people, right? and yet, this phrase stayed with me, so i began to ask God, semi-reluctantly, to show me what required pervasive repentance in my life.
the Lord answered that prayer fairly quickly. one night, brooks was in our bed after suffering from a horrible night terror, one in which he had his eyes open, looking at my face, but was screaming for me to come to him. he couldn't see me or hear me, and he was terrified. once the night terror had passed (these are common in kids with TS; they typically have no memory of the incident and he can never tell me exactly what he's afraid of), brooks was finally asleep next to me. during this particular one, he had also screamed some things that hurt my feelings. so in addition to feeling helpless to rescue him from the terror in his mind, i also felt wounded and broken. when he finally fell asleep, i could hold it in no longer. i lay next to him with my hands hovering over his body (he asked that I not touch him), sobbing uncontrollably, begging God to take this from him, from us, to heal my little boy. i confessed to my God that i could not imagine living a life without my sweet brooks, the miracle baby He had given me just five years ago. i poured out my pain to Him, telling Him how very much i loved my son, how i couldn't stand to see him suffer in this way. and it was like something clicked in my heart.
i heard the Holy Spirit say very gently to me, "pervasive repentance". i stopped sobbing as if being more quiet might help clarify what i knew He'd just told me. "Pervasive." "Repentance."
i knew the idol i was being called to give up. i was worshipping the miracle, not the Miracle-Maker. i was focused on the gift, not the Giver. and this, this all-consuming love i have for my child, this is what i was being asked to repent of. "How?" my heart asked. how in the world could i love my son less? how could i care for him differently? and then i realized what God was actually asking of me. He knows me, you see. He gave me my momma heart. He sees me break when my children break, cry when they cry. He gifted me with the ability to love them whole-heartedly and unconditionally. He didn't want me to love brooks less. He wants me to love Him more. "Oh" my heart answered. such a simple thing. Love God more. and yet i know this is something i will strive for all my life. and so i am asking daily for His help. Show me, Lord, how to love you more. Teach me, keep breaking me, until the very core of who i am cries out for You first, for You only.
so i am being broken so that God can mend. poured out, so that He can fill. made thirsty, so that i will crave Living Water. yet again, His plans are not my plans, and He is daily showing me why.
recently, i read a devotional about praying scripture for my children. the prayer this day asked that i pray that my children would enter into "pervasive repentance". as i prayed that for them, who at 1 and 5 don't have too many awful sins to repent of, the Lord pricked my heart to look inward at my own. what sin did i have that required pervasive repentance? in my pride, i couldn't think of anything so awful in my life that the word "pervasive" applied to... pervasive means spreading widely throughout. i think over the years my definition of even "repentance" has gotten watered down. repentance for me now looks like trying harder, "working on it"... all things that don't require that much of me usually. and it's not like i'm out there murdering people, right? and yet, this phrase stayed with me, so i began to ask God, semi-reluctantly, to show me what required pervasive repentance in my life.
the Lord answered that prayer fairly quickly. one night, brooks was in our bed after suffering from a horrible night terror, one in which he had his eyes open, looking at my face, but was screaming for me to come to him. he couldn't see me or hear me, and he was terrified. once the night terror had passed (these are common in kids with TS; they typically have no memory of the incident and he can never tell me exactly what he's afraid of), brooks was finally asleep next to me. during this particular one, he had also screamed some things that hurt my feelings. so in addition to feeling helpless to rescue him from the terror in his mind, i also felt wounded and broken. when he finally fell asleep, i could hold it in no longer. i lay next to him with my hands hovering over his body (he asked that I not touch him), sobbing uncontrollably, begging God to take this from him, from us, to heal my little boy. i confessed to my God that i could not imagine living a life without my sweet brooks, the miracle baby He had given me just five years ago. i poured out my pain to Him, telling Him how very much i loved my son, how i couldn't stand to see him suffer in this way. and it was like something clicked in my heart.
