i don't know who you are. i don't know what is going on in your life right now. are you pregnant yet? are you in love? are you thrilled? are you broken-hearted? are you weighing your options and trying to figure out where your life is going?
i think about you all the time. you are the person who is or who will be carrying a child of mine. i wonder if you are scared. i wonder if you are alone or if you are fortunate enough to have a supportive family and friends. i think about how hard it must be for you...whatever your circumstances...to try and make such a selfless decision.
i hope there are people in your life who love you. i hope there are friends who love you the way God does. i pray for you that you will have the strength to choose life, that you will be able to bear any heartache, any criticism, any uncertainty, and that you will be enormously blessed because of your courage.
if you don't know Jesus, i pray that He will place someone in your life to lead you to Him. i want for you a life that is perfectly in line with His will for you, even if you can't see that right now. i pray for your heart...that He will heal any hurts, any pain, any bitterness. i pray for your safety, your health, and the baby you will hold in your tummy...the baby you will hold in your arms...our baby.
i can't wait to meet you. i want you to know that i love you and more importantly, that God loves you. i believe in you. i respect you. i admire you. and i am praying for you every day. for you and for your family. for whatever road you are on. may God's grace be real to you, may His love consume you, may you feel His hand on your life. you are not alone. He has never left me and i promise He will never leave you.
He is working in your life. and He is using you to work in mine. i pray He will allow me to be used in yours.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
connecting the dots
so much of my mental and emotional struggles over the last year have centered on the difficulty i have had in pursuing both adoption and conception. i have encountered so many misconceptions about both (including some in my own thinking) and in general, the popular view is that they are mutually exclusive: you can conceive, or you can't so you adopt. because that isn't really the case with us and we are pursuing both at the same time, it's been confusing. it feels strange trying infertility treatments at the same time that we are interviewing with our adoption agency. but it has felt right, too.
there have been multiple stops along the way that God has used to provide confirmation of one or both avenues, and being able to look back and see how the dots have been connecting all along provides comfort, assurance, and hope. we have prayed constantly that God would make the correct path(s) clear to us...and here's how He's been working:
it all started back when i was a teenager and was intially diagnosed with my crazy double uterus. the first doctor i saw said i would never have children and recommended a complete hysterectomy...at age 16! fortunately for me, my parents sought the Lord's will and He led them to seek a second opinion. the second doctor had a different view and ultimately decided on the surgery that would allow my husband and i to experience the brief joys of being pregnant twice. when we started having difficulties, He led us to a doctor who doesn't typically even see patients like me. i'm not sure why we got scheduled to see Him...but he was kind, compassionate, and supported our need to do everything possible to try and sustain both of our pregnancies. he knew they would both result in miscarriage before we did, of course, but he saw beyond the physical need and took care of us emotionally. he supported our belief in life at conception and i will always be greatful for his care during such difficult times.
when this doctor suggested we see a specialist, he recommended the best physician he knew...and it just happened to be the doctor that had done my original surgery. we called to schedule an appointment; he said he wasn't seeing new patients and couldn't help me. we hung up and i felt so discouraged, not knowing where to turn. and then he called me back. his nurse said he had changed his mind and would see us the very next day. funny how things work like that...
in the meantime, while God was working all that out, He has given us multiple confirmations of the path to adoption. many of you know how big a part Christian music plays in my life. God uses it more often than anything else to speak His love, His will, and His conviction into my life. it was at a Christian concert that i felt the distinct call to attend the university where i met my husband. and once we had begun researching adoption, He used the testimonies of Christian artists and speakers to help us feel sure about this road. along the way has been song after song about adoption, God's plan, trusting in Him, and His love that have guided us so gently along both of these apparently converging paths. most recently, at a Christian concert i felt too old to be enjoying, there was more to hear about how God has worked in lives through adoption.
it's unbelievable, really. that God would give me all of this...just because He knows i need it to feel sure of what we're doing. it's just one of the ways He is loving me. and He's showing me that what i think are two very separate paths may in fact both be on the same path. once again, God says to me "I've got this baby girl. don't worry. have hope. trust Me."
a page full of numbered dots doesn't look like much. but when you start connecting them, a beautiful picture unfolds. that beauty has been there all along...just waiting to be seen for what it is.
