so far...

it's been almost two weeks since our sweet brooks came screaming into the world. they say having a baby changes your life. they are right.

sure, there's the "up all night", the feedings, the diapers, the crying...that's a given. then there's all the things they don't tell you (i can't tell you here...it would break the code of silence). and then there are the changes that happen to your heart.

i would die for this little person. no questions asked. no hesitation. and i am pretty sure i could kill a wild animal with my bare hands if necessary to protect him. he eats, poops, sleeps, cries, and looks at me with those huge eyes...and my heart and life have been forever changed. i have been surprised and impressed by the intensity of my love for him. i'm not sure i can even describe it, really. but it's been somewhat overwhelming...in a great way, but something i am having to adjust to. i thought i felt such a huge amount of love for him when i was carrying him in my belly, and i did, but now that he's here...i just can't put it into words.

this little boy is exactly what we prayed and longed for. our family feels so complete. it's funny...we never asked God for anyone specific. we didn't ask for dark hair (well, i kinda asked for him to look like my sweet husband...), we didn't specify a boy or girl, we didn't ask for a particular personality, eye color, whose nose he would have. honestly, we didn't know to. but God knew. He gave us exactly what our hearts wanted, abundantly and extravagantly, beyond what we even knew to ask for. he is perfect and he is perfect for our family.

in retrospect, the long road here seems traumatic to me. at the time, it was scary. we were scared for thirty-eight long weeks and two days. and then experiencing the emergent c-section...that was terrifying. i felt so helpless, unable to move, unable to do anything to save our baby. even now that it's all over, i am having a hard time dealing with all we have been through. it scares me still. and yet, God is using that to continue teaching me things. He is not a God of fear. He has shown me that time and time again, but satan uses fear as a way to rob us of the joys God has for us. not this time, satan. my son is one of the biggest blessings of my life (second only to my salvation and my husband) and fear is not going to keep me from enjoying every second of our lives together. His provision has allowed us these blessings, and His hands are ever present in brooks's life and in ours. there is no reason to fear the past or the present. i believe that...just have to pray for the courage and strength to live it.

motherhood is amazing. i don't quite have it all down yet, but my sweet child is patient with me and my husband is a wealth of knowledge (who knew?!) and together we are figuring it out. i feel so blessed, so happy. merry christmas to us.

and what a day it was

this is our brooks.

he was born on 12/13/11 at 8:50 am and weighed 5lbs, 5oz. he was 17 3/4 in. long.

i will never forget this day, not a single minute of it.

our planned c-section turned into yet another time for God to show me that He is God.

the medical team had just given me my epidural and started the medicine that would allow me to be numb but awake for the birth of my son. a few minutes into the numbing, my worst nightmare began happening before my eyes. my little boy's heart rate dropped dramatically as the medicine they were giving me caused my blood pressure to decrease, preventing him from getting the bloodflow he had come to rely upon. as reassuring nurses began making frantic phone calls, they rushed to finish prepping me for the surgery. it is only by the grace of God that i was numb enough to avoid needing general anesthesia. i am told there were people running down the hospital halls, trying to get to us quickly. as i laid there on the operating room table, staring at the ceiling, with tears rolling down my face, i begged God for one more miracle. i heard myself saying out loud, "You can't do this to me, this can't happen." my heart was terrified as i could see that my little boy wasn't improving on the monitors, and all i could pray was that God would spare us one more time, that He would allow us this precious baby. my husband was brought in quickly. he too was praying as he tried to reassure me that God had it under control. the surgeon rushed in, quickly made my incision, and had my little one out in two minutes. there was an agonizing few minutes that followed while they gave brooks oxygen and a few breaths to stimulate his little body to recover.

they say that hearing your baby cry for the first time is life changing. that is the largest understatement i have ever heard. my tears of fear, grief, and pleading turned to sobs of pure joy, gratitude, relief, and happiness as brooks cried his first loud cry that told me everything was ok. jeremy and i shared some very sweet moments as we waited to get to see him. he was summoned over to the bassinet to meet his son and i heard him cry, "he's beautiful!".  shortly after he brought our son over to meet me, his mother. we thanked our Lord for further proof of His hand in our lives as a family.

our journey has just begun. thank you Father. thank you more than i could ever express.

to brooks: part three

today is the day.

it's your birthday!

we have hardly slept a wink and in less than four hours, we will be holding you in our arms (at least, that's the current plan...). i can hardly believe this day is really here. after all the worries, all the false alarms, all the uncomfortable days...we really get to meet you today.

again, i am overwhelmed by God's goodness, His provision, His sovereignty, His blessing. we have done nothing to deserve the gift that is you, but in His love and kindess, He has seen fit to bless us anyway and we are so thankful.

because you are coming around Christmastime, i have thought a lot about what mary must have been thinking and feeling near the time that Jesus was born. i don't mean to imply that our journey is akin to that of the woman who was chosen to bear God's only Son...but just as mothers, i wonder how our thoughts would intersect. we know from the Bible that she was afraid. she was concerned about her circumstances. she and joseph weren't married at the time, so that made things difficult. they had so far to travel, both emotionally and physically, to get to where God wanted them. and they made that entire journey on faith alone, after hearing from an angel.

i'd like to say we've been that faithful, but it simply isn't true. we have doubted and questioned. even this morning, as i was walking rookie and tucker, i was praying out loud, asking God to help me with my fears, my anxiety. the birth of Jesus was surrounded by God's glory, His birth and life a perfect testimony to the plan of the Father. you won't be a perfect child (although i bet you'll be pretty darn close) and we won't be perfect parents...but my prayer today for you on your birthday is that your birth will bring glory to God. this journey, our story of how we got to you, is full of miracle and wonder and amazement, and i pray that we get to tell it over and over again so that others will know of the power of our God. i pray that your life will be full of blessing, that you will walk in His ways from an early age, and that we, as a family, will live in a way that shows the glory of God and our love for Him.

it's a beautiful day to come into the world. thirteen is your dad's lucky baseball number (if there is such a thing). it's crisp and cold outside and we should all be home for Christmas. your whole family will be there this morning, Gram and Papa Dale, aunt Liz, Grandaddy and Nana, Gigi and Poppa (they are probably already there, waiting on us), aunt Tida and uncle Mark and Scarlet, Lily, and Luke, Mama and maybe Meme and Pa. they are all so excited to meet you and there will be many more friends and loved ones coming through the next days and weeks to see you...a little like the journey of the wise men to bethlehem to see baby Jesus (maybe we'll even get some myrrh out of it!).

we are so excited. we are so thankful. you, baby boy, are so very loved and wanted. i hope we remember every second of today. i hope it goes by slowly so we can keep up. welcome to the world little one. welcome to our family. we love you.

see you really soon!!!!
love always, mom and dad

to brooks: part two

ok little one...apparently you are done in the middle but still need to brown a little on the top...because you are still in my belly!!

