my favorite christmas gifts

i had so much fun this christmas with my family and friends! i got lots of great presents, but these are my top five favorites (in no particular order):

#1: glitter crayons and a puppy dog coloring book
#2: my towel and eyelet apron handmade by my sister-in-law tara
#3: the three-volume set of Character Sketches books from my fab mom-in-law
#4: the westie mobile pieces and baby blanket my sweet mother made
#5: grizzly-bear slippers from my hubbie (which is in no way indicative of me being grouchy or a grizzly bear...)

i also really love the "holiday citation" notepad (which i have used multiple times), the warm and fuzzy socks and pj's, and all the great gift cards i get to spend!
presents are great, to give and to get, and i can't wait 'til next year! p.s. my birthday's coming up in march...

dirty santa indeed...

baby Jesus has been stolen from me. as have His parents, a sheep, and one lonely manger.

my aunt ginna is now the proud and very smug owner of a lovely snow globe of baby Jesus and His family. she stole it from me. actually my cousin angie (who has a history of thievery) stole it first; aunt ginna stole it from her.

perhaps you wonder at my extreme unhappiness at such audacity. you should know that i am a sore loser (see the aforementioned bananagrams debacle in my earlier post). i have been losing for a large portion of my life, and i have become quite bitter about it. when i was younger, my cousins and i always participated in an easter egg hunt. my grandmother hid a golden egg that had five dollars inside. i never found the golden egg. my cousin angie always found the golden egg (or at least that's how i remember it). she has gloated about it for years and even gave me a photo last christmas commemorating her victory. it's a sweet little picture of angie, age 6 or 7, holding the golden egg triumphantly in the air after finding it. in the far left of the picture is a sad little girl, age 5 or 6, head down, pigtails hanging, looking longingly at that egg. that's me. poor little me. she even included a golden egg in the gift with the framed photograph. as if i want it now...

and so, the stealing continues. we play "dirty santa" every year. everyone gets a number, you choose a gift when it's your turn, and the people that come after you can either choose to open a wrapped gift or steal yours. i took the high road this year and chose to open a wrapped gift. i was rewarded with a precious little snow globe with the beautiful depiction of the nativity. even the box was pretty and sweet. i made it through multiple rounds until angie came up short in the present department. someone stole her towels, she stole baby Jesus, and the rest is history. my sister tried to help me out by concocting a plan: i was to steal what she wanted (she also got robbed) and then when it was her turn, she would steal baby Jesus back for me. we just didn't count on aunt ginna.

aunt ginna is a tiny little woman. she's sweet and precious and super cute. she always has a smile for everyone she meets and she gives very good hugs. she even loves elmo (a great deal). but do not be fooled by this one. she smiled at me so sweetly as she took baby Jesus from angie. she even offered to let me come look at Him at her house. the nerve...

well, aunt ginna. angie. lesson learned. both of you had better come prepared to next year's christmas gathering. better get your A-game out. brush up on your slippery-ness, your mean streaks, your flagrant disregard for all things holy. you will be sorry (insert sweet smile here).

let them eat fruitcake

i hate fruitcake. always have. always will. i think it's the fruit part (because i typically really like cake). something about candied fruit...it's just not right. i have been forced to eat some this Christmas season (twice) and it's been so tragic that i feel the need to discuss it.

the first time was with my sister-in-law, tara. tara is normally an excellent cook. i have never eaten anything that she has made that wasn't absolutely delicious. until now. i told her i didn't like fruitcake, but she shoved some in my mouth anyway, exclaiming, "it's delicious, you will love it!" i didn't love it. i tried to act like i did, but i am not a very good liar. she was crushed. in my defense, i thought that someone else had made it, only to find out after telling her how awful it was that she had, in fact, made the fruitcake.

then yesterday...someone i don't know very well, a work acquaintance, asked if i wanted something sweet to eat. duh...of course i do. well, by then i had committed to it and she brought forth the fruitcake. i tried to get out of it by saying, "i don't usually like fruitcake...". it didn't work. she said hers was different from normal fruitcake. it was different. horribly different. i chewed a little and smiled. i said it was delicious. and then once i got away, i spit it out. i know...i am a horrible person. but fruitcake just isn't part of having christmas spirit. it isn't necessary. it should be banned.

so, to all of you fruitcakes who like fruitcake...you may have mine. enjoy.

this is how it's done

it has become apparent to me that there are people who need a little lesson in how to have some christmas spirit. i am a champion of christmas spirit, so i am quite qualified in not only judging who does and does not need this lesson, but also in being the one to provide said lesson. so, before you get all "who does she think she is telling me about christmas spirit", let me say this: i am the queen of christmas spirit and this is how it's done.

rule #1: christmas decorations go up before december 1. no excuses.

rule #2: every common room in your house gets some sort of christmas decor. in some
circles, it is extremely acceptable to put up more than one christmas tree.

rule #3: you should have a collection of christmas music. if you don't, get cable
and at least listen to the christmas music channel.

rule #4: if you are invited to a party, meeting, get-together, shindig, etc. where
tacky christmas attire is suggested, you absolutely MUST wear appropriate
awful christmas clothing! this includes, but is not limited to, ugly
christmas sweaters or sweatshirts, reindeer antler headbands, jingle bell
earrings, santa or snowman jewelry, striped christmas socks, hideous
christmas ties, etc.

rule #5: you must drink hot beverages regularly throughout the month of december.
this includes hot cocoa (with marshmallows, of course), hot cider, coffee
and lattes, wassle (it's delicious...google it), and any number of hot
toddies. if your drink comes with a peppermint stick or something festive
with which you are intended to stir, use it joyfully.

rule #6: if it snows, play in it. make a snowman, slip and slide on icy sidewalks,
throw a snowball, make a snow angel. it doesn't matter. just get up off the
couch, put on your hat, coat, and gloves, and go play in the snow!

rule #7: wrap at least one present per day. not only does this help cut down on last
minute things-to-do, but it also helps keep that christmas spirit going
every day.

rule #8: be an elf. find someone who needs help at christmas and help them! sponsor
a child, contribute to a toy drive, give to a family in need, serve dinner
at the homeless shelter...it doesn't matter what you do, but the true
christmas spirit is a spirit of giving. so get out there and give! you'll
be bursting with christmas spirit, i promise!

rule #9: buy christmas sheets. i know you don't need them. i know they don't match
your comforter and pillows. but they are cute, they are fun, and if you get
the flannel ones, they are just downright cozy! you'll feel christmasy
when you go to bed and christmasy when you wake up!

rule #10:make a christmas list early. i typically send my requests out to my family
in september and october. it gives them plenty of time to decide what to get
and it gives me time to change my mind! starting early means i have months
of christmas to look forward to!

rule #11:wear slippers. quite frankly, this should be done year-round, but if you are
not a slipper-wearer, at least do it in december. not only will your feet
stay warm and toasty, but you will feel cute, cuddly, and christmasy any
time you have snuggly little puppies, bears, or moccasins on your feet!

that, my friends, is how you have christmas spirit. it's how you enjoy the holiday season. it's how you find time to make cookies, mail christmas cards, shop for gifts, and sneak around creating surprises for the ones you love. so embrace it! grab a quilt and a cup of cocoa, put on some christmas music, and just sit and watch the lights on your tree (the one you put up before dec. 1). just get all christmasy inside. you won't regret it!

the crippled lamb

there's a book i always read at christmas time called "the crippled lamb" by max lucado (one of my most favorite authors). it's a children's book, but the message is so applicable to my life. it's a story about a lamb who is lame. the lamb is very sad that he isn't able to run and play, that the farmer has to feed him in the barn, and most upsetting to him of all, he can't go out to pasture with the other sheep. the lamb loves going out to pasture.

so one night, while all the other sheep and lambs are out to pasture, the crippled lamb is lying in the hay in the barn. he is crying, sad, and feeling very sorry for himself. suddenly, he hears a sound he hasn't heard before. the other animals in the barn investigate and they find a young woman amidst the hay. she is crying and seems to be in pain. the little lamb scoots closer, trying to comfort the woman. the other animals do the same and she seems comforted by their warmth and kind eyes. they stay this way all night, watching her, trying to help her in some way, as she labors with the child she is trying to deliver.

