four

yesterday was our little brooksey's fourth birthday. and of course he wanted to have his party at the fire station. so we did.

major props to grams for getting these firemen to agree to host a kid's birthday party. and even bigger thank you's to the firemen. they showed up on a saturday, and went all out. we didn't just get the standard "field trip" tour... we got the deluxe field trip.

they got out hoses, their gear, two trucks... it was so much fun. jeremy even got in on the fun by trying on the fireman's gear, and we all got a turn spraying the hose. gigi got the cutest cake ever from puffy muffin, and brooks had so much fun opening presents and playing with his cousins and friends!

thank you Arrington Volunteer Fire Department... you're the best!!!

and Happy Birthday Brooks! i hope you actually remember this birthday... we love you!

cue photos:

faithful

i had my post-partum checkup this week. after checking my incision and making sure i wasn't depressed, my doctor and i started talking about the events that occurred during my c-section. he had leaned over the sterile drape during the OR and told me that it was a miracle i had two healthy babies. i didn't think much of it at the time. we know they're miracles. this wasn't breaking news to us. but as we were chatting in his office, he said some things i wasn't expecting. he said that my placenta had been one of the most pitiful he had seen, and that lynnley's umbilical cord was tiny, "skinny"... and then he dropped a bomb. he said that if her heart decelerations had occurred anywhere other than at the doctor's office when i was being monitored, we would have delivered a still-born baby.

just writing that gives me pause. i have to catch my breath a little bit and swallow down the urge to throw up. and in the doctor's office as i breathed "thank you Jesus" and tried not to cry, he laughed and said, "you have your two...move on!"

lynnley was so prayed for in the months leading up to her birth. by our family, our church, everyone we knew, essentially. she was prayed for specifically... for her growth, her health, that everything would work for her good and God's glory. in fact, that's one of the things i was praying in the ambulance... for her good and His glory. it's scripture my dad reminded me of during my pregnancy with brooks...that He works all things for our good and His glory (to them who are called according to His purpose)... he said it at the time to give me hope, and it did. but over the years, i've found myself saying it as a prayer, that God would work things for my good (or whomever's i'm praying for at the time) and His glory. our God has been so faithful in taking care of our precious children. i am blown away and extremely humbled by the miracles He has wrought in their lives, in their bodies, in mine.

and yet i have to ask the questions... would He be any less faithful if He hadn't worked these miracles? would He still be the good Father i know Him to be? what if He hadn't spared my children...would this, too, be for my good and His glory?

the answer is yes. and while i can't wrap my mind around how i would live life under these circumstances, i know that even in that, He would still be good. that He would still be working for my good and His glory, because i love Him and am called to follow Him. His faithfulness isn't dependent on Him doing what i want. it is only dependent upon God being God, which He is in all situations, at all times, every minute of every day. and yes, it's easier to say this having received some mighty big blessings...and i don't always trust, even though i know these things. but God is good. all the time. He is faithful and just and merciful and full of grace. and He has done miraculous things and is doing them still.

there are so many times in our lives that He rescues us, saves us, keeps us from harm, emotionally, physically...so many times that we are unaware of. and this glimpse that i got this week into what He saved us from, into the answered prayers i didn't even know to pray... i can hardly stand the thought of the glory this brings to Him. it's no wonder the bible says every knee will bow. when we meet Jesus, we will be in absolute awe. when we get to know everything that He spared us from... we will fall to our faces, worshiping the one true God.

i heard a song recently at our nephew's violin recital called "He's Always Been Faithful to Me" by Sara Groves. you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTLfQ05Otk0
this song is so representative of His hand in my life, but my favorite is the last verse, which says "this is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories i've heard for so long"... i've grown up believing in God's goodness, but mostly just on faith. so getting the opportunity to see in the flesh that this is true.. it's just amazing and beautiful, and i say it a lot, but we are so blessed.

He's always been faithful to me.

of anxiety and ambulances

the whirlwind has ceased. for now... and so here's the story. the story of lynnley and our great big God.

I haven't written a ton about my pregnancy with her, and while I feel a little guilty about it, there just hasn't been that much to tell. I got fat, I felt ok, everything was fine. the Lord was good to me and provided so much peace, so much less anxiety than we had when we were pregnant with brooks. there wasn't anything to process, and so, for me that translates into not much to write about.

and then one day, things weren't as ok.