we have been to the hospital three times since i  last wrote you. yes, three times. once for high blood pressure that didn't stay high. once because i couldn't feel you kicking, got scared to death, and then felt you like crazy the second we got there and were told all was fine. and once today as a follow up to the first time. all three times, you were hanging out, looking perfect, snug as a bug in a rug in my tummy.

and so, we wait. i'd like to think that by the time you are old enough to read this, i will have developed into a person who is really patient and good at waiting. somehow, i doubt this is true, but it would be nice. i am not currently very patient. your dad has had his hands full dealing with my ever-fluctuating emotions and rushing me to and from the hospital these last three days. we were comical the first day...we showed up with an entourage of all of our family. everyone was so excited thinking we were finally going to get to see you! but apparently, that is not quite God's plan just yet.

and that's ok. we have prayed from the beginning that you would be healthy and that He would keep you inside of me as long as possible to make sure that you would be safe when you come out. obviously, He is actively answering that prayer. we are selfish and want you out sooner, but His plan is always best (remember that one...it's always true), and even in light of our new pleas (that sound something like "let him out, please!!!!"), our God continues to be faithful in doing what is best for you, what is best for us, and what will bring Him the most glory. the current plan is to probably get to see you on december 19, and the next eight days will be long and hard for us as God develops our patience.

know this, little brooks. you continue to be worth the wait. and we will wait as long as we have to. all we want is to hold healthy, sweet little you in our arms. whenever that happens, it happens, and we'll all be just fine until then. we love you sweet boy. see you soon (ish...)!

love, mom and dad

to brooks

today is the day before we might finally get to meet you. it's just a regular thursday. i am supposed to be working (but i'm not...still in my pajamas actually...). your dad's at work (i think he made it on time this morning! no small thing...). rookie and tucker are running around barking their heads off (if you have any odd memories of loud noises from the womb, they would be the culprits). it's cold outside, but the sun is out today so all the spruce trees around our yard are frosty and pretty with a layer of fog rolling around behind them. i have the fireplace on and it's nice and cozy inside. it's almost christmas, so the tree is up, your stocking is full of goodies, rudolph's christmas town is out in full force, and the nativity is backlit the way your dad likes it. there are colored lights on the mailbox and rosebush as well as on the tree by the door. we even have a little tree in your room, just waiting for you to come home to.

years from now, if you ever read about all the days leading up to you, i want you to know what today was like for us. God may decide to keep you in my tummy a little longer, but if not, then you will be here tomorrow. it's a miracle that you've stayed in there as long as you have. some doctors told us not to try to have a baby. then we had two miscarriages. we started trying to adopt, thinking that we would never be able to carry a child ourselves.

and then there was you.

we found out in april 2011 that we were pregnant with you. since then, we've had lots of tests, lots of ultrasounds, and through lots of prayers God has proven all the doctors wrong. you are healthy, you are strong, you have a great head of hair (from what we can tell), and you are perfectly made in the image of Christ. your dad and i have had to work on having faith in God's plan, as not every day has been easy. there have been days we thought you might not make it, days we worried we might never get to see you. but our God has been so faithful and has "supplied our every need" just like He talks about in His word. through our experience of being pregnant with you, He has shown us grace, mercy, and compassion beyond anything we even asked for. He has blessed our hearts and lives tremendously just by allowing us to be your parents.

you, son, are so very loved. we don't know what you're going to look like. we don't know how tall you'll be, if you'll be good at sports or school or piano or basket weaving. we don't know if you'll be fiesty, easygoing, or somewhere in between. frankly, we don't care. we love you. we love you more than i could ever express in words...it's something your dad and i both felt and knew the instant we knew we had you in my tummy. you are our beautiful and precious gift from God, and there is nothing on this earth that could ever make us not love you.

even better than that, though, is that Jesus loves you. hopefully, this isn't the first time you've heard that, but i want to make sure you understand. He has given you a life here, with us, because He wants to have a relationship with you. He is a better Father than even your awesome dad could ever be. He knows you inside and out because He created you. He knows your good moments, your bad ones, and all the ones in between...and He loves you no matter what. i hope by the time you read this that you have a relationship with Him, one in which you've experienced the ways His love can make a difference in your life. if not, then know that we are praying for you to come to know Him and that He longs to love on you the way that only He can.

we are so excited to meet you tomorrow. we have dreamed of that moment, prayed for the chance to have our sweet baby boy in our arms, to hear your cry and to see your face. i doubt we'll be able to sleep tonight...and you probably won't let us sleep much for a while, but that's ok. no matter what happens tomorrow or in the coming years, know that you are worth it. every second we have had with you, every moment we will get with you in the future...you have been worth the wait little one. we don't understand everything that happened before you came to be, but all of it led up to you, and that makes it all ok. God's plan is beautiful like that...it doesn't always make sense to us, but when we rest in it, it turns the pain and the confusion into something beautiful and perfect. you are the beautiful and the perfect. our miracle baby. our blessing that makes our cup overflow.

we can't wait to meet you tomorrow, brooks. in case you get confused, we'll be the ones crying and laughing and maybe passing out on the floor. we'll be the ones you call mom and dad. we'll be your parents. and we will be the most blessed people in the world. 1 Peter 3:7 says that we are "heirs together of the grace of life". though we don't deserve it, we are all heirs together, all three of us, of the grace of life that Christ gives. our lives, your life...it's all a gift from Him.

thank you Lord, for our brooks. watch over him tomorrow, bring him safely into this world. protect him. set him apart for You. equip us to love him perfectly. hold us together as only You can. we love him, Lord, and we love You. thank You for Your blessings, for miracle after miracle. thank You for brooks. thank You for our son.

we love you sweet boy. see you tomorrow!
love always, mom and dad

tomorrow??!!

i don't have anything profound to say. nothing fancy. no lifechanging revelations to share.

but we might be having our brooks tomorrow.

holy.
freaking.
heck.

i can't even form words beyond that. so excited. so nervous. so thankful. so excited (did i mention that?). if things look better than we expect tomorrow, we'll check again on monday and you can read this blog over again on sunday night. if we haven't had him by then, i'll try to come up with something a little more eloquent.

until then...please keep us in your prayers. our little guy is still really little (just over 5 lbs) and running out of amniotic fluid (thus the reason he may be making his entrance tomorrow). please pray for his lungs, that they will be strong (we got to see him practice breathing in utero yesterday...very cool). pray for his brain, that it will be developed appropriately. pray for his little body and his beautiful heart, that he will be perfectly equipped for what God has for him in his life with us. and pray for his unprepared, scared to death, about to lose it with excitement and hopefulness parents (that's us...). we have waited for what feels like so long (ok, now i'm getting emotional and wordy...). we have prayed and begged God for this exceptional miracle. the thought of finally holding him, seeing him, hearing him cry is beyond what our imagination can even manage to imagine. i haven't loved being pregnant, but i have loved every second of carrying this boy, this miraculous, beautiful child. the bond we feel and the amount of love both jeremy and i have for brooks is incredible, particularly given the fact that we've never even met him. that God works in a parent's heart like that is one of my favorite God things...that was a good idea He had...

many of you ask us regularly, "how's our boy doing?" or "when is our baby coming?" then you laugh and apologize and rephrase to say "your boy" or "your baby". it's ok. we get it. even those of you not related to us do it, and it always makes me smile. you have all prayed us up to and through these coming days; we couldn't have made it without you. you love us, you love our baby, and we hope that seeing God work in our lives has blessed you the way that you have blessed us. don't stop praying for us. we're going to need it now more than ever. brooks is going to need you in his life, helping shape the person he is meant to be.

we can hardly wait for you to meet him. and it just might be tomorrow!
we love you all.

old story, fresh conviction

i wish i could take credit for this post. a friend recommended the book One Thousand Gifts by ann voskamp. i haven't started it yet, but ann's website and blogging have already begun blessing me. this is from her work, entitled "a Holy experience". may it touch you the way it has me.