eventually, the baby is born. the little lamb is in awe at the beautiful baby boy, so perfect, so small. even more amazing are the visitors that begin to arrive. there are wise men bearing extravagant gifts, shepherds who have left their flocks to come and see this baby. all the while, the lamb lays close to the woman and her baby. he feels so blessed to have been a part of this birth. as the visitors talk to each other, as the woman talks to her baby, he begins to listen. he learns that this isn't an ordinary baby. all the visitors begin worshipping this Child, calling Him Jesus, the Son of God. the lamb cannot believe his ears or his eyes! when the other sheep return from the pasture, the crippled little lamb has quite a story to tell. he was there for the birth of the King. he was there to comfort the Savior as He came into the world. he was there when Jesus was born.

this story always brings tears to my eyes, and it always pulls at my heart. there are so many days that i feel like the crippled lamb. i feel unworthy, crippled, unlovely. sometimes i feel useless, uneasy, and jealous of others who are different from me. i find myself wishing my circumstances were different, wishing my body, my heart, my faith were different. i catch my heart longing to be in the pasture with the others who are happy and healthy. but God has called me to stay inside for now. and what i see as being crippled in some ways are just a part of His perfect plan for me. i don't know what i will be a part of in the future. i don't know what blessings i may encounter. but i trust in my Savior, my Redeemer, my Friend. only He can use my lameness to bring glory to Himself.

and so...i will lie in the hay. i will watch the door of the barn. i will wait, expectantly, hopefully, and prayerfully. and i will be ready for what He has to show me. i will be ready for His perfect plan, the one that i can't quite see.

humble pie

i fancy myself a rather good speller. i enjoy grammar. i like words, new vocabulary, good punctuation. i am a nerd. but i like it that way and i have always been proud of my skills in this department. i am also very competitive and a bit of a perfectionist. these things do not make a very good combination.

as a kid, i played lots of games. i love games. i didn't play with dolls much. no barbies for me (except sometimes i let them go to the prom and made them smooch). i played word games and card games. racko. uno. word rummy. go fish. everything was a learning process. i lost all the time, mostly just because i was a kid, of course. as i have gotten older, i have learned more words, and have gotten better at those types of games. i love taboo, catch phrase, pictionary, etc. i get a daily email from dictionary.com with my new word of the day. it's awesome.

so this weekend, i introduced my new favorite game to my family. it might be the best game ever: bananagrams. it's like scrabble, only faster, and you play individually. the best part? when you use all your letters you get to scream, "BANANAGRAMS!!!!!" i have played this game with my in-laws and my nieces (who, though only 8 and 5, are very smart and excellent spellers...). when i play with them, i win a lot. i expected nothing less this weekend. i was wrong. i played in excess of 50 games of bananagrams. i won 2. i cheated on both of those. and now i hang my head in shame. i did manage to spell some excellent words: torte, rabe, zanzibar (that's one of my cheater words...you can't use proper nouns). but none of them helped me win. my words let me down. i let my words down. or did i let down my words...hmmm???

in an effort to lift my spirits, i participated in a few other games. aggravation is a game from my childhood that i haven't played in years. it's awesome...and i lost. i also played twelve rounds of mexican train dominoes. i lost them all. it's official. i am a sore loser. i wanted to win. i wanted to be the smartest. but i am not. it's so sad...

anyhoo...i feel confident that the next time i play, i will win again. yeah...that's right. i 'll be playing with scarlet and lily, ages 8 and 5.

peachy fine

apparently i like to argue.

this is news to me. and yet i seem to be arguing with everyone i come into contact with today! i feel like i am generally agreeable, nice to people, and try to compromise in most situations.

to you, dr. m, i say stick it. i am sorry that you did not agree with me on this lovely evening. i apologize for asking you to do your job (for which you are being paid significantly more than i). i am terribly sorry to have troubled you by making your phone ring and asking for your professional opinion. please forgive me for trying to explain my situation in an effort to save lives. xoxo.

and to you, ms. m, i say $%*&@$#%**^!#@!!!!!!! i don't know exactly what that spells out but i am fairly certain that it adequately expresses my current sentiments. you are right, as always, and i am wrong. i am humbled to have been corrected by you. thank you for standing up for me...oh wait, that's right. you didn't. well then, thanks for nothing. xoxo.

and then there's you, mr. m. to you i am actually truly sorry (all those other apologies up above were fake, in case you didn't get that). i am sorry that the two other conversations i have had have come before you. i am sorry that i said not nice things. i am sorry you are sick. i hope you feel better. xoxo for real.

and finally, to you, my poor little argumentative nature. stop arguing. just say the right things at the right times and smile and say thank you and it will all work out just fine. nothing will ever get done, but it will be just peachy fine.

so stinkin' adorable

i apologize to my sweet husband, but i simply could not resist posting this precious photo. you can see jeremy sleeping, with rookie in his arms and tucker on his pillow across his head. my three boys. doesn't get any cuter.

making christmas

today began my two day love affair with what we refer to at our house as "making christmas". everything is done except the outside, the tree, and tiny town. that all has to get done tomorrow...or maybe tonight the elves will come and finish it for me...

sadly, making christmas was not without some tragedies. mickey and minnie were making out (again this year) on top of our "happy anniversary" ornament and fell off in the process. they are still making out (those little lovebirds, er, lovemice...) and are back on top of things thanks to some heavy duty glue. mr. bunny rabbit baseball player (from jeremy's childhood) also had a little fall...to be more specific, his head fell off of his body. the glue has righted his wrongs as well. perhaps the most awful tragedy is the disappearance of joseph, the father of baby Jesus. the wisemen, the shepherds, mary and baby Jesus...they are all present and accounted for. the angel is here, as are the sheep, the donkey, the camel, and the cow (although he is missing a small chunk from his bottom...maybe joseph got hungry and needed a little rump roast...). i hope i didn't accidentally sell him in the yard sale... if you see my joseph, please send him straight home to bethlehem. tell him to follow the star.

all in all, it has been a very productive day. santa is on the wall. the reindeer are up. the snowmen are all in their positions. my house smells like christmas and memories and cozy and joy. i just need to get the cranberry-pecan bread in the oven and get ready for tomorrow!

have a merry "making christmas" time!

how cold is it?

what a great day. yard sale day always is.

there's really nothing better than getting up at the crack of dawn, opening your garage door 45 minutes before your yard sale is supposed to start, and finding old people in your driveway ready and waiting to shop. it happens every time, like clockwork. and i love it. truly...yard sales are one of my most favorite events.

today while my husband stayed warm and snuggly in our bed, one of my best friends arrived on her crutches to keep me company and "help" me. she brought along her walker/speed-around-on-her-knee contraption, which is kind of hilarious, and managed to arrange things, wait on customers, chop onions for our soup, and not break her other ankle tripping on my rugs and over my dogs. as we sat shivering, wrapped up in our leopard-print snuggies holding mugs of hot cocoa, she said something profound: "it's so cold there's air coming out of my mouth." really, linds? and this is different from the norm for you to have air coming out of your mouth? of course, i knew that she meant, "its so cold i can see my breath", but the absurdity of her comment coupled with not quite being awake yet, having old people in my garage and freezing to death all at the same time caused hilarity to quickly ensue. we giggled our way through a few transactions and finally regained our composure.

we finally warmed up once the sun came out and it turned out to be a beautiful day. we filled our bellies with black bean soup and nearly an entire loaf of bread and laughed with other friends that stopped by throughout the day. someone took me up on my "free" box and took the whole thing. random children ran helter-skelter in my backyard. i shopped at my own sale and gave myself some very good deals. and at the end of the day, my husband popped out to buy us a batch of slice-n-bake cookies (which we also almost finished entirely) and then hauled all the leftover stuff away.

yard sale day rocks. my belly is full, my garage is empty, and there is money in my pockets!

mud in the mouth is worth coffee in the cart

sometimes i think the universe tries to send you a message. it left me three messages today...i ignored them all and i think it makes for some good entertainment.

i am having a yard sale on saturday so i started my day today with a plan to put out my signs. i got the first three placed with no problemo, but numero quatro proved to be a little more difficult. it involved parking in the kroger parking lot, slip-sliding down a small hill, hiking up a ditch, and a fair amount of hammering. all while rush-hour traffic drove by. some of my best work. on the hike back up, i slipped a tad in the wet grass...and came up with a muddy face. please note: rush-hour traffic was still going by.

not to be deterred in having a good day, i went into kroger, washed up in the bathroom (thankfully, there weren't many people in kroger yet), and decided to help negate my little misadventure with a treat and some coffee. there is a starbucks in the kroger, so i waited in line and happily received my peppermint mocha and doughnut. cheered and ready to conquer the world, attempt number two, i turned around and promptly fell over the grocery cart parked behind me. the universe had sent a lady to park her cart two inches from me, only it didn't tell me that. it let me fall into her cart and spill my delicious peppermint mocha! she glared at me, i glared back. it was a very effective glare. geez lady...ever heard of personal space?!

