our little brooks is a little...well...little. he's not growing as much as he should be and the doctors don't really know why. our hearts and heads are reeling from the possibility that we may end up seeing brooks sooner rather than later. please pray with us that he will continue to grow and catch up to where he is supposed to be. pray for God's will in his life and for His hands on his little body. pray for our hearts as we anxiously await another ultrasound in a few weeks. we are preparing ourselves for the possibility that he may be born at 30 weeks if his growth does not increase, but are continuing to cling to the miraculous hands of God as we remember that He is bigger than all of this.
we are scared. we are worried. but we are choosing to trust in our heavenly Father. we know He is working His incredible plan in our lives and in the life of our precious son. we are thankful for each and every day that we get to feel brooks kicking in my belly, and we wait with impatient breath to see what the Lord has in store for all of us.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
the snoogle
i have the most amazing husband. he bought me a snoogle.
"a what?" you say? a snoogle! according to the package, it's the "mother of all pregnancy pillows" and i couldn't agree more. it's kind of a cross between a friendly snake, a fluffy pillow, and a giant letter "c", all rolled into one fantastic package. he surprised me with it yesterday. i think perhaps i am keeping him awake at night with all my tossing and turning and getting up and down to pee, get something to drink, have a snack, see how much longer i have to sleep before my alarm goes off, make the feeling come back into my numb arms, etc. oh, and apparently i am a more noisy breather now that i used to be.
so perhaps the snoogle was for his own sanity....hmmm....nope, i think it was for me. it fits perfectly under my every-growing belly and makes me feel like i am sleeping in a not-too-tight cocoon. the dogs even like it; rookie "snoogled" right up to the back of it and i even caught tucker making a little nest in the middle of it.
it's pretty great. and it wasn't cheap, but i think it was worth the moolah. now, maybe i need to invest in some earplugs for him, some breathe-right strips for me, and a mini-fridge to keep in the bedroom....yes....that sounds about right!
"a what?" you say? a snoogle! according to the package, it's the "mother of all pregnancy pillows" and i couldn't agree more. it's kind of a cross between a friendly snake, a fluffy pillow, and a giant letter "c", all rolled into one fantastic package. he surprised me with it yesterday. i think perhaps i am keeping him awake at night with all my tossing and turning and getting up and down to pee, get something to drink, have a snack, see how much longer i have to sleep before my alarm goes off, make the feeling come back into my numb arms, etc. oh, and apparently i am a more noisy breather now that i used to be.
so perhaps the snoogle was for his own sanity....hmmm....nope, i think it was for me. it fits perfectly under my every-growing belly and makes me feel like i am sleeping in a not-too-tight cocoon. the dogs even like it; rookie "snoogled" right up to the back of it and i even caught tucker making a little nest in the middle of it.
it's pretty great. and it wasn't cheap, but i think it was worth the moolah. now, maybe i need to invest in some earplugs for him, some breathe-right strips for me, and a mini-fridge to keep in the bedroom....yes....that sounds about right!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
a beautiful heart
we got to see our little boy today. he was moving a ton (thanks to a little coca-cola i had at lunch) and even showed out a little bit for us by sucking his thumb. it was precious.
as the sonographer was checking everything out on the ultrasound, she zoomed in on his heart. we have known since the last ultrasound that his little heart was normal and functioning properly; it was one of the first things i asked about at the last ultrasound. before we could even ask why she was looking so closely at his heart this time, she said, "this is a beautiful heart. he has a beautiful heart."
as a nurse who has taken care of many children with congenital heart defects, i was worried about our baby's heart from the beginning. as a nurse who now takes care of matching "beautiful hearts" to the perfect recipient through transplant, i understand the medical and physical beauty of a heart that functions perfectly. there is such incredible detail involved in all the pieces of the body, but particularly with the heart, with all of its intricate muscle fibers, electrical system, and the amount of plumbing required for it to all work well, i am always amazed when i get the opportunity to see one beating. the compliment to God's handiwork at forming our son's heart was a kind one that holds a lot of meaning for me.
but whether the sonographer meant this to be a deeper compliment or not, it means much more to me than just the physical beauty of a well-made heart. it's no secret that i believe baby brooks to be a miraculous gift from God. all babies are, in my opinion, but brooks is God's gift to us. i have also made it apparent that i believe this miracle to be possible because of the physical healing God has brought about in my body. i still have two uteruses (uterii...whatever), but what has never worked before is working now and i can only attribute that to His hand. perhaps greater still is the work He has done in our hearts, healing pain and bitterness, anger and confusion and bringing joy and peace into our lives.
so when our sonographer said, "he has a beautiful heart" i immediately thought of brooks's soul, not just his physical heart. my next thought was "of course he does". our baby boy has had a beautiful heart since the day he was conceived. and as he grows, God is working in his heart physically and in his heart spiritually. i have been praying already for our son's spirit, his soul, his heart. i pray that he will be tenderhearted towards the things of God, that he will be kind and loving and eager to seek after the Lord. i have prayed that we will be good stewards of such a special gift, that God will give us the ability to love brooks as God loves us, that we will be able to show him God's love in the ways that we love him. i pray that when brooks asks about God, about heaven, about a relationship with Jesus, that we, his parents, will have the right words to say that will bring understanding to his beautiful heart.
i can hardly wait to meet our miracle, to see him and hold him and tell him how much he is loved. i can hardly wait to get to know his heart. his beautiful, beautiful heart.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
on the edge
our pastor preached today out of the book of numbers, chapters 13-14. i took one look at the scripture reference before the service and decided i wouldn't be paying much attention today. i mean, have you ever tried to read numbers? it's impossible. good thing i didn't choose my son's name out of there!