When they ask for a story, I pull up blankets and cover them with words.

I pluck words out of thin air, the only way any story comes — the way the Word came.

Something from nothing, a gift handed down.

“Once upon a time…”

This will be one of those stories—  a possibility.

“Once upon a time, there was a baby.”

“Was I the baby? Is this about me?” Shalom sits up on her side of the bed, animated, pats my cheek in the shadows.

“No.” Not you as a baby, I say. “But this is a story about you.” About all of us, about our coming to.

I turn towards the window. The front porch light casts long shadows out across the lawn, out toward the woods. Snow’s falling.

Sky letting go of her down in the dark to blanket all the fields.

“Once upon a time there was a baby. And the baby was born into a family who was very lost. Lost in a spinning, dizzy world.” Shalom curls into me.

“And instead of journeying in the direction headed toward home, the family all stumbled and fumbled around, tripping over each other and grabbing at things found on the road, all these things. But things never help you find your way home.”

The moon gives away her light, soft white laying out across us too.

“The longer that they were lost, the hungrier they became.” Hope reaches over, lays her empty hand in mine.

“Brothers hid what food they found from their sister. Sisters hoarded what food they had and ate with backs turned so their brothers wouldn’t see. The family forgot that they were a family. They forgot they were one. They forgot they were all connected to each other, and when one ached, they all hurt — hurt in ways they didn’t even know.”

“But what about the baby?” Shalom squeezes my arm. “Was the baby hungry too?”

“Ah, no, the baby was not hungry. Because the baby was the one who gave away.” I’m turned toward the window.

The baby had given up the vaults of heaven to be born in the valley of a feed trough. The baby had made its bed the cradle, was the manger for the animals, the place where all the ones wandering in the fields came to be fed.

Born in Bethlehem, the town with the name that means house of bread, the baby came to feed all the lost ones. And we only have what we give away and all our hungry places are only fed by how we make our lives bread.

“But Mama —” She uses her hand to turn my face toward her and she says it so close I can feel it. “How does a baby feed anyone?” 

I don’t know if I’m still breathing.

Does she know who the Baby is?

“The baby fed the world because He made his life bread. He gave Himself away.” That’s what I whisper into the dark.

He gave up the heavens who were not even large enough to contain Him and let Himself be held in a hand.

He forsook the boundlessness of space and confined Himself to skin and He gave up the starfields and took on shape and wore the bones.

He gave up the River of the water of Life that flows from His Throne Room to float the nine months on the amniotic waters. And He who carved the edges of the Cosmos, He curved Himself into a fetal ball in the dark, tethered Himself to the uterine wall of a virgin, and let His cells divide, light all splitting white.

The mystery so large becomes the baby so small and infinite God becomes infant.

The Spirit took on shape and took the nails and took our sins and made Himself bread that all the empty ones could fill on the Bread of Life.
“The story of Christmas is about a baby who came for the greatest give-away ever.”

This is what I tell my daughters laying there in the dark, looking up at stars.

Love that gave — but not to those who loved Him.

Love that gave — but not to those who could give back.

Love that gave  — to those who were the poor, the bankrupt, the enemies.

Love that gave to the thief who stole instead of waiting to receive… the thief who grasped instead of longing to give.

Love that gave to me.

Hope’s breathing softly, but so awake.

“And I don’t know… ” I am telling the story now to me.  Why is the world hungry when God’s people have bread? Are bread? What is there more to be in this life than to be bread for another man?”

My own selfishness makes me hurt.

“I think that’s what we should call Christmas from now on…” Hope’s turned to the window now, out toward the world:

“Let’s rename Christmas — The Great Give-Away.”

“Isn’t that why the baby came? For God so loved, He gave… ”

What if the Christmas Story became the Great Give-Away — in honor of the baby who gave it all?

The three of us lay looking out at the fields.

This story has possibility….

The sky , it’s giving away her white warmth for all the world.

looking back

i have been reading some of my first few posts. it's funny looking back, knowing where i was emotionally at the time, watching the transition. i can see where i started this blog just for fun, how God started working in my life, and how writing became an outlet for me to express my feelings. i talk about my sadness. i talk about the things He teaches me. i talk about my husband and family. and gradually, as i read through the months, i can see how He worked His perfect plan. there are months i didn't write much; i remember being in such a dark place that i couldn't even bear to try to put words to the emotions. there are other times i write about "fluff", the silly parts of life that make me laugh. i think part of this was me trying to cope, some of it is just happiness, and a little bit of it was me avoiding the lessons God had for me. and then there are the lengthy posts, the ones where God showed me a part of Himself and His love for me that i had never seen before...i was so taken that i couldn't stop writing. all of it is just a reflection of me and what God is doing in my life.

peanut butter and tears

our son will be here in a matter of weeks. that completely and totally blows my mind. i find myself alternately laughing and crying with the emotion of it all. it's quite overwhelming, and not just because i am scared to death to be responsible for this tiny little boy inside of me.

God's goodness overwhelms me. "thankful" doesn't even begin to convey what i feel...so the tears and laughter overflow in place of words. when i think about the ways God has dealt with my heart over the last several years, i am overtaken by the power of the grace He has shown. there have been times i was untrusting, times i was living in opposition to His holiness, and times i have been angry and sinful. through some of these times, He has "jerked a knot in my tail", as my mother would say. He has used others in my life, used circumstances and scripture, to grab my attention in a way that wouldn't let me continue to be disobedient. those times were painful and necessary, and i am so thankful that God called me out and helped me see that my way was the wrong way.

other times, He has dealt with me more gently. when my heart has been fragile, when i was seeking forgiveness and reassurance, when i was crying out for the heavenly Father i knew i so desperately needed, He was kind and loving and ready with arms outstretched. when my world was collapsing in on me, when i couldn't see His plan, when the sadness overwhelmed me, He was tender and continued to seek my heart, never giving up.

through all of my life, He has pursued me with a passion that i still don't fully realize. He pursues each of us this way, whether we know it or not. He longs for us to understand His love for us, in times of pain and in times of joy. and He will do whatever it takes to get our attention. just like any other parent, this sometimes involves discipline. other times, i think He sits back and just enjoys watching us marvel at the blessings He provides.