my friends suggested i go back to bed and start the day over. my father suggested i go back to bed and surround myself with soft and fluffy things since it seemed likely that my ceiling would cave in. others suggested i not drive or eat today...too dangerous. i drove and ate anyway...and when i got to work, i realized i had lost my check card. i said $&#@%! and began digging around my desk and purse, begging my friends to help me. we did the whole "when's the last time you used it" bit (it was yesterday-i used a different card for the coffee and doughnut). i got out my wallet to show them where the card is usually kept. i pulled out the card i used on the coffee. IT WAS THE SAME CARD I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!! I NEVER LOST IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND I HAD JUST USED IT ON THE COFFEE!!!!

ok universe: message received. i am now back in bed. i give up until tomorrow!

dog toss

you've heard of a coin toss...drawing straws...rock, paper, scissors...well, ladies and gentlemen, may i introduce...the dog toss. it's a new way of making decisions that we have started using at our house.

calm down, calm down. no animals were harmed during the implementation of this method of decision-making. in fact, no dogs were actually tossed. let me explain. jeremy and i were sitting on the couch discussing something. we couldn't agree on a decision so we decided to toss a coin. we didn't actually have a coin in our pockets, so we came up with the dog toss. you see, rookie typically lays on the ground in a type of "c" shape, all curled around with his head near his tail. at other times, he curls around the other way, in a backwards "c" shape. he was nearby during our discussion, so we picked him up, chose our sides (i chose the backwards "c", jeremy chose the regular "c") and then set him down again (gently). he walked around for a while and then laid himself down....in a backwards "c"!!!! victory was mine! jeremy argued that it was rigged, of course, saying that i tilted him towards the side he chose when i set him down. this is simply not true and i am insulted by the accusation.

the dog toss is easy, fair, and since our dogs are always around, it requires very little effort. i like it. the dog toss stays!

just because

to know You is to never worry for my life. to know You is to never give in to compromise. to know You is to want to tell the world about You. to know You is to ache for more than ordinary. to know You is to look beyond the temporary. to know You is believing that You'll be enough. 'cause there's no life without You and i can't live without You. all this life can offer me cannot compare to You. and i count it all as loss compared to knowing You. -casting crowns "to know You"

these are the words that i needed to hear today. it's just a regular day. nothing awful has happened. nothing fantastic has happened. but my heart is feeling heavy. my mind is full of questions. about my future, about my own beliefs and convictions. to believe these words is to live them, to know them at the very core of who i am. and as much as i try to do that, i still have doubts. i was reminded recently by my sweet father of the words of "doubting thomas" in the Bible. thomas said he wouldn't believe that Jesus had risen from the dead until he was able to put his hands in the nail-prints in Jesus's hands, until he could touch His side where He was pierced with a spear. and then when Jesus appeared before him physically, when thomas was able to place his hands in Jesus's hands and to touch His side, he said this: "Lord, i believe. help my unbelief." this faith that i have in my God, even on my best days, is still full of unbelief, of distrust. i can't help it...i'm human. i have seen miracles in my life, dozens of them. i have seen God's hand at work. i have seen Him heal hearts and lives. and yet i still question whether or not He can or will do that in my life. it doesn't even make sense to feel that way. how could i question the Almighty God?

and yet i do. and He knows about my questions, He cares about my questions. i wonder if He is as incredulous at them as i would be if i were Him. somehow, i doubt that He is. after all, He knew i would have them before they even entered my mind. even with all the doubt, all the distrust, the worry, the efforts at doing things "my way"...He still loves me madly. He pursues me with such passion, day after day, week after week, year after year. because i am His. i am His. and that's really all that matters. He will answer my questions when He's ready, in His time. and in the meantime, He will hold me close, wipe my tears, and continue to love me just because He does. because that's just who He is.

kinemortophobia

i am not a scary movie fan. why, you ask? well let me tell you...
i have always had a fairly sensitive startle reflex. i am pretty gullible and am easily snuck up on. i jump and startle at everything. when i was a kid, my prankster father took full advantage of this. my sister and i spent hours in the bathroom at night when we were supposed to be getting ready for bed (what were we doing? practicing our Crest toothpaste commercials, of course). dad would crawl around on the floor and creep into the bathroom while we weren't paying attention and then jump and yell and bang on the floor mid-commercial. he never failed in sneaking up on us and we freaked out every time. it was hilarious and is one of my favorite memories. unfortunately, it also slightly traumatized me. i also have a pretty healthy imagination, so scary + my imagination = i can't sleep and irrational fear takes over.

simple solution, right? don't watch scary movies! but i love suspense and mystery, so sometimes i deal with the scary in order to just get the suspense (yes, scary and suspenseful are two very different things. trust me on this.) sometimes though, i misjudge. like last night. i had taken two excedrin for a headache and couldn't sleep (p.s. caffeine plus irrational fear is not a good combo). a friend of mine had told me about a new series on AMC called "the walking dead". i should have known. i watched the pilot episode this morning at 1 a.m. in the dark all by myself. it was, by all accounts, a very good scary show. it's about zombies but i thought it was supposed to be a documentary although apparently you can't do a documentary about something that doesn't exist so it's more like a movie...a really scary movie...i don't know...all i can say is that i couldn't turn it off, but i was curled up into a knot on the corner of my couch with my hand over my face and partially covering my eyes through the majority of it. my friend had told me she "shuddered and cried" at various places. i managed not to cry, but i did a fair amount of talking to the screen ("no, no, no!!" "he's not dead, he's not dead!!" "oh my goodness, no, no!"...you get the idea).

afterwards, i double-checked that all the doors were locked and actually leaped into bed (i say leaped because it's the truth. if i had simply walked up to the bed and crawled in, the zombies that i am certain were under my bed would have been able to grab my ankles. by leaping, i prevented this from occurring and thus saved my own life). i am proud to say that i resisted the urge to actually look under my bed to make sure they weren't there, but i typically sleep with one foot hanging off the bed. last night i did not. i finally fell asleep around 3 a.m. ( i remember seeing 2:55 on the clock) and had no less than five or six different dreams, all of them scary, none of which i remember specifically, but all of which i recall trying to wake myself up from.

it was a long and awful night. i can't wait to see the next one!

craftorama

i am fairly pleased with myself. i have decided to make some christmas presents this year (prepare yourselves, my dear friends and family). i am also making our christmas cards. don't look now, but i might be crafty! i spent several hours last night getting all of my "ingredients" together (yarn, cardstock, the crafter's must-have corner rounder, markers, glue, needle-nose pliers...). if you happen to drive by my house and look in the window you will see our dining room table piled high with all my craft-crap (for those of you who are not stalkers, here is a photo so that you may be accurate in your judgement of me).



additionally, i have spent about half the amount of money i typically spend for christmas gifts!! i deserve a medal or something...maybe i will make myself one...everything will have my trademark "made by miller" woodchip. oh! i am so clever (they were cheap...i can use a magic marker...it was a good combo)!! i will leave you to imagine all the great things i might be creating. and believe me...they will be great!

my boys and their tummies

what a day! one might think that since i do not have children, i wouldn't have to deal with the tummy troubles that typically come with that territory. one would be wrong.

my oldest boy, the hubs, has been having some stomach difficulties for a while. he had a minor procedure today that turned out just fine, but scared the heck out of me. you see, while the doctor was taking a looky-look, he gave old jeremy some sleepy medicine...jeremy liked the sleepy medicine so much he decided he didn't really want to wake up. a typical thirty minute recovery took about an hour and a half. once he was feeling fine, we rolled down to the parking garage, and he promptly became as white as a ghost and we had to go back upstairs. we hung out in recovery for another thirty minutes while his blood pressure returned to normal and he remembered how to breathe and sleep at the same time. a good time was had by all.

the upside to all that time in recovery? he sleepily thanked me for cleaning the house while he pointed out the beautiful fountain in the middle of the room...you gotta love the drugs...

once i got him home, he had a little to eat and took a nice long nap. in the meantime, i realized our dogs hadn't eaten in two days (we were out of dog food), so i ran to the store to get some food. the place we buy their specialty food at (they are high-maintenance, you know...) was closed, so i had to pick a cheap alternative. in retrospect, i should have let them go hungry. apparently, changing foods on them isn't a good idea. once i got jeremy all tucked in and both dogs ate, the fun really started. tucker and i have been outside to puke three different times and he has puked inside five times. fortunately, i have managed to keep him off the carpet, but now he is resting pitifully beside his father, who is equally pitiful and still nauseous. little tucker screams (yes...dogs can scream) every time he pukes. it's kind of awful.