i heard the Holy Spirit say very gently to me, "pervasive repentance". i stopped sobbing as if being more quiet might help clarify what i knew He'd just told me. "Pervasive." "Repentance."
i knew the idol i was being called to give up. i was worshipping the miracle, not the Miracle-Maker. i was focused on the gift, not the Giver. and this, this all-consuming love i have for my child, this is what i was being asked to repent of. "How?" my heart asked. how in the world could i love my son less? how could i care for him differently? and then i realized what God was actually asking of me. He knows me, you see. He gave me my momma heart. He sees me break when my children break, cry when they cry. He gifted me with the ability to love them whole-heartedly and unconditionally. He didn't want me to love brooks less. He wants me to love Him more. "Oh" my heart answered. such a simple thing. Love God more. and yet i know this is something i will strive for all my life. and so i am asking daily for His help. Show me, Lord, how to love you more. Teach me, keep breaking me, until the very core of who i am cries out for You first, for You only.
an update
wow. a whole year and a half since i've written anything. well...better late than never, right?
a lot has happened since brooks's fourth birthday. for starters, he turned five, and lynnley is now sixteen months old. maybe one day i'll get around to posting some pics (you can see all the things we do on the daily on my Instagram, @laundryfordays). in the meantime, i'll do my best to fill you in. warning: this is gonna be a long one, or maybe multiple long ones. we shall see...
preschool started for brooks in August of last year. he's at an incredible school/church with the best teacher we could have asked for. she's patient, loves him, and was placed in his path, I am certain, by the Lord. around the time that preschool started, and a little bit before, actually, we started noticing some things about brooks that we hadn't noticed before. he was having movements that were becoming increasingly repetitive that he didn't seem to be aware of. our doctor confirmed that he was having tics, and that this was fairly common and not concerning. brooks has always has been a bit of a wild personality with a stubborn streak (no idea where that came from...), but we also started noticing increasing behavior issues and aggression for seemingly no reason. as these behaviors and tics increased, we began to watch our son change into someone we barely knew. we were terrified and at a loss for how to help him.
we saw several doctors, and all of them confirmed that brooks has Tourette Syndrome and OCD. i'm not going to lie... we were shocked. we do have some mental illness histories in our families, but not Tourette, so we weren't expecting that. lots of kids have tics, but don't have TS, so we just hadn't prepared ourselves for that possibility. TS is a genetic neurological disorder with no known cure. it tends to manifest itself as multiple tics, at least one of which is vocal (for brooks, this showed up as sniffing), that waxes and wanes over the person's lifetime. most kids are diagnosed around 5-9 years of age, with the worst symptoms typically showing up around middle school, and symptoms getting markedly better around the late teen/early adulthood years. some kids have very mild symptoms that are manageable. others have very severe symptoms that really affect their quality of life. about 80% of kids with TS also have related diagnoses of OCD, ADHD, ODD, and/or anxiety/depression.
for brooks, along with about 18 different tics, we were seeing the behavioral issues related to OCD (rigid thinking/inflexibility, intrusive and impulsive thoughts and actions, some ritualistic-type behaviors, and other common OCD symptoms). because several of his tics caused him discomfort, and the behavioral problems were affecting him socially, we elected to try medication. he currently is on two medicines, one for tics (which is working wonderfully well at this stage with almost no side effects), and one for his OCD (we are having varying degrees of success with this one). he's also started attending occupational therapy weekly, which not only helps him, but is also a resource to us for how to talk to him through his difficulties. we see neurology and child psychiatry and are constantly evaluating if/when therapies need to change or adjust based on his symptoms.