i'm sure i will require more discipline as i walk through this life. but right now, i am fully immersed in the marvel stage. i am so thankful for His mercy, for His grace, for His deliverance from the pain and sadness, for being rescued from the crippling fear. i am in awe of what He has done to win my heart; He sent His only Son to die for me on the cross, to take the punishment for sin that i so deserve. and even when i have spit in the face of that amazing gift, He has continued to love me unwaveringly. He has even gone so far as to forgive me, over and over. and He has somehow seen fit to bless me unbelievably. this baby i will soon meet, our little brooks...i will never understand how he has come to be, how i have been allowed to be his mother, how God has chosen to heal what everyone said would never work. none of it makes sense. and yet all of it is a part of His plan for my life. the magnitude of the gift of this child i carry is more than my mind can comprehend. but i am thankful beyond words.

and so i sit and cry on my couch. i laugh as i take a shower. and i cry over my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. i just can't believe He loves me this much. but He does. and He loves you that much too.

from a thankful heart

i don't know how it is You looked at me
and saw the person that i could be
awakening my heart, breaking through the dark
suddenly Your grace

like sunlight burning at midnight
making my life something so beautiful, beautiful
mercy reaching to save me, all that i need
You are so beautiful, beautiful

---francesca battistelli---

with God, nothing is impossible

our baby boy is growing. every day we get closer and closer to what so many said was impossible: a healthy, normal baby. i remember so clearly the day we were told that not having children was something we should "think about". i remember being told that there was a 100% chance our baby would be severely premature ("we might be able to get you to 28 weeks"). i remember telling myself that i was ok with never being able to conceive. and later, i remember asking God to please allow us to conceive and carry a child. after today's ultrasound, jeremy said, "it's hard to believe that after all of this we are going to have a healthy, normal baby." i feel the same way. it's so hard to believe it's happening.

but that's exactly what we and so many others have prayed for. and so far, that's exactly what God is giving us. imagine that...praying for God's will and seeing it happen before your very eyes. it's so amazing to watch it unfold. this has been a long pregnancy, but we have been blessed to see God's plan and His work unfold slowly, week by week. some weeks we have questioned Him; others we have boldly declared our trust in His goodness. every second of this precious child's life has been a gift to us, and we continue to ask Him for more. more time with brooks and with each other. we're not being greedy; but we are praying for even more of the goodness God has shown us, for even more of His blessings. we want everything He has prepared for us, and God's word says to ask for all of it.

it's hard to believe, but it's true. our little boy is healthy. our hearts are overflowing. please continue to pray for God's hand in all three of our lives.

big prayers

"everything looks normal".

after the doctor said this, we blinked. there was silence. she smiled. we smiled. i cried.

we weren't expecting normal. after all my talk of trusting God, praying for what our hearts desire, asking for His hand in our lives, i still wasn't expecting normal. i had prayed for it (sort of, timidly, in a doubtful kind of way...), and there is no doubt that it is my heart's desire for a normal, healthy baby. but i hadn't expected it.

and yet, God gave us more than what we expected. again. it amazes me every time.

over lunch with my mother-in-law, amid giddy grins and giggles at the blessing we have been given, i admitted that i hadn't prayed "big enough". she smiled at me and said, "i did!" we have received cards from prayer rooms in churches we don't attend, emails from people we barely know, texts full of God's promises through scripture from our life group teacher, and countless hugs, phone calls, and encouragement from people all saying the same thing: our God is great and we are praying for His great hand in the life of your precious son and in your hearts. i have never fully understood the whole "power of prayer" line; i do now. these prayers, these people, we feel it every day. and not just because God is blessing us. prayer is making a difference in our day-to-day lives, even on the tough days, especially on the tough days. we feel covered in God's love, His grace, and we know that He continues to work a mighty, mighty plan in our lives and in my body. it is so far beyond anything that we dared to hope for, so much better than anything we could have dreamed for ourselves, so miraculous and so beyond our control.

i am trying to remember to pray big. God expects it! it takes trust to pray big, something that doesn't come easily for me. i am so thankful that the people in our lives have the courage to pray big, that they are selfless enough to intercede to God on our behalf, and that He is blessing their faithfulness by showing up in our lives in an huge way.

i believe in the power of prayer. i believe in it because i have come to better know and understand the One to whom we pray. He is Almighty, Everlasting, my Prince of Peace and my Shelter in the storms. He hears us when we call and loves us more than we could ever imagine. there is none more powerful, none more praiseworthy, and none other to whom i will ever pray.

those crazy in-laws

i have a great family. they understand me (usually) and love me unconditionally. it's rare to find that with in-laws. stereotypically, they are awful. the beast of a mother-in-law, the cranky sister-in-law, the bratty kids, and let's not forget the crazy, gruff, and unlovable father-in-law.

lest i make them gasp any louder, let me say that these descriptions do not apply to my in-laws. don't get me wrong...we have had our moments...but God has blessed me by allowing me to be a part of this family and i am thankful for their love and friendship.

recently, God blessed me specifically through them. it's rare that i leave an interaction with our nieces and nephew feeling anything other than happy and loved, but friday evening was a rare glimpse into their hearts, into the people they will turn out to be and into the hearts of those who have raised them to be that way.

it started with a birthday party. there was taco salad and a tiny slice of spider man cake for me (delicious!). as usual, uncle jj performed magic tricks (which lily and luke loved and which caused skeptical little scarlet to turn up her nose), presents were opened, and after spider man had climbed onto his new fire truck, everyone began heading for home. since i had nothing better to do, i decided to hang out for a while and propped my hugely swollen feet up on the couch.

instantly, my brother-in-law, mark, and sister-in-law, tara, made faces of pain mixed with sadness. and then i realized they were looking at my feet. i jokingly suggested that perhaps one of them wanted to rub my feet (you have to understand...i do not have feet that smell like roses...). the first one to jump at that wonderful opportunity was tara. she sat right down, put my feet in her lap, and began in kindness what turned out to be an hour and a half foot massage. yes...an hour and a half. for free. it was amazing. mark made lots of sympathetic comments along the way, encouraging tara to continue massaging the swelling out of my feet. she finally stopped only when she said she could feel my bones again. i will never be able to repay such selflessness.

during all of this fantastic foot-rubbing, the kids took over the massaging of my heart. we have a big ultrasound tomorrow and this week has been tough for us emotionally. i was glad to be at their house, but wasn't feeling especially cheery or happy. all three kids started their care for me by showering my huge belly with loving pats, little kisses, and lots of conversation with brooks. they told him how much they loved him, they asked about his growth and where he was in my belly, they asked about what he's doing in there. we laughed as i struggled to come up with answers to questions i ask regularly. luke, the youngest, alternately played with his new toys and hugged my belly while lily, the middle child, made a nest at my side, talked sweetly to brooks, and patted my hand during my foot massage.