not one to be left out and since jeremy and tucker are resting comfortably, rookie has now started crying. he pushes into my lap, looks at me with those big black eyes, and cries. we have been outside twice for false alarms, but i am sure there is more fun to be had. this night may never end. here's my question...when do i get to cry?

all that we do

my husband played a song for me recently about the ways we love each other, as spouses, friends, fellow Christians, and as family. it talks about being there for each other in good times and bad... when the rest of the world seems to be laughing at you or crying with you...when you're lost or falling...when you're broken and at your worst. and then it says this: "but if all that we do is absent of Jesus, then this so-called love is completely in vain".

the first time i heard it, i had to sit and cry as i prayed a prayer of gratitude for the wonderful man i have by my side. i listened to it a few more times and started thinking about that last line. how many things do i do each day that are absent of Jesus? how many words do i say that sound more like venom than like Christ? how many times do i pass up opportunities to show His love to strangers, to friends, to my husband? how many days do i spend complaining and grumbling in an attitude of selfishness and discontent? and more difficult still...how often do i do things that the world sees as acceptable, even good? those things that fall into that dangerous "gray" area? those things that are easy to tell myself are ok, except for that still, small voice that says that they aren't...those are the ones i have a hard time with. God's word tells me that if it isn't absolutely something that's in His will, then it absolutely isn't in His will! and those things, those gray, fuzzy lines that i draw in the sand...they are absent of Jesus. those attitudes and activities and the time i spend thinking about those things...it's all a waste.

the only things that will ever last are the things that i do for the King. the only attitudes worth having and the only words worth saying are the ones that bring others closer to Him. this song has become a prayer for our family, a prayer that everything we do, from our actions and attitudes to the ways we speak, live, and hope...we pray that none of it will be in vain. we pray that our lives will be full of Jesus.

powerful stuff

there is a dessert at one of our favorite restaurants called "powerful stuff". it's an ice cream pie that the menu says is "enough for two". those of you who know me well will be shocked to hear that i have never actually eaten this dessert, but i've seen it and it looks amazing. i was reminded of it last night as i was falling asleep.

we were just blessed with some furniture for our future nursery. it's exactly what i was wanting and it was super cheap. it's a little weird having nursery furniture with no idea of when we will have a baby, but we are learning over and over again that God's ways are not our ways. i was compelled last night to sit in the room that our baby will sleep in one day and begin praying for this baby, for it's birth mother and for her struggles. surrounded by the pieces of our baby's crib, the dresser that will hold her clothes, the bookshelf my father built when i was a child that will hold her books...it was all very humbling. there is so much going on right now that we can't see. God is working in ways we may never know. i don't know if our baby has even been given life yet, but we are praying for her all the same. her birth mother is especially on my heart right now. i pray she will have the courage to choose life for our baby, and that if she doesn't know Jesus, that she will come to experience a relationship with Him. i am praying that He will comfort her through the difficulties that lie ahead for her. jeremy was there praying with me and it was very evident to me that God was there with us. i know without a doubt that He is working to bring about whatever is best for us.

after our prayer, we went to bed and i laid there for some time still thinking about it all. the only thing that came to mind to be able to express what i was feeling was "powerful stuff". this work that God is doing in our hearts and our lives, that i could already love a baby i have never seen...it's powerful stuff! my God is a powerful God! whatever His plan, whatever His will, i am learning to try to see it and to trust it when i can't. and just like that dessert i've never tasted, i know this God i serve, the Creator of all of this powerful stuff...He's enough for two. He's enough for us.

ahhhhh...freak out!

i am working on something for my husband. it's a new tool to help him know ahead of time how large of a freak-out i am about to have. you see, i caught him a little bit off guard last night and i thought he might be able to deal with my little disasters if he at least knew what to expect. after almost eight years of marriage, he has definitely been exposed to all levels of freaking out, but he still hasn't found a way to see them coming. i feel obliged to help him out. bless his soul.

i think there are three levels (possibly more, depending on what the future holds) of freaking out. the first level is a "mini" freak-out (this is what occurred last night). it involves a minimal amount of tears (possibly even none) that can be stopped easily and fairly quickly. the crankiness in a mini freak-out comes and goes. the rearranging of furniture lasts only briefly and involves only one or two not-very-heavy pieces. the mini freak-out is caused by general feelings of overwhelmedness, messes in the kitchen, the purchasing of small amounts of new furniture, etc. the cure for the mini freak-out is a nice hug, a cup of tea, and the moving of whatever furniture is necessary to make the freak-out stop. it also is cured by cleaning the kitchen.

the second level is a "whoa what's your problem" freak-out. the wwypfo is a good deal worse than the mini and involves a decent amount of tears, some yelling, and some forceful cleaning and slamming of doors, cabinets, etc. i haven't had one of these in a while, but i am describing it here for my husband's benefit. the wwypfo is caused by p.m.s., an accumulation of laundry (greater than usual, which for us is an exorbitant amount), congealed milk being left in cereal bowls more than four days in a row, minor damage to a car or piece of clothing, etc. the wwypfo is best stopped by an immediate utterance of "i'm sorry, you're right, i'm wrong" followed by the correction of whatever caused the wwypfo in the first place. the wwypfo must be followed up on the next day (typically) with a hug and a reiteration of the aforementioned "i'm sorry" and the details of what occurred during the wwypfo must never be discussed.

the third (and hopefully final) level is the "run for your life" freak-out. one should use caution when dealing with this freak-out as injury can occur. it may involve objects being hurled through the air, mean words yelled at never before heard decibels, and tears to the point of being unable to understand the person who is having the freak-out. eerily, this freak-out can be caused by just about anything. it sometimes follows the unresolved mini or wwypfo (these can escalate quickly if not handled appropriately) and can also be the result of forgetting a birthday, anniversary, or otherwise special moment not recognized by the regular calendar. unfortunately, there is no cure for this freak-out so your best bet is to...yep, run for your life. you should NEVER use this freak-out as a chance to bring up prior freak-outs or to point out flaws in the freaker-outer's appearance or weight (doing so will be at risk to your life).

i hope this helps my dear husband. i hope he keeps these descriptions with him at all times so that he can learn to identify the type of freak-out i am about to have, am having, or that he has just survived. i hope it will be some length of time before he has to experience the next one.

yikes and yay!

well, it's official...we are adopting! we don't know how, we don't know when, we don't know who. and we don't care! we spent today hearing families who have adopted tell their stories and it was such a blessing. we have a whopping amount of paperwork to fill out and a lengthy list of tasks to complete, but that means we have moved from just talking about adopting to actually being in the process of adopting! we are terrified, overwhelmed, and so excited. God is so good (all the time!) and He continues to work with us to show us how to trust Him. This is all so very out of our control (although I am already making lists to organize my lists of lists of things to do....gotta have control over something!) and we know that He will continue to lead us in the ways we need to go.

pray for us as we learn and work our way through this process. it won't be easy and we are told to prepare for at least one heartbreak along the way. but there is something to be said for being where God wants you to be, for being smack in the middle of what He's doing. we believe that's where we are, and we pray for open hearts and ears to stay in that place as God works in our lives and in the lives of our child and his/her birth family. we feel blessed already to be a part of this process and can't wait to see where it takes us. we'll keep you posted!

p.s. happy birthday mom!! kinda cool that i get to start the process of being a mom on my mom's birthday!

the making over of my feet

i just finished reading "hinds' feet on high places". it's a beautiful story of the journey of Much-Afraid, a girl who wishes to follow the Great Shepherd to the high places but can't because of her crippled feet, ugly countenance, and much-afraid little heart. she speaks to the Shepherd and he promises to make her crippled feet like hinds' feet if she will follow his will instead of her own. i had to google this, but a hind is a female red deer (the male is known as a hart, also mentioned in the book). these deer live all over the world, but are known for their ability to leap with ease among the rocks and mountains. their feet are made for leaping! if you've ever slammed on your brakes as a deer bounded quickly in front of your car, you know that they can be there one minute and gone the next. they are fast, they are agile, and obstacles do not seem to hinder them in any way.