but somewhere in the midst of all those lists of people is a lesson that God used to catch my attention today. it's the story of the Israelites being in the desert just on the edge of the Promised Land. with God's direction, they send twelve spies to "scope out" Canaan to develop a strategy for how to take this land, the land they were promised by God. the spies come back and report not a strategy, but two opinions. ten of the spies took one look at the people living in Canaan, reported as being giants, and doubt and disdain set in deeply. to them, those giants were bigger than what God could do. only two of the men felt differently. they saw the same giants, but they believed that their God was bigger. hope and confidence were set into their hearts. they tried to persuade the Israelites, but the Israelites went with the majority, the popular vote. ultimately, the ten spies who made up the majority ended up dying; their children even suffered many years in the desert because of their disbelief.
so what's the lesson here for me? well, honestly, i've been in the doubting majority. even as a Christian, particularly through our pregnancy difficulties, i have believed as the majority do...i bought into the "God can't be bigger than this" mentality for a long time. no wonder i felt defeated, hopeless, afraid, and bitter for so long. i am so thankful that i serve a loving, healing, and patient God. He took my doubt, waited, and moment by moment, day by day, showed me that i didn't have to doubt.
i have entered a time in this pregnancy where my anxiety about what's to come has been taking over my emotions and my thoughts. the worry that i once felt for my son's physical well-being has turned to worries of not being able to be a good mother, and to not being able to keep up with the demands of parenting, working, and being a wife that my husband will actually want to be around. i am rearranging my house at a frantic pace (thanks to some muscles loaned to me by gigi and tida), trying to learn to coupon, and have spent a good deal of time crying over my new stretch marks.
all of this is pointless, and maybe you are laughing at me. that's ok...it's silly, really. do i need to try and be prepared? sure! but all this effort spent worrying, agonizing, over things that i can't really do anything about (not that i'm not trying...the cocoa butter business must be booming) isn't what God wants for me! He has shown me miracle after miracle, and yet i seem to think He can't handle teaching me to be a good mom? i doubt that He can provide for us financially? and that He can't come up with a few crates or bins to store legos and crayons in? seriously...i needed this lesson this morning. i needed a reminder to take a deep breath and to keep trusting. i needed that still, small voice to say, "it's ok...I've got this too."
those Israelites were on the very edge of the Promised Land; they could physically see it from the desert they were in. and still they doubted. i am no better. but i am trying to see this plan of His. i am trying to look through the fear (the fear that's from satan, by the way...bro. mark preached on spiritual warfare just a month or so ago...that's a whole other blog i need to write sometime). and i am choosing again today, to trust, to not doubt, to breathe, to say thank you. i am so blessed to feel these kicks in my tummy, to get to talk and sing to my child...
we are on the edge of something so beautiful, so precious, so miraculous. i will not doubt my God. He is bigger than any worry or fear i could ever have.
but somewhere in the midst of all those lists of people is a lesson that God used to catch my attention today. it's the story of the Israelites being in the desert just on the edge of the Promised Land. with God's direction, they send twelve spies to "scope out" Canaan to develop a strategy for how to take this land, the land they were promised by God. the spies come back and report not a strategy, but two opinions. ten of the spies took one look at the people living in Canaan, reported as being giants, and doubt and disdain set in deeply. to them, those giants were bigger than what God could do. only two of the men felt differently. they saw the same giants, but they believed that their God was bigger. hope and confidence were set into their hearts. they tried to persuade the Israelites, but the Israelites went with the majority, the popular vote. ultimately, the ten spies who made up the majority ended up dying; their children even suffered many years in the desert because of their disbelief.
so what's the lesson here for me? well, honestly, i've been in the doubting majority. even as a Christian, particularly through our pregnancy difficulties, i have believed as the majority do...i bought into the "God can't be bigger than this" mentality for a long time. no wonder i felt defeated, hopeless, afraid, and bitter for so long. i am so thankful that i serve a loving, healing, and patient God. He took my doubt, waited, and moment by moment, day by day, showed me that i didn't have to doubt.
i have entered a time in this pregnancy where my anxiety about what's to come has been taking over my emotions and my thoughts. the worry that i once felt for my son's physical well-being has turned to worries of not being able to be a good mother, and to not being able to keep up with the demands of parenting, working, and being a wife that my husband will actually want to be around. i am rearranging my house at a frantic pace (thanks to some muscles loaned to me by gigi and tida), trying to learn to coupon, and have spent a good deal of time crying over my new stretch marks.
all of this is pointless, and maybe you are laughing at me. that's ok...it's silly, really. do i need to try and be prepared? sure! but all this effort spent worrying, agonizing, over things that i can't really do anything about (not that i'm not trying...the cocoa butter business must be booming) isn't what God wants for me! He has shown me miracle after miracle, and yet i seem to think He can't handle teaching me to be a good mom? i doubt that He can provide for us financially? and that He can't come up with a few crates or bins to store legos and crayons in? seriously...i needed this lesson this morning. i needed a reminder to take a deep breath and to keep trusting. i needed that still, small voice to say, "it's ok...I've got this too."
those Israelites were on the very edge of the Promised Land; they could physically see it from the desert they were in. and still they doubted. i am no better. but i am trying to see this plan of His. i am trying to look through the fear (the fear that's from satan, by the way...bro. mark preached on spiritual warfare just a month or so ago...that's a whole other blog i need to write sometime). and i am choosing again today, to trust, to not doubt, to breathe, to say thank you. i am so blessed to feel these kicks in my tummy, to get to talk and sing to my child...
we are on the edge of something so beautiful, so precious, so miraculous. i will not doubt my God. He is bigger than any worry or fear i could ever have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)