scarlet, the oldest, not to be outdone by her mother, shared with me that head massage was her specialty. i, of course, requested a demonstration, and while she brushed my hair and scratched my head she started asking me questions. she started with, "what did you do as a child?" i had to ask for clarification, which she gave, saying that she was trying to "get to know her ancestors". this cracked me up and after i explained that i was not an ancestor (ancestors are dead...this was my reasoning...), we started chatting about my childhood. she wanted to know what i did in school, what games i played with my sister, what i did to get in trouble, how my parents acted, and what books i liked to read. this went on for about 30 minutes, and afterward she looked me in the eyes and said so sincerely, "thank you aunt jenn. i am so glad i was able to get to know you better." as i was leaving she said, "i sure will miss you."

i got in my car feeling much less swollen and lighter in spirit. these people made me feel loved, cared for, and beyond special. i will always remember that night, and i will tell brooks about how aunt tida, uncle mark, and his three crazy cousins spent time loving him before he was even born. God has blessed me through all of my husband's sweet family, but this was a special time of healing for me, one that i am thankful i took the time to enjoy.

our God is greater

when we were going through fertility treatments and dealing with the loss of our two previous babies, there were lots of trips to the doctor's office. they were always so hard for me, as i anticipated the bad news that i had been told was likely coming. even now, when we have had so much good news, so much to praise Him for, those rides to the doctor's office are still difficult for me. satan gets in my mind during those times and i can pretty easily work myself into tears in a short amount of time.

jeremy does a great job of helping me focus on the Lord, reminding me of all the things He has done in our lives, holding me closely and calming me down. sometimes, we meet at the office and my time in the car is spent alone; these are my hardest times, when i am alone with my thoughts. the perfect song played at the perfect time by those blessed folks in Christian music always blesses my heart. almost every trip, the song "our God is greater" by chris tomlin has been played. eventually, i got the point. now, i sing it even if it's not on. sometimes, i tell satan (out loud) to get out of my car; i remind him that i am a child of the King and that he has no place in my life. i believe he is real and we have the ability through the power of Christ to command him to leave us alone.

the words to that song come to mind today again, not because i am struggling today (although the day isn't over), but because yesterday marked a milestone in the life of our precious son. he is 28 weeks old. when we first started talking with doctors five or six years ago about conceiving a child, they told us we would be lucky to make it to 28 weeks, lucky to have a healthy baby, lucky to have one that wouldn't be in the hospital for weeks or even months. we seriously considered never trying to conceive, our concerns many that we might make a selfish decision that would cause our child to have a poor quality of life. if you know our story, you know that through years of prayer, we started the process of adoption, but never made a conscious decision to avoid conception. this was a difficult decision, but was one that we felt unmistakenly called to. we pursued both avenues, knowing the Lord would provide in whatever way would bring us the most good and Him the most glory.

these last six months of being pregnant with brooks have been hard, confusing, uncomfortable, and full of questions. they have been the best six months of our lives. we love him so much and feel so blessed to be his parents. we don't know all that lies ahead, but we do know this:

our God is greater
our God is stronger, higher than any other
our God is Healer, awesome in power
and if our God is for us, then who could ever be against us?
 (the answer is no one!)

i'm not sure why i am surprised that we're at 28 weeks. my prayers are for as many days as He'll give us, for as many as it takes for brooks to be all that He has made him to be. my prayers are for patience, for trust, for forgiveness when i doubt, and for a strong grip on my ever-wavering and fragile heart. each day, each hour, each minute that we have with brooks is an answer to those prayers. he is our beautiful gift from God, one that we do not deserve, but that we want and thank Him for with all of our hearts. He shows us each day that He is greater. our God is greater.

and still we trust

our little brooks is a little...well...little. he's not growing as much as he should be and the doctors don't really know why. our hearts and heads are reeling from the possibility that we may end up seeing brooks sooner rather than later. please pray with us that he will continue to grow and catch up to where he is supposed to be. pray for God's will in his life and for His hands on his little body. pray for our hearts as we anxiously await another ultrasound in a few weeks. we are preparing ourselves for the possibility that he may be born at 30 weeks if his growth does not increase, but are continuing to cling to the miraculous hands of God as we remember that He is bigger than all of this.

we are scared. we are worried. but we are choosing to trust in our heavenly Father. we know He is working His incredible plan in our lives and in the life of our precious son. we are thankful for each and every day that we get to feel brooks kicking in my belly, and we wait with impatient breath to see what the Lord has in store for all of us.

the snoogle

i have the most amazing husband. he bought me a snoogle.

"a what?" you say? a snoogle! according to the package, it's the "mother of all pregnancy pillows" and i couldn't agree more. it's kind of a cross between a friendly snake, a fluffy pillow, and a giant letter "c", all rolled into one fantastic package. he surprised me with it yesterday. i think perhaps i am keeping him awake at night with all my tossing and turning and getting up and down to pee, get something to drink, have a snack, see how much longer i have to sleep before my alarm goes off, make the feeling come back into my numb arms, etc. oh, and apparently i am a more noisy breather now that i used to be.

so perhaps the snoogle was for his own sanity....hmmm....nope, i think it was for me. it fits perfectly under my every-growing belly and makes me feel like i am sleeping in a not-too-tight cocoon. the dogs even like it; rookie "snoogled" right up to the back of it and i even caught tucker making a little nest in the middle of it.

it's pretty great. and it wasn't cheap, but i think it was worth the moolah. now, maybe i need to invest in some earplugs for him, some breathe-right strips for me, and a mini-fridge to keep in the bedroom....yes....that sounds about right!

a beautiful heart

we got to see our little boy today. he was moving a ton (thanks to a little coca-cola i had at lunch) and even showed out a little bit for us by sucking his thumb. it was precious.

as the sonographer was checking everything out on the ultrasound, she zoomed in on his heart. we have known since the last ultrasound that his little heart was normal and functioning properly; it was one of the first things i asked about at the last ultrasound. before we could even ask why she was looking so closely at his heart this time, she said, "this is a beautiful heart. he has a beautiful heart."

as a nurse who has taken care of many children with congenital heart defects, i was worried about our baby's heart from the beginning. as a nurse who now takes care of matching "beautiful hearts" to the perfect recipient through transplant, i understand the medical and physical beauty of a heart that functions perfectly. there is such incredible detail involved in all the pieces of the body, but particularly with the heart, with all of its intricate muscle fibers, electrical system, and the amount of plumbing required for it to all work well, i am always amazed when i get the opportunity to see one beating. the compliment to God's handiwork at forming our son's heart was a kind one that holds a lot of meaning for me.

but whether the sonographer meant this to be a deeper compliment or not, it means much more to me than just the physical beauty of a well-made heart. it's no secret that i believe baby brooks to be a miraculous gift from God. all babies are, in my opinion, but brooks is God's gift to us. i have also made it apparent that i believe this miracle to be possible because of the physical healing God has brought about in my body. i still have two uteruses (uterii...whatever), but what has never worked before is working now and i can only attribute that to His hand. perhaps greater still is the work He has done in our hearts, healing pain and bitterness, anger and confusion and bringing joy and peace into our lives.