what a beautiful picture of what God wants for me. he desires for me to be able to leap!! he wants to have me with him on the high places. but i can't get there with fear in my heart, with an ungodly face, and with feet that haven't been made over. the hart and hind are born with feet made for leaping. mine have to develop over time. Much-Afraid gets her hinds' feet only after a long journey with Suffering and Sorrow as her companions. she follows the Shepherd up, down, over, and through many difficult paths, forests, seas, and deserts, and Suffering and Sorrow help her on her way. it's not an easy journey. she runs into her awful relatives along the way (Pride, Bitterness, Self-Pity, etc...you get the idea) and they try to persuade her to come back home. Each time she is assaulted by these trials, she calls out to the Shepherd, and he comes immediately to rescue her. if only i used this same faith every day!!

i am trying to follow my Shepherd. but my "relatives" try to prevent me from staying on the difficult path. they call loudly to me, they trip me up, they make sin seem easier than God's way. but i long to be as trusting as little Much-Afraid. to put my hands in the hands of Sorrow and Suffering and to let them guide me up the mountains in my life. to call out to Jesus when i am unsure, afraid, and tempted. to believe that no matter what i go through down here, there are higher places ahead (not just in heaven, but in this life!!). to trust that every hard day, every trial, every struggle is something that God allows in my life or places in my life to help make my crippled feet like hinds' feet, so that i am equipped to get to the high places.

in the end, Much-Afraid reaches the high places, but only after sacrificing her will, her very self, on the alter of God. only after allowing the Great Shepherd to remove the roots of her human, selfish, much-afraid heart and put in it's place his love. i am drawn to pictures and songs, things that give me a tangible way to capture a thought in my mind. this picture of salvation, of what God can do in my life when I let him, is one of my favorites. i will strive, like little Much-Afraid, to sacrifice my will daily, to remember the lessons he teaches me while i am on the road, and to allow him to continue making my feet like hinds' feet, my face more beautiful, and my heart more like his. Much-Afraid gets a new name when she reaches the high places, for she is no longer much-afraid; i can't wait to hear mine.

wanted: maid with opposable thumbs

what's He to you?

i know it's not officially fall yet, but i am already fully embracing it. with fall comes brisk, blustery days (my favorites, especially if it rains) that require sweaters and scarves and mugs of coffee and cocoa. fall means i get to sit at ballgames wrapped in a quilt without people looking at me like i'm crazy. i am allowed to place gourds and pumpkins and sunflowers and scarecrows all over my house. i love fall. fall also means that thanksgiving is right around the corner. and thanksgiving means that i get to sing one of my favorite childhood songs from the musical "Fat, Fat Jehoshaphat":

"God's been beneficent, benevolent, tender, and benign, gracious, meritorious, merciful, and kind. He is lenient, and laudable, commendable and just. But these words only start to say how good He's been to us!"

That's actually all i remember, but i always think of it at this time of year. this year in particular, i have a lot to be grateful for, so i have been thinking a little bit more about what all of these words mean.

beneficent: causing good to be done
benevolent: expressing goodwill or kindly feelings
tender: affectionate, loving
benign: showing gentleness or kindness
gracious: pleasantly kind, compassionate
meritorious: deserving praise, reward, or esteem
merciful: full of mercy, which is compassion shown to an enemy or offender
kind: of a good or benevolent nature, mild, gentle
lenient: agreeably tolerant, permissive, indulgent
laudable: deserving praise
commendable: to praise as worthy of confidence, notice, and kindness
just: guided by truth, reason, and fairness

these aren't words we use very often in everyday language...but maybe we should. maybe we should work on being the kind of people that others want to use these words about...maybe i should. in any case, start reminding yourself of who God is to you, of how He has shown you his benevolence, his tenderness, his lenience, and his mercy. oh...and get out your pumpkins!

God speaks through dogs too

i have been learning a lot lately about what it means to be obedient to God. today has been no different, except that He showed me something about myself...and he used my dogs to do it.

my two westies have extremely different personalities. tucker is very loving, fun, happy all the time, and typically very obedient. when i tell him to get in his crate, he runs willingly, never detours, and never makes me chase him around to get him to comply. rookie is the polar opposite. he is a little bit stingy with his love, can be a total snob, likes to make trouble, and "obedient" is not in his vocabulary (i guess he doesn't actually have a vocabulary since he's a dog, but you know what i mean...). he would rather do just about anything than get in the crate. when i tell him to get in, he hides under the bed, under the kitchen table, acts like he's going in and then quickly makes a move towards another room, etc. he'll do just about anything to not go into the crate.

today i saw a version of rookie that reminded me of how i must look to God sometimes. i asked him to get in the crate and he stood there looking at me for a few moments, as if consciously weighing his options. he was near the kitchen table and he glanced that way, wondering if he should make a break for it. i asked him again to get in the crate and he began walking towards the crate, very, very slowly, thinking about it with each step and looking at me the whole time to see if i was serious. when he got to the door of the laundry room, where we keep the crate, he took a couple of steps towards the guest bedroom, also very slowly, perhaps so i wouldn't notice. i asked him a third time to get in the crate. he gave me a long, pleading look and then dropped his head and walked in....halfway... he stopped with two feet in the crate and two feet out. i could almost hear him asking, "is this good enough?" i laughed out loud, gave him a kiss and a little push, and went on my way.

and that's when God said, "remind you of anyone?" i hadn't thought of it before, but how many times do i try to pull the same kind of stunts with Him? many times sin seems more attractive than doing what's right. or maybe God's way seems harder, or it doesn't make sense to us. then there are the times when we just flat-out refuse to do the obedient thing. whatever our reasons, we balk and stall and give God excuses in an effort to change His mind, to try and make Him see our point of view. we put two feet in the crate and keep two feet out and try to get away with it by asking, "is this good enough, God?"

well...God answers. and the answer is "no, it's not good enough." there is no such thing as good enough. God demands full obedience. anything short of that is disobedience. there isn't really any room for gray. there's a song by thousand foot krutch that says, "the trouble with truth is it never lies, the trouble with wrong is it's never right." that's such a good picture for me of what sin means to God, and it's convicting... as Christians sometimes we try to disguise our sin, saying it's "just the way i am". we blame our responses on the actions of other people. we do anything and everything we can to make our sin seem ok, so we don't have to be accountable to God or to ourselves. we say it feels good, others are doing it, whatever it takes to allow ourselves to continue being disobedient without facing the consequences. John addresses this in Revelation 3:16, saying that when we are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, God wants to spit us out of His mouth!! trying to walk the line between wrong and right is a sad, dangerous game. i've played it, and i've lost. there is no "middle ground" with sin. it's either sin, or it's God's way.

like my little westie, i have to consciously decide day-by-day, sometimes minute-by-minute, to walk, sometimes very slowly, very hesitantly, towards the right, towards God's light, and away from the wrong. and as rookie has found out, when he obeys willingly, when he doesn't make me chase him around the house, he is often rewarded with a treat. God's blessings are similar, though much more life-changing. His blessings are only found when we walk with Him. and the only way to walk with Him is to be obedient.

mowing stinks...and so do i

i just mowed the grass. yay. woohoo. three cheers for me. seriously...give me three cheers please. i am so tired i can barely type. i know people all over the world mow their own grass all the time. i am sure that many even do it with a self-propelled/push mower. i am not one of those people. today makes twice in my life that i have ever mowed the grass. it will likely be the last time.

you see, my sweet husband's birthday is tomorrow. all he asked for was that we spend some money and time mulching the front yard and planting a crepe myrtle. so today, i thought i would surprise him and mow the grass so that a: it will look good with the new mulch and myrtle, b: he won't have to mow it himself, and c: when his family comes over no one will make fun of our grass. he knows that i hate to work in the yard and i hate being hot...so when this idea came to me i thought that it would be a really great way for me to say "i love you" and "happy birthday".

now...you need to understand that our mower is a little bit finicky. it's rigged to run a certain way and there's a little lever with a rabbit picture at one end and a turtle picture at the other. i gave my father-in-law a call and he walked me through how to start the darn thing. i set everything properly, thanked him for his help, and hung up. and then i remembered the pull-cord starter thingy. the first time i mowed many years ago, i was totally unable to get the mower to start; i just wasn't strong enough or quick enough (this would be reason numero uno for why i haven't mowed the grass since). but today, i decided, would be redemption day...and it was...for a few minutes. i got it started on the first try, began mowing, happily thinking of how pleased jeremy would be when he got home, and then it died. not to be deterred, i located our gas can and poured some gas in the tank. this sounds simple enough, but as you may or may not know, i am deathly afraid of fire, so the mere thought of pouring gasoline in a machine that already kinda smells like it might be burning gave me the heebie jeebies. not wanting to seem foolish in calling my father-in-law again, i gave dear old dad a call to make sure i wasn't doing anything stupid. he suggested i let it cool off a bit before i tried to start it again.

