this is not a "new year's resolution" post. let's just get that out of the way now. i'm not really into those. mostly because i don't ever stick to any of them (like most of you, i'm guessing), and i really hate not doing something that i say i'm going to do. so i just don't make them. but i am working on some things, or rather, God is. again.
my heart needs constant re-breaking, re-shaping... i'm so thankful for a God who keeps at it, who sticks with me, who fulfills His promises. He's been at it for a while, now, working through some friends and family to help us love each other better, parent better, and get really honest about the state of our hearts. particularly for me, it's uncovered some ugliness i'd rather not really admit to. i've spent a lot of time asking the Lord to make me aware of the state of my heart, to show me where i'm not honoring Him and to give me the strength to deal with what needs to be different. twice in the last week, as He often does, He has placed some specific songs in my ears to help drive home some of the finer points.
the first came earlier in the week. i was thinking about how being a stay-at-home mom is such a blessing. how hopefully my son will be better in the long-term because of the time we spend together now. of how much i enjoy being at home with him. how good it is for my soul. and i've always been somewhat staggered at how great of a responsibility that entails. i'm responsible for his behavior, his emotional health, his safety, and most importantly, teaching him about our Jesus. it's a lot that sometimes overwhelms me. and then i heard "start with me" by meredith andrews, and the chorus says: my life is an empty cup. fill it up! fill it up! i wanna hear every rescued heart cry "You're enough! You're enough!" break what needs breaking until You're all we see. and start with me. start with me. and the Holy Spirit began speaking to me...staying at home isn't just about making and molding brooks. it's about making and molding me. teaching me to give Him my entire day, the good moments and the mundane. showing me how to trust when i don't have the answers. honoring Him with my time, my effots. praising Him for all the little blessings that come each day. i can't impact my child's life for Christ if my own heart isn't completely surrendered to Him...
and so my prayer began to "start with me", Lord. i even wrote it on my chalkboard. and then yesterday, during worship, i heard myself singing "my heart will sing no other name...Jesus, Jesus". and again the Holy Spirit pricked my heart, saying "well? does it?" i had to stop for a moment, because the truth is that my heart sings a lot of things. it sings of my husband and son a lot of the time. sometimes my friends and other family. it sings of my church. but a lot of the time it just sings of me. a flat, selfish, out-of-tune note that i try to make sound ok... when my heart was created to sing only of Jesus. everything i do at home, at church, anywhere, should sing of Jesus. as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, a daughter... my call is to be broken before the Lord and to set my own strong will aside for the will and plan of Christ.
i don't have any easy answers to making this happen, but i pray that my house, my family, my heart will glorify the Father, that we will be a picture of His grace, His love, and the miraculous change that only He can bring about. start with me, God. tune my heart to sing Your praise. bind this far-wandering heart to You. break what needs breaking until You are all that i see. and start with me.