so when our sonographer said, "he has a beautiful heart" i immediately thought of brooks's soul, not just his physical heart. my next thought was "of course he does". our baby boy has had a beautiful heart since the day he was conceived. and as he grows, God is working in his heart physically and in his heart spiritually. i have been praying already for our son's spirit, his soul, his heart. i pray that he will be tenderhearted towards the things of God, that he will be kind and loving and eager to seek after the Lord. i have prayed that we will be good stewards of such a special gift, that God will give us the ability to love brooks as God loves us, that we will be able to show him God's love in the ways that we love him. i pray that when brooks asks about God, about heaven, about a relationship with Jesus, that we, his parents, will have the right words to say that will bring understanding to his beautiful heart.

i can hardly wait to meet our miracle, to see him and hold him and tell him how much he is loved. i can hardly wait to get to know his heart. his beautiful, beautiful heart.

on the edge

our pastor preached today out of the book of numbers, chapters 13-14. i took one look at the scripture reference before the service and decided i wouldn't be paying much attention today. i mean, have you ever tried to read numbers? it's impossible. good thing i didn't choose my son's name out of there!

but somewhere in the midst of all those lists of people is a lesson that God used to catch my attention today. it's the story of the Israelites being in the desert just on the edge of the Promised Land. with God's direction, they send twelve spies to "scope out" Canaan to develop a strategy for how to take this land, the land they were promised by God. the spies come back and report not a strategy, but two opinions. ten of the spies took one look at the people living in Canaan, reported as being giants, and doubt and disdain set in deeply. to them, those giants were bigger than what God could do. only two of the men felt differently. they saw the same giants, but they believed that their God was bigger. hope and confidence were set into their hearts. they tried to persuade the Israelites, but the Israelites went with the majority, the popular vote. ultimately, the ten spies who made up the majority ended up dying; their children even suffered many years in the desert because of their disbelief.

so what's the lesson here for me? well, honestly, i've been in the doubting majority. even as a Christian, particularly through our pregnancy difficulties, i have believed as the majority do...i bought into the "God can't be bigger than this" mentality for a long time. no wonder i felt defeated, hopeless, afraid, and bitter for so long. i am so thankful that i serve a loving, healing, and patient God. He took my doubt, waited, and moment by moment, day by day, showed me that i didn't have to doubt.

i have entered a time in this pregnancy where my anxiety about what's to come has been taking over my emotions and my thoughts. the worry that i once felt for my son's physical well-being has turned to worries of not being able to be a good mother, and to not being able to keep up with the demands of parenting, working, and being a wife that my husband will actually want to be around. i am rearranging my house at a frantic pace (thanks to some muscles loaned to me by gigi and tida), trying to learn to coupon, and have spent a good deal of time crying over my new stretch marks.

all of this is pointless, and maybe you are laughing at me.  that's ok...it's silly, really. do i need to try and be prepared? sure! but all this effort spent worrying, agonizing, over things that i can't really do anything about (not that i'm not trying...the cocoa butter business must be booming) isn't what God wants for me! He has shown me miracle after miracle, and yet i seem to think He can't handle teaching me to be a good mom? i doubt that He can provide for us financially? and that He can't come up with a few crates or bins to store legos and crayons in? seriously...i needed this lesson this morning. i needed a reminder to take a deep breath and to keep trusting. i needed that still, small voice to say, "it's ok...I've got this too."

those Israelites were on the very edge of the Promised Land; they could physically see it from the desert they were in. and still they doubted. i am no better. but i am trying to see this plan of His. i am trying to look through the fear (the fear that's from satan, by the way...bro. mark preached on spiritual warfare just a month or so ago...that's a whole other blog i need to write sometime). and i am choosing again today, to trust, to not doubt, to breathe, to say thank you. i am so blessed to feel these kicks in my tummy, to get to talk and sing to my child...

we are on the edge of something so beautiful, so precious, so miraculous. i will not doubt my God. He is bigger than any worry or fear i could ever have.

great expectations

the origin of "miracle" is from the Latin word "miraculum" meaning "object of wonder" and from the Greek word "meidan" meaning "to smile". it has other origins as well, but these are my favorites. when i think of all the the Lord has done for us, the only word i can use is miraculous. i believe that the emotional healing He has brought into our hearts is miraculous. i believe that the physical healing in my body is miraculous. i believe that the life of our son, this baby that is kicking in my belly as i write, is miraculous.

many months ago, before we became pregnant, a friend gave me a sign that said "expect a miracle". i remember wanting to put it over the door to our nursery and not having the courage to do so. at that time, i wasn't ready to expect such a thing. i didn't have a lot of faith. i wasn't able to commit my heart to such a possibility. gradually, the Lord worked His unfailing love through the walls of my heart and gave me the strength to begin trusting Him. i very clearly remember the day that i moved that sign from its place in our kitchen to its current place over our nursery door. moving the sign was very symbolic for me. it was something tangible that i could look at to encourage me each day, something that reminds me still of my right as a child of the King to ask God for the impossible.

when i feel hesitant to put away baby clothes, when i feel afraid to put up the white letters spelling "brooks", when i worry about whether he's kicking or growing or how healthy he is...my sign reminds me that the miracle isn't over. God is still working. He is working in our son's body, mind, and soul, preparing him for his life on this earth. He is working in our hearts, teaching us to trust, showing us how to love, preparing us to be parents. i can expect a miracle every day. miracles in our own lives and miracles in the lives of those we love and pray for. i heard a pastor say once that our prayers are only limited by the will of God; we can pray big! we can pray confidently! we can pray expectantly! and we can pray specifically...with the stipulation that we pray for God's will in our lives and with the understanding that we must be open to whatever that plan looks like.

i love the freedom this allows. we don't have to be afraid. and when we are afraid, we can ask Him for the impossible, expecting that if it's in His will, He will do it. Everything He allows in our lives is meant for His glory and our good...we just need to expect the miracle.

best day ever

tuesday, august 16th, my little boy finally let me feel him kick! i can't even describe how amazing that moment was. i just got really still so i could feel as much as possible and laughed and cried. God does a lot of things in this world that don't always make sense to me; there are things that He has for us that i can't always see the beauty in. this one, i get. such a simple thing...but a life-changing moment for me. i looked up and said, "oh, that's a good one, Lord!" as i was laughing. i know He has been looking forward to me experiencing this for all of my life; He knew the day it was going to happen. i think of it like a present He's had for me that i finally got to open. and it's something i've always wanted. the perfect gift. further proof of the miracle He continues to work in my life and in my body...i am so very thankful.

snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

after the world's longest wait possible...done not very patiently...WE'RE HAVING A BABY BOY!!!!!!
we had our ultrasound on wednesday and were blessed beyond measure to find out that i have a sweet baby boy in my belly. we will be naming him brooks alan and we couldn't be happier. we are so thankful to God for his growth, his precious little face, his ten fingers and ten toes, his four-chambered heart, both of his kidneys, his perfect little spine, and his beautiful brain (among other things...). i still can't believe that this incredible miracle lives inside of me and i am thankful for each and every day i have with him. i can't wait to see him and hold him!

more peas please!