fast-forward one hour to mowing attempt number two. i managed to get it started again (sooo proud of myself, thank you very much) and mowed for a while. eventually, i decided i was about to pass out from being hot, sticky, and sneezing my head off. i cut the mower off (move lever from rabbit to turtle...ah, this makes sense!!!) and went inside for a break. once i had cooled off a bit, i went back out for session number three. only this time there was no starting mr. mower. i yanked. i pulled. i might have even said a few things i shouldn't have. and i almost cried. the front yard was done but the back yard only had a big strip down the side... i just HAD to finish it!! i tried several times and even called a friend of ours to see if he could come help me (no way was i calling dad or father-in-law again...i have my pride, people!); he didn't answer.

so the next logical step was to at least make the front look as good as possible. i have never used a blower or a weed-whacker...but i am proud to say that i now know how...sort of. i whacked some weeds along the edge of the sidewalk (did you know that thing can whack huge holes in the ground!?) and then used the blower to make it all nice and clean and pretty. by this time i was near death, so i took another break and had a little talk with God. i let Him know that i really, really wanted to finish the yard for jeremy, but that i was needing a little bit of help, so He either needed to send me someone to start my mower or i needed a little more oomph to make it happen. i went out, gave the mower one of my best "this yard ain't big enough for the both of us" looks, and gave the starter the biggest, hardest pull i could muster. IT STARTED!!! i said thank you to Jesus, laughed out loud at myself, and spent another hour mowing.

now i am clean and happily curled up under the covers, with some ointment on the blister on my hand, a hot water bottle under my feet, two Aleve in my tummy (washed down with a prayer that they will work some magic), and a towel on my head. he better freaking love it.

rest

our pastor preached on psalm 46 today:
verse 1 says that "God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble." it goes on to describe the abundance of that protection and strength and paints a beautiful picture of the refuge that Jesus can be for a weary soul. but as compelling as this part of the chapter is, it's verse 10 that caught my heart's attention today: "be still and know that I am God." be still. this isn't something i excel at. even when i sleep, i wiggle around all over the place and usually end up in a knot of pajamas and sheets. i don't do still very well at all. but this is what God commands. this is how we are to be if we wish to hear His voice, feel His touch, experience His blessings. the meaning of the word "still" in this verse is described in ancient texts as a command to cease striving, stop fighting....to rest!!

this stepped on my toes a little bit. i am a fighter. i am a nurse and my very existence in the hospital is a function of fighting. i fight for my patients, i fight for their families, i fight against diseases, i fight against death. to be still in my profession is to give up. to be still is to allow the dark to win. to be still is to admit defeat. my brain just doesn't work that way. if i'm honest, my pride doesn't work that way. ouch!! but even on my best days, His way is sooo much better. after all, it's only through His power and grace that i am ever successful at any endeavor i enter into. in my spiritual life, i have a hard time turning off the "i can handle it" switch. i heard mary beth chapman describe this tendency as feeling like God needed me to be the fouth member of the trinity. while i am not bold enough to admit out loud that i feel that way, i surely act that way sometimes! and when things get rough...what do i do first? i try to handle it and then go to God. this is so backwards, so contrary to what He wants to be in our lives. He says, "stop fighting, rest in Me. let Me be your refuge, the river that brings you joy, your protection and strength in times of trouble." why do i make it so hard on myself? why do i insist on trying it my way first? i love this chapter and i love the lesson that it taught me today. rest. rest in God's ways. they are always better. they are always true. His grace is enough...if we only let Him be enough...if we rest.

laundry schmaundry

some of you know this story, but i feel compelled to share it with the world (plus, it gives me an excuse to post this picture...which i find to be hilarious!). we have a laundry problem at our house. we have plenty of clothes, but we can't seem to keep up with the washing, drying, folding, and hanging. it seems simple enough...after all, there are only two of us. but alas, simple continues to elude us in this department. when we moved into our home a little over a year ago, we brought with us a large amount of unwashed laundry (i won't say "dirty laundry"...that just invites you to judge me...). since we have a couple of guest rooms we don't use that often, the ever-growing pile was placed in one of them, the door closed, and brave souls only ventured in when there was a particular item we could no longer live without. this went on for some time until recently, when we decided enough was enough. now, let me pause for a moment and caution you: what i am about to tell you has happened to us before. twice. but i swear...this is the LAST time....

so where was i? oh yes, enough was enough. we took an otherwise boring tuesday and turned it into something fantastic. you guessed it...we went to the laundromat. ten bucks to the person who guesses how many loads of laundry we did that day. i'll give you a hint...it cost us forty bucks! that's right...sixteen loads of laundry.

take a moment here, pick up your jaw, stop laughing. i'm serious. the entire wall of dryers was going with nothing but our clothes for a good hour. i imagine we single-handedly funded that laundromat for the rest of the year. in any case...we whipped that pile of clothes into shape. we found clothes we didn't know we had. it was like christmas!

and they say money can't buy happiness...

settling in, hunkering down

it's been a while since i've posted. i've just been busy...and my heart's been busy. or rather, God's been busy working in my heart. it's an interesting place that we are in right now. God has used many difficult times in my life to draw me to Him, but never before like this. i have been so broken, so saddened, not just by our miscarriages, but by the realization that i fall so short of what He intends for me. and He is using it all...every single broken piece, every fragment and shred that i have left, every battered and bruised part of my soul. He is using it to show me who He is. i am learning to love God and have come to trust Him for who He is, not for what He does. because things in my life aren't exactly working out the way i planned. and fortunately for me, God isn't working in my life the way i'd planned, either. He is working the way He planned. and amen to that!!

God is blessing me through my precious husband. jeremy's always been a nice guy, a good husband. but he has been as broken by the last few months as i have, and he has managed to keep it all together. he has been my strength. he made me get out of bed, made me paint the fireplace mantle (his little trick to get me doing something i love), and has allowed me into the beautiful parts of his soul that i had not yet had the privilege of seeing. God is so evident in his life. he is earnestly seeking God, trying to be the man God has called him to be. he encourages me daily, challenges me to live in ways that are more pleasing to God. he keeps me honest and loves me perfectly. our marriage hasn't always been easy, but remaining committed to each other, sometimes when we didn't want to (i can't imagine living with me...), has been the biggest blessing of my life. obviously, God's way is best...but this is proof that i can physically see, a wonderful display of what God can do with imperfect people when we allow ourselves to be used by Him, when we choose to be obedient.

God is also working in other ways. both jeremy and i feel distinctly and unmistakably called towards adoption. we also hope to become pregnant again, with anxious and hopeful hearts. it's kind of a mixed calling, i guess, but i know that God will work it out in His perfect timing. i have no idea if either venture will end with a baby in my arms, but i trust that His perfect will will be done, whatever that looks like. i have finally been able to admit to myself, and to God (although He already knew, of course) how badly i want a child. it probably seems obvious, but i hadn't been able to admit it until this week. i have always said that my marriage was enough for me, and while this is true, i deeply want more than enough. is this selfish? perhaps...but i am just being honest. if it doesn't happen for us, i know that we will be ok. but in the meantime, i am pouring out my mother's heart to God. i know He hears my prayers, regardless of how He decides to answer. He knows the longing i feel. He knows how much my sweet husband wants to hold a tiny hand. He knows and He cares. and He is actively answering our prayers...we just can't see it all quite yet, and it may not look like what we have in mind.

i am excited to see what is ahead for us. i am curious, anxious, expectant. i am waiting to see what He has in store. and trusting in that unseen future is a daily exercise for me. it's a choice i have to consciously make every day, sometimes multiple times a day. trust doesn't come naturally, and the world throws me many reasons to doubt my God. but i believe romans 8:28 that "all things work together for good". so i am settling in. i am hunkering down in preparation for the storms that i know will still come. i am waiting on the Lord. and i am trusting.

some things i'm learning

i have had some dark places in my life recently. two miscarriages in the space of six months has been almost more than i can bear. but yet again, God says "I am in control" and He continues to love me extravagantly.

not all of you will agree with me, but i believe with my whole heart that both of these babies were, in fact, babies. they weren't just a bunch of cells...they weren't simply fertilized eggs...this belief of mine is not convenient for me, mind you. the loss might feel differently if i didn't believe this way. but i do...and so i am dealing with it in my own time.

