here's the short version: we're pregnant with a baby girl, and jeremy has surrendered to the call to ministry to be a worship leader and has started seminary classes. maybe neither of those sounds like a super big deal to you... and that's fine... but whoo-mercy! it's been a big deal for us!
if you don't know our story, then you won't understand why i'm a huge believer in miracles of all shapes and sizes, especially in miracles of the heart, but also in literal, physical miracles. feel free to read back about three years ago... and the Lord has done it again. twice. let me say this up front: we aren't special. we aren't extra important to God. we have been blessed in ways that astound us, our God is great, and i feel compelled to speak of what He has done in our lives. i don't know why He has chosen us for these blessings...but i'm grateful and i will be obedient in the telling of His goodness. miracles aren't just for us. there's no secret formula to getting them. but prayer, obedience, and a surrendering to His will are three sure-fire ways to at least get on the right track. i know because i've been off of that many times, and believe me, it's better on this side!
jeremy and i have been through a lot in our 16 years together (12 of them married). our journey to brooks (our precocious and hilarious 3 1/2 year old) was more than we bargained for but was God's chance to show us what He's made of. He loved us well through those trials and blessings, and we can't imagine our lives without our sweet little brooksey boy. we lost jeremy's dad and grandfather, both in the last 2 1/2 years, and this has been so difficult for our family, and especially for him. walking through that has shown us some dark days, but our God is faithful and has brought us through that with amazing gentleness. i've always been convicted about not spending enough time in prayer for my husband. they say we take those closest to us for granted the most, and i know that's true for me. i get lazy. i get annoyed. i get consumed with everything else in my life, and i forget to pray for the man i love spending this life with so much. about six months ago, the Lord brought fresh conviction for me on this, and began working in my heart, doing the molding and shaping He saw i needed to be more like Him.
it sort of started with jeremy feeling more and more like he wanted a second baby. he's always kind of felt that way, but after all that we went through with brooks, we were feeling a little gun-shy, me especially. i really had no desire for another child, and although i wanted to give my husband what he wanted, i couldn't bring myself to enter into another potentially difficult season without my whole heart being in it. i became pretty adamant about it, actually, and felt like i was totally in the right. until the Lord began this prodding about praying... in the meantime, i had several conversations with Christian friends or heard lessons/sermons about fasting, something i was not familiar with and had never even considered doing. to be brief, God showed me some things through scripture and through these conversations that led me to the decision to fast and pray for a week, specifically for my husband and for the decision of whether or not to try to have another baby.
the purpose of fasting, as i understand it, is to deny yourself food physically in an effort to focus your thoughts/time/efforts on whatever God has spoken to you about. there are lots of ways/versions of fasting, and it should only be done, i believe, after direct conviction from the Lord to do so. for me, this looked like only eating vegetables, whole grains, and water for a week. when i felt hungry and started thinking about donuts and pancakes, i stopped and prayed for my husband. and i began to begrudgingly pray that if the Lord wanted us to have another baby, that He would begin to change my heart so that i would have a desire for another baby. by the end of the week, i felt good about being obedient in what the Lord had asked me to do, but i can't say that i felt especially different in any other way. i did get to the point where i could say "Lord, if you want us to have another baby, then ok, i guess i can get on board with that", but it wasn't the "i really want another baby" that i had in mind. i also hadn't come to any mind-blowing conclusions about my relationship with jeremy, but again felt good about spending that time in prayer for him.
sometime later, maybe a week or two?, jeremy started talking about wanting to lead worship at church. his interest in music has always been present, but not in a way that would put him in front of others in a leadership role. looking back, i see the Lord at work in his heart before this time, as jeremy had taught himself to play the guitar (quite well!) and had been feeling a desire to be involved more in the music at church, but i couldn't see it at this time just yet. as talking turned to a more serious desire, we began to realize that the Lord was calling him to worship leadership. the decision to begin seminary classes came shortly thereafter, and though things aren't happening easily, God is slowing moving that process along, teaching my sweet husband, and allowing him opportunities to serve through music in ways that he never thought possible. in the meantime, the Lord had continued to work in my heart in the baby area. and one morning i woke up and found myself praying, "Lord, if this is what you want for us, then this is what i want. i want another baby. please give us one more miracle." i remember opening my eyes and audibly saying "whoa"... i couldn't believe my heart had come so far. i certainly wasn't looking forward to any more miscarriages, another difficult pregnancy, more scary and uncertain times, but i knew that if God wanted another miller in this family, then it would be worth me risking my heart.
a friend gave me a book on "taking control over my fertility" or something like that, and i read it with plans to do just that. except i never had to. because it was never about me taking control of anything. we were pregnant before i could even blink. and now it's 21 weeks later, and we have a little lynnley weston miller (named after me, and in honor of his dad) on the way, due november 18. there have been no miscarriages, no medicines, no high risk doctors, no shots. there has been only "normal pregnancy". i've been blown away at the normalcy. when i think of miracles, i think of the big ways He worked in my body with brooks. and yet, this changing of my heart, this "normal" pregnancy... the ease and lack of anxiety that this time has allowed... it's just another day for my God to say "I am God, and you are not, and I've got this." it's another, maybe more simple miracle, but no less profound to me.
my husband is serving God in a way that has meaning and purpose for him, a way that is blessing others and me. our sweet brooks is growing and changing and becoming even more precious to us daily than the day before. i hear him talking and playing in his room, as my quiet time winds down and the day begins. and little lynnley is kicking in my belly as i write this, letting me know we have many surprises to come. our God is so good. and we are so thankful. so very, very thankful for the amount of love and grace He has afforded to us. i don't know what the future holds, what He has in store for us, but i know i want whatever He has for us. if it's beautiful or difficult, if it's His will, i want it, and i know that He will take us through it. i have more to say... maybe tomorrow.