when i was little, i remember my parents trying to get me to eat things that i didn't think i liked. in particular, i remember fighting them about peas. they were mushy, green, and hard to get on my fork...i saw nothing good about peas. and yet they would always tell me, "just try them. trust us. you will like them!" eventually, many bites of peas later, i did start liking peas. but occasionally, even after this, my little mind forgot that i liked them and i fought my parents all over again the next time the peas were served. it was a cycle that didn't really end until i became an adult. i like peas now, but it took me so many little painful bites to get to that point.

if you're wondering what my point might be...i'm getting there. i think trusting God is a little like this. i talk a lot about trust because it's something that i continually struggle with. i knew writing all these blogs about trusting God would come back to bite me. and by "bite me", i mean that i knew God would bring them to my memory whenever i started having doubts again. He came through last night and today, as usual.

we've reached a point in our pregnancy journey where we aren't having ultrasounds very often, and the progress we are making is hard to see. i haven't felt the baby move yet and even though my trusted pregnancy website says it's ok, i started having doubts. over the weekend, my doubt turned to anxiety, and my anxiety quickly became fear. i spent a restless night tossing and turning, feeling of my belly every time i woke up, only to feel nothing and have my fears flare up again.

i prayed each time before i fell back asleep, "Lord, please help me with my doubt. please keep our baby safe. please let everything be ok." and then, just before i slipped off again, i would softly plead, "and please let me feel it kick." i never felt the baby kick. so today, i took matters into my own hands and called the doctor. we went in for a quick heartbeat check (which was perfect) and our little baby kicked twice in the two minutes we were listening to the heartbeat. i still couldn't feel it, but it was a relief to hear and to know that everything was ok in there. we breathed a huge sigh of relief, said a prayer of thanks to God, and went on with our day.

only when i got in the car did God start talking to me about those peas. it's like i had forgotton how good it was to trust Him. all through the night He had been saying, "just try Me, trust Me, you'll like it" and i fought back with my fearful little heart. of course, once the peas were in my mouth, once we heard the heartbeat and had the proof we wanted of God's goodness, only then did i remember how delicious the peas were.

i am reminded of matthew 6:27-33. i was asking for proof that He heard me last night. and yet His word, His creation, the life i have inside of me...all of this is more proof than i deserve. He cares about the lilies of the field. and He cares about me. all i have to do is believe. all i have to do is trust in His word, in His hand, and in His love.

last night, i turned my nose up at the peas on my plate. but today i was reminded. and i pray for more reminders. i pray for more peas.

symptomatology

there are some people out there who say they feel beautiful, sexy even, when they are pregnant. i am not those people.

don't get me wrong...i LOVE being pregnant and i am finally at a place where i think my belly looks cute (keep your trap shut if you disagree...). but sexy is not even in my vocabulary at this point.

it's funny to me how some women don't even know they are pregnant until sometime into their second trimester. even if i hadn't been checking everything daily like a maniac, there's no way that was slipping up on me. my symptoms wouldn't let me be surprised.

i think i've had them all...
nausea, vomiting, extreme exhaustion, having the appetite of a small dinosaur, hot flashes, sinus problems, headaches, swollen feet, a touch of high blood pressure, and heartburn/indigestion (i thought these were two different things, but i have been informed otherwise...). oh, and don't forget mood swings. God bless my sweet husband.

and now, i have the joy (and distinct honor) of adding another, lesser known symptom to my list. i have been diagnosed with meralgia paresthetica (when i say "i have been diagnosed", i mean that i googled it). sounds glamourous, right? oh...it is!! the short version is that my big o' belly (or my other uterus) is pushing on a tendon that is pinching off a nerve causing me to be unable to feel sensation on my thigh. it's totally numb. and it's very weird. i feel itchiness, and when i scratch the itch goes away, only i can't feel myself scratching...bizarre.... the doctor didn't even know what to call it (i told her i googled it. she didn't seem all that impressed).

so when people ask me, "how are you feeling?" i smile and say "great!"
and i do feel great. i have a beautiful baby growing in my belly and feel blessed beyond measure. symptoms and all.

just do it

be still, there is a Healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

be still, there is a river
that flows from Calvary's tree
a fountain for the thirsty
pure grace that washes over me

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever
   (by chris tomlin)

this is a newer song that has really taken root in my heart. the words speak of comfort, healing, mercy, and grace...all things that i have been blessed with from my God, all things that my heart continues to cry out for. but what specifically spoke to me was the line "i lift my hands to believe again." i think so many times in our lives, we think of thanking God, praising Him, lifting our hands to him, and believing in Him after He does what we want Him to. during the times of pain, confusion, and misunderstanding, we don't feel as easily compelled to lift our hands to Him.

but i interpret this line, "i lift my hands to believe again" to say that it's the lifting of our hands, the praising of His name, the thanking Him through the pain and in spite of the misunderstanding that actually leads us to the belief and trust that He wants for us. the act of worship is what brings us closer to His throne, and He wants us to worship Him in every circumstance. because it is every circumstance that He is working for our good. the obedience of worship, the sacrifice of doing it when we don't feel like it, brings the blessing we so long for.

i have found this to be true in my life, and i see people all around me whose hearts are breaking while they long to be closer to God. i have friends in crisis, family members in pain, and they (like i have done and still do sometimes) continue to try to manage things themselves. they are broken people; they feel trapped and desperate. but they still refuse to try God's way. i understand this. i have been there. it's so hard to see how His plan can be better when we are so far away from His voice. it's hard to get past our pride, our guilt, our own ideas of what works and what doesn't... and yet God tells us to believe in Him, to trust in Him, to worship Him anyway. it's so against what our hearts tell us, but our hearts are sinful, and they deceive us.

God doesn't go away. He doesn't give up. He doesn't stop chasing after His children. all we have to do is to stop and lift our hands to Him. is sounds so simple. and it is.

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my rescue, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever.

learning to trust

so many of the lessons i have learned have been in trusting God. i was thinking recently about all that God has taught me over the last couple of years...and i was wondering what made learning to trust so difficult for me.

being on this side of things...feeling blessed...having my prayers answered...it's much easier to trust in Him. and yet, satan regularly tempts me to stop. trusting is a daily choice for me...it's a conscious decision i have to make. it makes no sense to me that i could have fear and worry after all He has done in my life..and yet i do sometimes.

i think trusting God is something you just have to do. it can't be reasoned out. it doesn't always feel good. it rarely adheres to our preconceived plans. in short, in our human hearts, it just doesn't make good sense. every unknowing part of us screams out that we can handle it, that there's no way the unseen can be better than whatever we have planned. and yet, it is. God's way is always better. it's not easier, necessarily, and it isn't free from pain. but it's better.

i don't understand everything that's happened in my life. but i made a choice to trust in His plan, and He has blessed me through that. i am so thrilled to be pregnant with a healthy baby so far. and i believe there is more happiness to come.  however, trusting God didn't "feel good" at first. it wasn't easy. but every day that i choose to trust makes it easier. feeling the peace that comes from letting go of my way helps me have the ability to do it again tomorrow. it's part of His blessing...that confirmation that He is in control, that He knows what He's doing, and that He loves us way too much to give us less than the best.