psalm 139 says two things in particular that speak to my heart this morning:
a: verse 12: even the darkness is not dark to You. the night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to You.
b: verses 13-16: You made my whole being; You formed me in my mother's body. i praise You because You made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What You have done is wonderful. You saw my bones being formed as i took shape in my mother's body. When i was put together there, You saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before i was one day old.

both of my babies were not healthy enough to make it very far along. the second one, we found out recently, actually had chromosomal abnormalities that were not compatible with life. i have questioned this chromosomal mistake, i have questioned my own body, i have questioned everything. and God daily reminds me, particularly through these verses, that He doesn't make mistakes. i don't understand, and won't even pretend to. but this was in His plan. and I trust that plan. my darkness feels so very black at times. but He is in that darkness with me and His word tells me that it's just like daylight to Him.

i am reminded of the first time my niece, scarlet, saw fireworks for the first time. i was holding her and the loud noises scared her badly. when she began crying, i spoke softly to her, "it's ok. i am here. this is beautiful and you have nothing to be afraid of. i am here. i've got you." it didn't stop her from crying and being quickly passed to her mom, of course, but i hear those words being spoken to me today. softly He whispers to me, "it's ok. I am here. what I create and allow in your life is beautiful and is for your good. I am here. I've got you."

take time to remember

for all my friends who have the privilege of helping to save lives every day: i love you, i admire you, and because sometimes we forget...

"don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out
'cause somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe
why don't you rise up now, don't be afraid to stand out
that's how the lost get found" --britt nicole

stay the course, work it out, try as hard as you can.
we're the only ones they have!!

lemon pepper lovin'

okay, folks. after seven years of marriage, i have found yet another wonderful surprise side of my husband. the man can friggin' cook. oh yes. he's been holding out on me all these years, with his "i can't even boil water" baloney. well, the gig is up! i came home last night to lemon pepper shrimp, rice, and eggrolls, the latter of which he cooked on the grill (sheer genious!) since apparently his cooking skills do not extend to the oven. it was more than edible...it was fantastic. i was starving, admittedly, but still... as far as "best surprise ever", this ranks right up there. he was literally taking it off the stove as i walked in the door...words do not express how fabulous that was...and the smell...heaven. it's no secret to my friends and family that i love to eat. a lot. it's an experience for me, really, and i typically save the best bite of the meal for last (i have a system for this, but i won't make myself sound any crazier than usual by explaining it here). last night, i couldn't even choose a best bite; it was just that good. kudos to you, mr. miller. you rock.

rookie vs. the hose

my dogs provide me with endless hours of joy and mirth. tucker is the one that gets all the attention. he's cute, very fluffy, and loves everyone. rookie, while being very cute and fluffy himself, is a little more choosy with whom he shares his love, so he doesn't get all the ladies like tucker does. but what he's missing in sweetness, he makes up for in personality. he has an attitude the size of an elephant and is still just a puppy at heart. he is more loyal than most humans and, as you can see, surely knows how to have a good time. jeremy thought he was trying to kill the hose...i think he was just having fun. it was a hot, gorgeous day...and this, apparently, is how you make the most of it!

the trashman

one of my favorite books is next door savior by max lucado. it takes stories from the Bible and relates them to today's issues, showing us just how real and relevant a relationship with Jesus Christ can be. it's one of the few books i have read more than once.

my favorite chapter tells a parable of sorts as a way of relating the significance of what Jesus did for us with His death on the cross and subsequent resurrection. mr. lucado will hopefully forgive me for paraphrasing his story, one that i have found to speak to me personally, and one that i make a point to reflect on each easter.

the story begins with a woman who is carrying a bag of trash. it's heavy, it stinks, and she is very burdened by the task of carrying it around with her. when she gets tired of carrying it, she sometimes sits down to rest, but this is as unbearable as walking with the heavy load, as resting causes her to reflect on all of the contents of her garbage bag. she often looks in the bag, disgusted with what things she has placed in the bag, ashamed that she has so much trash to carry around. she is not the only one, of course. there are others around her who also carry trash, others who are tired, burdened, and miserable.

as she is walking, she meets a man. he offers to carry her trash for her, to take her burden away. she resists, too ashamed to allow someone else to carry her bag. what if it's too heavy for him? what if he looks inside and sees the pieces of her life that she is so ashamed of? what would he think of her if he knew? as much as she wishes she could be rid of the trash, there is no way she can risk giving it to someone else to carry. the man walks with her awhile, promising that he is happy to carry it, promising that he doesn't care what's inside, trying to reassure her that he is more than capable of bearing her burden. but she continues to resist. he eventually leaves her, but he tells her that if she changes her mind, he will be at the landfill at the edge of town each day, and that she is welcome to bring her trash there for him to take from her. she is skeptical, but holds on to his words and reflects on them in the next few days.

after several days more of carrying her huge sack of garbage, the woman feels as if she can no longer bear it. she remembers the man and his offer to take her trash if she will bring it to the landfill. after much thought and consideration, she decides to see if he meant what he told her. when she gets near the landfill, she is shocked at what she sees. there is a long line of people with sacks as large as hers, all waiting to give them to the man she met on the street. the man himself is standing on a huge mound of garbage, and is taking each bag from each person and pouring all of the trash in the bag onto himself. once a person's garbage has been poured out, they are free to walk, unburdened, lighter than before, with no worries for a heavy pack on their backs.

because of the long line, the woman waits for several days to get to the man. she is worried that he might change his mind when he gets to her. she is a good person, she thinks, but there are just so many things she should've done differently. still she waits until it is her turn. when it is, she cautiously hands her full garbage bag to the man. as he did with all the others, he lifts her bag over his head and empties the garbag out onto himself, taking away her shame, her fear, and replacing it with a freedom she has never known. her garbage blends in with the rest. she can't even tell what was hers, since she gave it to the man. as she starts to walk away, she realizes that all the ones who went before her are still there. no one wants to leave. they are so comforted by this man, his willingness to take their burdens, his ability to love them despite the trash in their lives. they all stay until the last person gives over his trash.

and then something scary and strange happens. as the last man's trash pours out onto the man, the man cries out with a loud groan and collapses into the now enormous and all-consuming pile of garbage. the crowd doesn't know what to do. they don't understand. so they wait. the sky gets very black and two days pass, and still they wait. they just can't seem to leave. on the third day of waiting, an even more strange thing begins to happen. the sun breaks through the dark sky. the pile of garbage begins to move. and the man slowly rises up through all of the trash to end up standing. standing! victorious over all of the garbage in our lives.

i know not everyone who reads this will share my beliefs, but this is what i believe. i am not perfect. i am so far from being like Jesus. but i believe that He died for me, to take away my sin, my trash. and i believe that He rose from the grave and lives inside of me, giving me hope, assurance, and guidance in my daily life. sometimes i don't act like i believe this. sometimes i do things and say things that don't reflect the love i have in my heart for this wonderful Trashman. fortunately for me, He still waits at the landfill, every minute of every day. and He continues to take my trash from me, begging me not to pick it up again after he takes it. i am so thankful for His love and forgiveness, and for the sacrifice He made for me. the same sacrifice He made for you.

happy easter.

i love my friends

apparently, i am in a list-making mood these days....
i am so grateful for the friends i have in my life. some of them are new, some are old (in length of time we've been friends, not in age...although if the shoe fits....). some are related to me and some just should've been. some i see often, and some i wish i could spend more time with.
they all make me laugh and help me remember who i am and why my life is good.

here's why... (and you know who you are)
1.   they have "name the wound vac" contests
2.   they play office uno (which is way better than regular uno, just so you know...)
3.   they impersonate dogs
4.   they buy my breakfast/lunch/dinner when i "forget" my wallet
5.   they let me cry on their couches, their shoulders, in their cars, on the phone...i cry a lot
6.   they make me run, regardless of my heart rate
7.   they tell me when i am being a biatch
8.   they make fun of the way i walk, talk, and drive
9.   they don't judge me
10. they have sick senses of humor at 3 o'clock in the morning
11. they make me feel less dramatic
12. they forgive me
13. they text me inappropriately during meetings
14. they enjoy my poetry
15. they let me borrow books
16. they listen to stories about my dogs and act interested
17. they eat comfort food with me so i don't feel so badly about eating comfort food
18. they play with my hair
19. they pick the restaurant when i don't want to
20. they call me in the middle of the night with stories too funny to wait until morning

my friends are the best on the planet. i love you all!!!

the best things about a bear (my husband!)

pay attention boys... if you've got a woman, she might like some of these!!