there have been multiple stops along the way that God has used to provide confirmation of one or both avenues, and being able to look back and see how the dots have been connecting all along provides comfort, assurance, and hope. we have prayed constantly that God would make the correct path(s) clear to us...and here's how He's been working:
it all started back when i was a teenager and was intially diagnosed with my crazy double uterus. the first doctor i saw said i would never have children and recommended a complete hysterectomy...at age 16! fortunately for me, my parents sought the Lord's will and He led them to seek a second opinion. the second doctor had a different view and ultimately decided on the surgery that would allow my husband and i to experience the brief joys of being pregnant twice. when we started having difficulties, He led us to a doctor who doesn't typically even see patients like me. i'm not sure why we got scheduled to see Him...but he was kind, compassionate, and supported our need to do everything possible to try and sustain both of our pregnancies. he knew they would both result in miscarriage before we did, of course, but he saw beyond the physical need and took care of us emotionally. he supported our belief in life at conception and i will always be greatful for his care during such difficult times.
when this doctor suggested we see a specialist, he recommended the best physician he knew...and it just happened to be the doctor that had done my original surgery. we called to schedule an appointment; he said he wasn't seeing new patients and couldn't help me. we hung up and i felt so discouraged, not knowing where to turn. and then he called me back. his nurse said he had changed his mind and would see us the very next day. funny how things work like that...
in the meantime, while God was working all that out, He has given us multiple confirmations of the path to adoption. many of you know how big a part Christian music plays in my life. God uses it more often than anything else to speak His love, His will, and His conviction into my life. it was at a Christian concert that i felt the distinct call to attend the university where i met my husband. and once we had begun researching adoption, He used the testimonies of Christian artists and speakers to help us feel sure about this road. along the way has been song after song about adoption, God's plan, trusting in Him, and His love that have guided us so gently along both of these apparently converging paths. most recently, at a Christian concert i felt too old to be enjoying, there was more to hear about how God has worked in lives through adoption.
it's unbelievable, really. that God would give me all of this...just because He knows i need it to feel sure of what we're doing. it's just one of the ways He is loving me. and He's showing me that what i think are two very separate paths may in fact both be on the same path. once again, God says to me "I've got this baby girl. don't worry. have hope. trust Me."
a page full of numbered dots doesn't look like much. but when you start connecting them, a beautiful picture unfolds. that beauty has been there all along...just waiting to be seen for what it is.
Friday, March 11, 2011
dancing in the minefields
www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtTa81LyuQM
for anyone who has said "i do"
(cut and paste into your browser).
i love you b.
for anyone who has said "i do"
(cut and paste into your browser).
i love you b.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
asking
to the one whose dreams are falling all apart
and all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
i can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not alone
have you heard of the One who can calm the raging sea
give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
with a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone
His are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
His are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me
His are the hands that healed the leper
pulled the lame up to their feet
His are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free
you will be safe in His arms
-phil wickham
*******************************************
i was praying for my mother-in-law last night. we were told she likely had cancer and she was going for more tests today. i am not a very good pray-er...i get distracted easily. sometimes i fall asleep. i talk too much and forget to listen. but i thought i was doing well last night. i was praying that she would feel peace at the doctor's office, that she wouldn't feel alone, that the doctors would know how to treat her. and then God pricked my heart. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal her.
i was speechless for once in my life. i opened my eyes and began trying to answer the question. why hadn't i asked Him to heal her? i believe He can. i have seen Him heal others. so why not ask Him? what's it going to hurt? and so i did. i prayed that if she truly had cancer, that He would take it away, that whatever they saw last week wouldn't be there anymore. i had such a sense of peace in my heart. i have never asked God to heal someone i love before...i have never had to trust Him to do that. it felt good to believe that He could heal her, that He would heal her if it was His will.
and then He very softly asked me another question. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal me. i have uterine abnormalities, gene mutations, wacko hormones, and only He knows what else. i have prayed for (and received) emotional healing. i have prayed for Him to work in my life and in my marriage, and He has. i have prayed that my doctors would be kind and compassionate, that they would have the knowledge to treat my problems; they have been all of these things. i have prayed for confirmation of our calling to adoption. God has given us this confirmation time and time again and has opened doors for us on this path. i have prayed for His guidance and for help in trusting Him, help in knowing His will, help in making right decisions. He has provided all of this and more.
and yet i have never had the boldness to ask for physical healing. i have told Him the desires of my heart, but i have never asked Him to give me the desires of my heart. i didn't realize there was a difference. but last night in the quiet of those moments in prayer, i saw a vast difference. telling God what i want doesn't cost me anything. He already knows what i want. it's not news to Him. but asking Him for what i want is a lot more emotionally expensive. and the price is in a currency with which i am unfamiliar: trust. to ask Him to meet a need is to trust and believe that He will meet it. it means having hope and expecting Him to heal my body. it means believing that He will allow me to have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby.
hope feels dangerous to me. allowing myself to hope means that i might be broken again. being discouraged is so much less risky. it's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. it doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. i can do it so effortlessly. having hope requires emotional effort. it requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that i let go of the reins and allow Him to handle the ride. why is this so hard for me? He has done so much in my life...
and lest i manage to really start trusting Him...there's the ever-present voice that asks, "why would He heal you? what makes you so special? what makes you think He would choose to do a miracle like that for you?" these aren't easy questions for me, and i'm still working on my answers, but there are a few things i know:
i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.