life right now is complicated. on one side, i feel so very blessed to have my two precious children. in fact, i hesitate to write this all down, because i don't ever want brooks to feel less than exactly who God made him to be. but i do want him to know that God is good, even when life is hard, and so i'm writing it down. but parenting is tough on a good day, and with all of this extra thrown in, on the other side i often feel very overwhelmed. I wouldn't trade this life for any other, but it's just hard sometimes. i feel so inadequate, so unable to help him sometimes. when he's in the middle of an emotional meltdown that is out of his control, begging me to help him, my momma heart just breaks into thousands of pieces at how completely not ok it all is and how little i can actually do to help him. these are the moments that keep me up at night. his fear, his anxiety, how others see him, how unable i am to help him... these moments that are completely out of my control cause me to buckle under in prayer and tears. and these moments are the ones that God is using to teach me. to be cont...
a lot has happened since brooks's fourth birthday. for starters, he turned five, and lynnley is now sixteen months old. maybe one day i'll get around to posting some pics (you can see all the things we do on the daily on my Instagram, @laundryfordays). in the meantime, i'll do my best to fill you in. warning: this is gonna be a long one, or maybe multiple long ones. we shall see...
preschool started for brooks in August of last year. he's at an incredible school/church with the best teacher we could have asked for. she's patient, loves him, and was placed in his path, I am certain, by the Lord. around the time that preschool started, and a little bit before, actually, we started noticing some things about brooks that we hadn't noticed before. he was having movements that were becoming increasingly repetitive that he didn't seem to be aware of. our doctor confirmed that he was having tics, and that this was fairly common and not concerning. brooks has always has been a bit of a wild personality with a stubborn streak (no idea where that came from...), but we also started noticing increasing behavior issues and aggression for seemingly no reason. as these behaviors and tics increased, we began to watch our son change into someone we barely knew. we were terrified and at a loss for how to help him.
we saw several doctors, and all of them confirmed that brooks has Tourette Syndrome and OCD. i'm not going to lie... we were shocked. we do have some mental illness histories in our families, but not Tourette, so we weren't expecting that. lots of kids have tics, but don't have TS, so we just hadn't prepared ourselves for that possibility. TS is a genetic neurological disorder with no known cure. it tends to manifest itself as multiple tics, at least one of which is vocal (for brooks, this showed up as sniffing), that waxes and wanes over the person's lifetime. most kids are diagnosed around 5-9 years of age, with the worst symptoms typically showing up around middle school, and symptoms getting markedly better around the late teen/early adulthood years. some kids have very mild symptoms that are manageable. others have very severe symptoms that really affect their quality of life. about 80% of kids with TS also have related diagnoses of OCD, ADHD, ODD, and/or anxiety/depression.
for brooks, along with about 18 different tics, we were seeing the behavioral issues related to OCD (rigid thinking/inflexibility, intrusive and impulsive thoughts and actions, some ritualistic-type behaviors, and other common OCD symptoms). because several of his tics caused him discomfort, and the behavioral problems were affecting him socially, we elected to try medication. he currently is on two medicines, one for tics (which is working wonderfully well at this stage with almost no side effects), and one for his OCD (we are having varying degrees of success with this one). he's also started attending occupational therapy weekly, which not only helps him, but is also a resource to us for how to talk to him through his difficulties. we see neurology and child psychiatry and are constantly evaluating if/when therapies need to change or adjust based on his symptoms.
life right now is complicated. on one side, i feel so very blessed to have my two precious children. in fact, i hesitate to write this all down, because i don't ever want brooks to feel less than exactly who God made him to be. but i do want him to know that God is good, even when life is hard, and so i'm writing it down. but parenting is tough on a good day, and with all of this extra thrown in, on the other side i often feel very overwhelmed. I wouldn't trade this life for any other, but it's just hard sometimes. i feel so inadequate, so unable to help him sometimes. when he's in the middle of an emotional meltdown that is out of his control, begging me to help him, my momma heart just breaks into thousands of pieces at how completely not ok it all is and how little i can actually do to help him. these are the moments that keep me up at night. his fear, his anxiety, how others see him, how unable i am to help him... these moments that are completely out of my control cause me to buckle under in prayer and tears. and these moments are the ones that God is using to teach me. to be cont...
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