1. he picks up my shoes
2. we can have dinner at a fancy restaurant and eat slice-n-bake cookies at home, all in the same night
3. when i am sad, he takes me shopping
4. he still makes me mix cd's from time to time (you can't beat the mix cd...)
5. we can be in the same room, doing different things, and still feel like we are spending time together
6. he lets me steal the covers
7. he prays for me
8. he allows me to correct the grammar and spelling in his emails
9. he patiently answers all the "night questions"... on a nightly basis (ie: "honey, did you lock the doors? did you turn off the fireplace? are all the lights off? did you set the alarm? what's the heat set on?")
10. when i'm mad, he makes me laugh and i forget all about what i was mad about
11. he tells me when i am wrong
12. he tells me when i am right (note to self: be right more often!)
13. he likes it when i sing the morning song (if you're lucky, maybe you'll hear it someday... i have a song for everything)
14. he is as crazy about our pups as i am
15. he stays on his half of the bathroom countertop
16. he complains when my pager goes off
17. when we go to a mexican restaurant, he speaks to the waiter in spanish....with a japanese accent (embarrassing? yes. hilarious? double yes.)
18. he indulges my need to decorate, rearrange, redecorate, and rearrange
19. he actually said the other day, "all this scrapbooking stuff looks like it could really be fun!" (i promised i wouldn't tell, but i just can't help myself)
20. he gets along with my dad

these are just a few... i am a lucky girl.

living with the pup

we have a west highland white terrier. two actually, but this is about the cute one to the left, tucker. we rescued him a few years ago and can't imagine our lives without him. he does, however, have some peculiar habits. my favorite is his habit of hiding his food. he eats normal dog food, and we give him plenty of it, but for some reason, he feels the need to hide several pieces throughout the house, i presume to eat later in case we don't feed him? he has done this since we've had him, using the corners of rooms, the cracks of the couch, etc. but i have recently found a few new hiding places that i didn't know about.


i decided to clean the house today and found two pieces of food behind the toilet in our bathroom and one piece under jeremy's sweatshirt on the bathroom floor. while i was cleaning this bathroom, tucker came in to supervise and proceeded to "hide" the piece under the sweatshirt even more. this involves him moving the sweatshirt around with his nose, sort of like if he were burying the food in dirt. the piece of food remained visible the entire time, but he continued with the hiding until he was satisfied. when i picked up the shirt to take it to the wash, he rushed in, ate the piece of food, and rushed out. i chuckled all the way to the laundry room and laughed outright when i pulled the clothes out of the dryer. in addition to the clothes, some lint, and the common dollar or two, out fell three pieces of dog food. i am wondering if this was stuck in some clothes? or has my adorable little dog found a way to get in the dryer? maybe i left the door open...???

in any case, this funny little habit makes me laugh daily, just more than usual today. leave it to a dog to make you smile. westies supposedly live for 15 years or so...that's plenty of time to hide several meals worth of dog food!

february...boo!

there are several months of the year that i enjoy.
september is probably my favorite. i met my husband in september, the air is crisp but not too cold, jackets can be comfortably worn (i love jackets and coats...), etc.
october is another favorite, as is december. and let's not forget my birthday month of march (it's the 7th).

february is not one of my favorites. in fact, february is the worst month ever.
here are a few reasons why:
1. why is the "r" necessary? why not spell it like it sounds? whoever heard of a silent "r"?
2. what's the deal with the 28 or 29 days? it would be different if february (i hate even writing it, the spelling drives me crazy!!) was an awesome month and needed to be special, but it isn't (as you will soon see), so what the heck?! just be like everybody else, febUary, and pick 30 or 31 days...28 is just stupid...
3. it's freaking cold
4. valentine's day. hear me out, please. i am a romantic person. i like gifts. i like chocolate. i like sappy movies that make me cry. i like nice dinners out. i like hearing "i love you". do i really need a day where people are forced to give me these things just because a month who doesn't have the right amount of days says so? you don't get out of work or school...you don't get paid extra if you do work...banks are not closed...so it's not really a holiday...and besides, pink and red do NOT go together!
5. for me, this year, several fairly awful things have happened in february, so in addition to the above, i have various new reasons to hate february. i do it gladly.

my husband and i are planning on boycotting several days in february next year. we are going to skip them entirely...cross them off the calendar, call out sick from work, stay inside all day, and eat doughnuts...that'll teach 'em...

i think i might boycott the whole damn month.

gratitude (by nicole nordeman)

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

what time is it??

when i was a kid, my parents made me listen to a lot of silly, fun, kid songs (ok, fine, they didn't make me... i loved them...). one of my favorites that seems to keep popping up in my adult life is about time...
here's a little excerpt (with motion instructions).  i apologize only that you can't hear me singing it at the top of my lungs and see me do the motions that go along with it):

don't let your face be seven twenty-five (point your hands down in angles at your sides)
looking like a frown (make a frowny face-duh)
let it shine like ten after ten (big smile here folks, put your hands by your face with your fingers spread wide, like they are happy too; it's also nice to sway side to side when you are singing this part)
like a great big happy clown (keep smiling...)
let it be ten ten!! (you have to jump when you say "ten ten" with a huge smile and arms up high and out at an angle, like a "Y" if you were doing the "YMCA" dance)

unfortunately (or fortunately, if you are one of the lucky few who have to listen to me sing this occasionally), i don't remember the rest of it...which makes me a little 7:25ish...
for those of you who are still confused, go get a clock with actual hands. when the hands are at 7:25, it makes the mouth of a frowny face. 10:10 = a happy face. get it???!!!   i love it!!!!

the best part is that i sent my dad a picture of a clock at 10:10 today and he replied with "don't let your face be 7:25".

being a kid was great. funny songs teach good lessons sometimes. so keep smiling.... let it be 10:10!!!

victory and marinara

today is a big day folks. i got to eat lunch at demos'. perhaps you are thinking..."what's so special about that?" or "who cares?" well my skeptical and perhaps somewhat unenlightened friends... demos' is the place my husband refuses to go. i don't know exactly what he has against the most buttery, perfectly thin spaghetti on the planet, or why he has a problem with hot, parmesean-covered rolls dripping with butter, nor am i sure what the best browned butter and garlic or the creamiest alfredo sauce i've ever had ever did to him...but whatever his irrational beliefs, he typically stomps his little foot and simply will not go. today was different. today he said yes. perhaps it was my pouty bottom lip that did the trick, or my repetition of the sentence "we ARE going to Demos' for lunch" that won him over. it might also have been the withering stare i gave him from the passenger side of our car when he said, "i really don't want to go there" that made him realize i needed pasta in a bad way. whatever the reason for his sudden change of heart, i found myself spending my lunch hour with a much-too-large plate of spaghetti (of which i ate enough to make myself sick) covered in not one, not two, but three different delightful sauces (meat sauce, alfredo, and the browned butter and garlic if you must know), two baskets of the aforementioned rolls, and a salad (my attempt at something healthy...does lettuce actually have any nutritive value??). our waitress was perfectly pleasant and we only had to wait five minutes for a table in the midst of the after-church rush. it was, by all accounts, the best lunch ever. of course, my favorite part of the meal was when he looked at me and said (begrudgingly, with clenched teeth and a smile), "this is actually pretty good. next time i think i'll ask for more marinara."  next time, you say???!!!!! next time!!!!! oh bliss! oh joy! oh yes...there WILL be a next time!

the helpful husband

so....the hubs has been trying to be very helpful around the house lately. most recently, as you can see, he did the dishes. married life always has it's funny moments, but walking into the kitchen to this surprise might be one of my favorites. he thought the dishwasher was broken, but i gently explained that it was, in fact, user error and not the dishwasher's fault.

so for all you husbands or non-domestic types (i'm shocked i haven't done this myself in the past), do NOT put liquid detergent in the dishwasher.... if you do, you will have lots o' bubbles!

you asked for it...

several of you have mentioned your sadness at losing me on facebook. never fear... milldog is here. i will attempt to keep you entertained with this blog, although i am not making any promises. it's fairly easy to sound clever in a sentence or two...the more i say, the more trouble i seem to get into... but we'll give it a shot, at least. you are welcome to critique my grammar and spelling. goodness knows i would do it to you! feel free to pass the link for this on to people that you know i trust and care about. everyone else will just have to do without me.

hope you enjoy :)