He loves me more than i will ever understand and His word says to ask for His hand on my life and in my life. He chose to give His only Son's life so that i could be with Him forever. and somehow in all of that, He promises to hear my prayers. He promises to give me the desires of my heart. and He says that i can boldly come to His throne in prayer, without fear, without shame, even and especially with a heart full of questions and pain.
so i am asking. i am asking for His will and i am asking for two babies, both healthy, one through a healthy biologic pregnancy, and one through adoption. i am asking to get to hold them, to get to love them, and to get to know them. this is the desire of my heart.
p.s.: my mother-in-law's tests showed no cancer today. maybe it's because of my prayers. maybe it isn't. but i was blessed in praying for her. i was blessed by trusting in Him to heal her. i am so thankful.
and all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
i can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not alone
have you heard of the One who can calm the raging sea
give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
with a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone
His are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
His are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me
His are the hands that healed the leper
pulled the lame up to their feet
His are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free
you will be safe in His arms
-phil wickham
*******************************************
i was praying for my mother-in-law last night. we were told she likely had cancer and she was going for more tests today. i am not a very good pray-er...i get distracted easily. sometimes i fall asleep. i talk too much and forget to listen. but i thought i was doing well last night. i was praying that she would feel peace at the doctor's office, that she wouldn't feel alone, that the doctors would know how to treat her. and then God pricked my heart. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal her.
i was speechless for once in my life. i opened my eyes and began trying to answer the question. why hadn't i asked Him to heal her? i believe He can. i have seen Him heal others. so why not ask Him? what's it going to hurt? and so i did. i prayed that if she truly had cancer, that He would take it away, that whatever they saw last week wouldn't be there anymore. i had such a sense of peace in my heart. i have never asked God to heal someone i love before...i have never had to trust Him to do that. it felt good to believe that He could heal her, that He would heal her if it was His will.
and then He very softly asked me another question. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal me. i have uterine abnormalities, gene mutations, wacko hormones, and only He knows what else. i have prayed for (and received) emotional healing. i have prayed for Him to work in my life and in my marriage, and He has. i have prayed that my doctors would be kind and compassionate, that they would have the knowledge to treat my problems; they have been all of these things. i have prayed for confirmation of our calling to adoption. God has given us this confirmation time and time again and has opened doors for us on this path. i have prayed for His guidance and for help in trusting Him, help in knowing His will, help in making right decisions. He has provided all of this and more.
and yet i have never had the boldness to ask for physical healing. i have told Him the desires of my heart, but i have never asked Him to give me the desires of my heart. i didn't realize there was a difference. but last night in the quiet of those moments in prayer, i saw a vast difference. telling God what i want doesn't cost me anything. He already knows what i want. it's not news to Him. but asking Him for what i want is a lot more emotionally expensive. and the price is in a currency with which i am unfamiliar: trust. to ask Him to meet a need is to trust and believe that He will meet it. it means having hope and expecting Him to heal my body. it means believing that He will allow me to have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby.
hope feels dangerous to me. allowing myself to hope means that i might be broken again. being discouraged is so much less risky. it's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. it doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. i can do it so effortlessly. having hope requires emotional effort. it requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that i let go of the reins and allow Him to handle the ride. why is this so hard for me? He has done so much in my life...
and lest i manage to really start trusting Him...there's the ever-present voice that asks, "why would He heal you? what makes you so special? what makes you think He would choose to do a miracle like that for you?" these aren't easy questions for me, and i'm still working on my answers, but there are a few things i know:
i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.
He loves me more than i will ever understand and His word says to ask for His hand on my life and in my life. He chose to give His only Son's life so that i could be with Him forever. and somehow in all of that, He promises to hear my prayers. He promises to give me the desires of my heart. and He says that i can boldly come to His throne in prayer, without fear, without shame, even and especially with a heart full of questions and pain.
so i am asking. i am asking for His will and i am asking for two babies, both healthy, one through a healthy biologic pregnancy, and one through adoption. i am asking to get to hold them, to get to love them, and to get to know them. this is the desire of my heart.
p.s.: my mother-in-law's tests showed no cancer today. maybe it's because of my prayers. maybe it isn't. but i was blessed in praying for her. i was blessed by trusting in Him to heal her. i am so thankful.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)