great expectations

the origin of "miracle" is from the Latin word "miraculum" meaning "object of wonder" and from the Greek word "meidan" meaning "to smile". it has other origins as well, but these are my favorites. when i think of all the the Lord has done for us, the only word i can use is miraculous. i believe that the emotional healing He has brought into our hearts is miraculous. i believe that the physical healing in my body is miraculous. i believe that the life of our son, this baby that is kicking in my belly as i write, is miraculous.

many months ago, before we became pregnant, a friend gave me a sign that said "expect a miracle". i remember wanting to put it over the door to our nursery and not having the courage to do so. at that time, i wasn't ready to expect such a thing. i didn't have a lot of faith. i wasn't able to commit my heart to such a possibility. gradually, the Lord worked His unfailing love through the walls of my heart and gave me the strength to begin trusting Him. i very clearly remember the day that i moved that sign from its place in our kitchen to its current place over our nursery door. moving the sign was very symbolic for me. it was something tangible that i could look at to encourage me each day, something that reminds me still of my right as a child of the King to ask God for the impossible.

when i feel hesitant to put away baby clothes, when i feel afraid to put up the white letters spelling "brooks", when i worry about whether he's kicking or growing or how healthy he is...my sign reminds me that the miracle isn't over. God is still working. He is working in our son's body, mind, and soul, preparing him for his life on this earth. He is working in our hearts, teaching us to trust, showing us how to love, preparing us to be parents. i can expect a miracle every day. miracles in our own lives and miracles in the lives of those we love and pray for. i heard a pastor say once that our prayers are only limited by the will of God; we can pray big! we can pray confidently! we can pray expectantly! and we can pray specifically...with the stipulation that we pray for God's will in our lives and with the understanding that we must be open to whatever that plan looks like.

i love the freedom this allows. we don't have to be afraid. and when we are afraid, we can ask Him for the impossible, expecting that if it's in His will, He will do it. Everything He allows in our lives is meant for His glory and our good...we just need to expect the miracle.

best day ever

tuesday, august 16th, my little boy finally let me feel him kick! i can't even describe how amazing that moment was. i just got really still so i could feel as much as possible and laughed and cried. God does a lot of things in this world that don't always make sense to me; there are things that He has for us that i can't always see the beauty in. this one, i get. such a simple thing...but a life-changing moment for me. i looked up and said, "oh, that's a good one, Lord!" as i was laughing. i know He has been looking forward to me experiencing this for all of my life; He knew the day it was going to happen. i think of it like a present He's had for me that i finally got to open. and it's something i've always wanted. the perfect gift. further proof of the miracle He continues to work in my life and in my body...i am so very thankful.

snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

after the world's longest wait possible...done not very patiently...WE'RE HAVING A BABY BOY!!!!!!
we had our ultrasound on wednesday and were blessed beyond measure to find out that i have a sweet baby boy in my belly. we will be naming him brooks alan and we couldn't be happier. we are so thankful to God for his growth, his precious little face, his ten fingers and ten toes, his four-chambered heart, both of his kidneys, his perfect little spine, and his beautiful brain (among other things...). i still can't believe that this incredible miracle lives inside of me and i am thankful for each and every day i have with him. i can't wait to see him and hold him!

more peas please!

when i was little, i remember my parents trying to get me to eat things that i didn't think i liked. in particular, i remember fighting them about peas. they were mushy, green, and hard to get on my fork...i saw nothing good about peas. and yet they would always tell me, "just try them. trust us. you will like them!" eventually, many bites of peas later, i did start liking peas. but occasionally, even after this, my little mind forgot that i liked them and i fought my parents all over again the next time the peas were served. it was a cycle that didn't really end until i became an adult. i like peas now, but it took me so many little painful bites to get to that point.

if you're wondering what my point might be...i'm getting there. i think trusting God is a little like this. i talk a lot about trust because it's something that i continually struggle with. i knew writing all these blogs about trusting God would come back to bite me. and by "bite me", i mean that i knew God would bring them to my memory whenever i started having doubts again. He came through last night and today, as usual.

we've reached a point in our pregnancy journey where we aren't having ultrasounds very often, and the progress we are making is hard to see. i haven't felt the baby move yet and even though my trusted pregnancy website says it's ok, i started having doubts. over the weekend, my doubt turned to anxiety, and my anxiety quickly became fear. i spent a restless night tossing and turning, feeling of my belly every time i woke up, only to feel nothing and have my fears flare up again.

i prayed each time before i fell back asleep, "Lord, please help me with my doubt. please keep our baby safe. please let everything be ok." and then, just before i slipped off again, i would softly plead, "and please let me feel it kick." i never felt the baby kick. so today, i took matters into my own hands and called the doctor. we went in for a quick heartbeat check (which was perfect) and our little baby kicked twice in the two minutes we were listening to the heartbeat. i still couldn't feel it, but it was a relief to hear and to know that everything was ok in there. we breathed a huge sigh of relief, said a prayer of thanks to God, and went on with our day.

only when i got in the car did God start talking to me about those peas. it's like i had forgotton how good it was to trust Him. all through the night He had been saying, "just try Me, trust Me, you'll like it" and i fought back with my fearful little heart. of course, once the peas were in my mouth, once we heard the heartbeat and had the proof we wanted of God's goodness, only then did i remember how delicious the peas were.

i am reminded of matthew 6:27-33. i was asking for proof that He heard me last night. and yet His word, His creation, the life i have inside of me...all of this is more proof than i deserve. He cares about the lilies of the field. and He cares about me. all i have to do is believe. all i have to do is trust in His word, in His hand, and in His love.

last night, i turned my nose up at the peas on my plate. but today i was reminded. and i pray for more reminders. i pray for more peas.