i am so thankful that He cares enough to remind me.

wanted: one small zipper

until recently, we've been fortunate enough to get ultrasounds every two weeks. my last one was two weeks ago and i'm not scheduled for another one for 4-6 weeks. it's killing me!

every time i post about what's going on in my oven, i want to open the oven door and check to make sure everything's cookin' alright! i have a solution to my problem...i just need a zipper. it can be a small one. just something big enough for me to unzip my belly, have a quick look in the oven, say hi, ask a few questions (primarily, "are you ok?" and "are you a boy or a girl?"), and then zip back up. i don't think that's too much to ask...

mommy loves you little one! if you could start working on a zipper for me, that'd be great!

part of the journey

since our journey to being parents began, i have been writing here, on my blog, and have also been journaling. the journal i keep is really a collection of letters to my child, who until recently, i thought would come through adoption. i have been struggling with what to do with it since finding out we were pregnant.

our call to adoption was unmistakeable. and i don't believe it's over. the day that i finally asked God for what my heart had been longing for, the prayer included two children, one through conception and one through adoption. and although pieces of His plan seem to be unfolding, i am not yet sure what it will look like or how it will turn out.

we are ecstatic, and that's putting it mildly, to be pregnant. these almost-fourteen weeks have been a blessing from God, and we can't wait to meet our baby. i feel a special need to communicate to this child how much he/she is wanted, how loved, how prayed for...and the best way for me to do that is through my words. the journal i have been writing in is really to our adopted child. i started it during that process, have prayed specifically for that child and it's birth family, and i don't feel right binding the two processes together. they are both very sacred to me. both decisions, the decision to pursue adoption and the decision to continue pursuing conception, came at a great spiritual and emotional cost, and i feel like both children, the one in my belly and the one i have yet to know, deserve their own stories. certainly, they are forever connected, but special in their own individual ways, much like the children themselves will be.

i believe there will be a second child (heck, there could be more than that, given my ability to predict the future...). i don't believe we were called to adoption, only to lay it down the moment we conceived. and it's not that i am focused on the future...who knows what that holds. but in my heart, i am already the mother to both of these children. i can't explain it, but it's something i feel very deeply. so i am closing the journal of letters to my adopted child...until the day God calls us to pick it back up again. and i am starting a new one to the baby inside of me...i hope that one day these two will share their stories with one another and that both will know of the unconditional love of their Father in heaven, and of the magnitude of love we have for them.

new look, bad grammar

as you, my faithful readers, may have noticed, i have recently changed the title of my blog. i thought it was more reflective of my life and honestly, i thought it was pretty cute (i can't take credit...the mom-in-law came up with it). i must tell you that i am acutely aware that "uteruses" is not grammatically correct. it pains me, actually. according to webster's, the correct plural of uterus is uteri. but that just doesn't sound like very much fun. and two uteruses has been nothing if not fun... if "uteruses" was a word, it would probably have more s's anyway...oh well. i said i like good grammar, not that i always use it!

hope you like the redo.

not that i'm complaining...

a friend of mine was asking how i had been feeling lately. usually when i am asked this question, i say "oh, fine" and go on about my way. for some reason, i decided to indulge myself a bit and waxed poetic about the ails of pregnancy.

thank the good Lord my constant nausea is gone. i do not miss it. it has, however, been replaced by the every-now-and-then nausea (usually at night) and a lovely amount of gas (don't worry...it doesn't go anywhere. it just sits in my tummy and makes me miserable).

i find it remarkable that my little peach-sized baby seems to be taking up so much room in the nest. i typically lounge in a curled-up little ball, feet to one side, leaning over to the other. no longer... it's not that my belly's too big (no comments, please)...i just can't actually breathe when i do that. this feeling of atelectasis (look it up) and low lung volumes causes me to stretch out in ridiculous positions, head hanging off the couch if need be, just to get comfortable and feel like i can take a deep breath! my husband is amused...he was previously unaware that he had married a contortionist.

sleeping is weird too. i'm supposed to lay on my left side (better blood flow to the peach), but i am kind of a stomach/right side sleeper (or at least, i used to be). so i basically flip around all night, from the right side to my back to the left side and then start all over again. for some reason, when i lay on my back, i can feel my heart beating...so much so that it keeps me awake. add to that the new routine of getting up three times (at 12, 4, and 6) to pee and the 5-6 dreams i am having each night (sorry for all the talking in my sleep, honey), and well...you can see why maybe i'm a little cranky sometimes.

additionally, my hormones have decided that three migraines a week might be something i could use right now, so that's adding a little extra fun to the mix.
all together, it's good times all around. and while i am not loving all these side effects, i do actually love being pregnant and am truly enjoying seeing our baby grow and grow.

i love you little peachy pie...make yourself at home. i'll get over it in a few months.

a glimpse into the future

my sweet husband took me on a babymoon this week (it's like a honeymoon...but since it's probably our last trip before the baby comes, it's called a babymoon. just think about it...).

we went to a quaint little bed and breakfast in chattanooga (the chanticleer inn on top of lookout mountain). the food was delicious, the pool was refreshing (although a tad on the noisy side), and getting away from normalcy for a couple of days with my favorite person was nice and relaxing. we read books, we took naps, and we tested our phobias.

i am not a fan of enclosed spaces. i can do it...i just don't like to. the tighter the space, the more agitated i get. we took a little cave tour and i strugged with some of the more narrow passageways. jeremy tried soothe me...i bit his head off. fun was had by all.

while i do not find it humorous AT ALL to make fun of my claustrophobia, i do find it fairly entertaining to witness my poor husband's fear of heights (that's terrible, i know...). it's a serious fear, and we tested it out at rock city. just for giggles, i took the path that said there was a swinging bridge up ahead...i knew we would never make it across, but i suppose i was feeling mischevious. i don't think my foot even made it onto the bridge before i heard a very serious "don't you dare take a step. that thing is moving" from behind me. you see, his fears aren't just for himself. he doesn't want me to be on high places either...especially swinging high places.

i obediently backed up and we took an alternate route...only to find ourselves face to face with lover's leap, the point from which you can see seven states at the same time. it's not a ledge, per se, but it is a very high cliff. jeremy flatly refused to go out onto it, despite the railings, and he begged me not to either. i politely declined (it sounded something like, "i paid 20 bucks...i'm going out there") and when i had reached the limit he had mentally set for me, he showed me how great of a father he is going to be.

he assumed the position of pointing down beside him (to show me where i needed to be), made a very mean growly face, and yelled "you get back over here!" for all to hear. it was hilarious. he was dead serious, as he never yells, and i stayed out a few seconds longer before deciding it might be good for me to do as i was being told. he hugged me like i had nearly died when i got beside him...and then he realized all the people around us were laughing.

safely back under my husband's care, we both started laughing along with the rest of the people. the memory of him yelling at me with that face, and the pointing...i will always laugh and i can't wait to see it when he does it to our child! hopefully, this little one will be more obedient than its mother!