just like with brooks, lynnley's growth started to be an issue. at around 32 weeks, she entered a time of less and less growth, namely because of the smallness of my uterus (since there are two, they're smaller than normal). as time went on, she became less and less a fan of her ever-shrinking space, and we started undergoing twice weekly testing to make sure she was safe. all of the testing was fairly uneventful, and our doctor planned to deliver her via C-section at 37 weeks, a time he chose for her to be fully developed, but soon enough that the lack of space wouldn't continue to impede her growth. with our C-section scheduled for October 29, we went in on the 26th, our thirteenth wedding anniversary, for the last testing session. Jeremy had been attending a conference that day (instead of being at his school), and was able to come to the appointment with me, something that seemed coincidental at the time, but turned out to be God's grace in action. shortly after they strapped me into the monitors to listen and watch our baby's heart rate for a while, things began to happen. lynnley's heart rate dropped suddenly to the 70's, and stayed there for almost three minutes. nurses came running, and they started moving me all around, trying to stimulate my little girl so that her heart rate would come back up. it happened so quickly...and yet all in slow motion. I found myself crying and very afraid as they called for an ambulance to take us to the hospital.

her heart rate stabilized before we left in the ambulance, but the ambulance was not equipped with fetal heart monitoring, so we rode "lights and sirens" in the pouring rain all the way to Vanderbilt. Jeremy left in his car, calling my parents, making arrangements for brooks. he stole my phone, actually, and all I could think was that this was my one chance to take a selfie in an ambulance and I didn't have my phone! being in the back of an ambulance, as a patient, isn't something I care to ever do again. they took great care of me, but it's just pretty scary. I began a prayer on repeat...praying for lynnley's safety, for our safety in the ambulance, for Jeremy's safety driving, and for all the other cars on the road. I prayed it, and prayed it, and prayed it again.

when we got to the hospital, lynnley had three more episodes of heart rate decelerations, and it became clear that we were going to get to meet her that night. blessedly, my doctor was already at the hospital, my family arrived shortly thereafter, and every kind nurse available was working that night. at 6:36 pm, lynnley made her entrance into this world, weighing 4 lbs, 5 oz, screaming her head off. my blood pressure doesn't enjoy C-sections, and there were some difficult, anxiety-filled moments as the doctors worked to stabilize it and my husband...bless him...he was so scared for us, so concerned, so full of love for his family.

we saw her beautiful, perfect little face briefly, and then she was off to the nursery, and then to the NICU. my worst fear of my baby requiring the NICU was coming true...but again, my God is God, and even this turned into blessing upon blessing. lynnley was in the NICU for unstable glucoses and jaundice that required phototherapy, both things that aren't a big deal in the scheme of things. there are a million worse things that could have been happening to my daughter, things that happen to other babies and families every day. we were so fortunate, but in our little world, things were still feeling somewhat out of control. lynnley spent a week in the NICU. the Lord blessed us with some of the kindest, sweetest nurses, people who ministered to me emotionally, and took excellent care of our girl. one in particular noticed that her IV wasn't looking good, took it out, and instead of replacing it, took the initiative to see how she would do without it, without the glucose fluid that she was requiring. the short version is that the weaning process of getting her off of that fluid was a long one, one that would have taken days, but because that nurse took a chance, and because the Lord is faithful, lynnley didn't require any further glucose fluid, shortening our hospital stay by several days. over and over, as I prayed for God to help her eat enough to keep her glucoses stable, He worked. actively, immediately, and repeatedly, He allowed and made things happen that brought about healing and restoration for lynnley's body and for our hearts. having to walk to the NICU multiple times a day/night to feed my baby brought about quicker healing to my own body and allowed me to enjoy some of the sweetest moments with my new daughter. not having a baby that people could visit gave Jeremy and I time to ourselves, time to pray and reflect and just be, all things we didn't know we needed.

when I got discharged before lynnley did, and had to leave her at the hospital to go home, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, and I hope to never have to experience my babies being hospitalized ever again. but coming home without her allowed me time to adjust and be with our son, just us and him, after several days of not seeing him, and this, too, turned out to be something we didn't know we needed, but desperately did.

bringing lynnley home was a sweet, sweet day. to be all together, all four of us, was balm to my heart. brooks adores her, and while a little rough at times (as a three-year-old boy will be), he talks so sweetly to "his baby", calling her his "lynnley girl". i never knew i needed a baby girl... but He knew. God knew our family was not complete, and i'm so thankful that He gave me the time to come to my senses and ask for Him to complete our family in such a beautiful, perfect way. our lynnley weston is perfect. she's so pretty, so precious. we are beyond blessed and so, so grateful that God cares about our hearts, our tiny little girl, and about all the details that came along the way.

sweet questions

there are seasons in life where you learn really hard things. and some where you kind of coast through just existing. and still others where some sweetness happens. sometimes they're all mixed together in some form or another. and if you're like me, sometimes you don't even know which season you're in...

but for the last few weeks, at least, i've recognized some sweetness. not that there isn't any the rest of the time, but these days it's been a little more apparent.

brooks has entered a loving little phase. he calls me "sweet mommy" all the time, which is partly manipulative at times, but i don't actually care, because i adore being called sweet mommy. and i'm thankful that he doesn't know all the things that make me not a sweet mommy most of the time. he hugs a little tighter, actually throwing his arms around our necks; he's saying please and thank you and bless you and excuse me; and i think we are officially completely done with pull-ups for him, even at night, which is icing on this sweet little cake. he wants to snuggle, wants to be a policeman, and wants to be just like his daddy, all excellent aspirations. he's smart, super verbose, long-legged, and really funny. i just love being around him and continue to be surprised by what comes out of his mouth. his imagination grows daily, and his ability to play and laugh and have fun are so refreshing and beautiful to watch.

even more sweet is the incredible opportunity to see the Holy Spirit working in his heart. when he was in my belly and the sonographer told us he had a beautiful heart, i began praying that he would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. that prayer has continued for me through his life thus far, and we regularly see the fruit of this tenderness and sensitivity. it started with questions about songs...his favorite is "i am not alone" by kari jobe. something about that song makes him perk up and pay attention, and he hadn't heard it many times before he began asking me about the lyrics. "why does she keep saying she isn't alone, mommy?" "what does redeemed mean?" "what does it mean when she says He goes before me?" and my answers brought more questions... "why does God love us so much?" "why doesn't He ever leave us?" i've been driving through tears more than once as his little heart was pricked by the Spirit, prompting these precious thoughts. i love hearing his sweet little voice singing praises to our God, even when he doesn't totally understand everything he's singing.

and then, as we lay in his bed the other night, snuggling, me trying to make it quick, him trying to drag it out, he asked me "mommy, why do i disobey?" i confess i was feeling lazy, so i tried to push him off, saying "oh, you just do.." knowing he deserved a better answer but just not feeling up to it. and then, as the Lord would have it, he asked again, more insistently, "but why do i disobey?" and we spent the next 15 minutes talking about sin and what it looks like in his life, what it looks like in my life, and what we're supposed to do about it. i know he's too young to wrap his head around all of that, but just the responsibility of trying to answer such important questions overwhelm me. i'm astounded at his capacity to listen, to question. it makes me love his little heart all the more, and yet it's scary to be accountable for growing, teaching, and molding this little heart. my prayer is that the Lord will continue to grow him and prod him in spite of my fumbling explanations, that i won't get in His way, and that i'll always have an answer for the hope that we have.

it's such a privilege to watch a child discover the Lord. brooks asks these things, prays these prayers, and i almost miss it. at dinner just two days ago, as he blessed our food, telling God how much he loves Him...even though he questions where God is, why we can't see Him, how He can hear us...he still believes enough to say that he loves Jesus. how often do i pray, telling God what i want, when i want it, and how i think it ought to come about, forgetting to just stop and tell Him how much i love Him. brooks thanking God for his toys, for his race track, and my cynical, sinful heart thinking "oh God doesn't care about that", and i'm so wrong. so wrong. i have zero doubts that our Lord stops and shushes everything and everyone when my little boy prays to Him. when anyone prays to Him. He rejoices at my son's love for Him, at his questions, and at his thankfulness. this child challenges my faith in ways i never thought possible, and i am better for it.

our lives are funnier, more joyful, and definitely more rich for loving this little boy. the one who randomly asks things like "do bugs sneeze?" (they do not) and my personal favorite, "do crabs and lobsters have penises?" (they do! two each!). he says he gets his questions from "the question door, when i'm sitting on the potty" although he couldn't show me exactly where the questions "just pop out".  so we spend a lot of time on google, and i'm convicted about spending even more time in prayer, because i've got to be ready for his questions. the funny ones, the silly ones, but most importantly, the ones that really matter. if i'm not ready, i'll miss the sweetness. and i don't want to miss it. not ever.

happenings

the last six months have been pretty eventful in our house...so eventful that i haven't had taken the time to even write it all down! but i woke up early this morning and felt it all swirling in my head, so i'm going to at least try to get started.

here's the short version: we're pregnant with a baby girl, and jeremy has surrendered to the call to ministry to be a worship leader and has started seminary classes. maybe neither of those sounds like a super big deal to you... and that's fine... but whoo-mercy! it's been a big deal for us!

if you don't know our story, then you won't understand why i'm a huge believer in miracles of all shapes and sizes, especially in miracles of the heart, but also in literal, physical miracles. feel free to read back about three years ago... and the Lord has done it again.  twice.  let me say this up front: we aren't special. we aren't extra important to God. we have been blessed in ways that astound us, our God is great, and i feel compelled to speak of what He has done in our lives. i don't know why He has chosen us for these blessings...but i'm grateful and i will be obedient in the telling of His goodness. miracles aren't just for us. there's no secret formula to getting them. but prayer, obedience, and a surrendering to His will are three sure-fire ways to at least get on the right track. i know because i've been off of that many times, and believe me, it's better on this side!

jeremy and i have been through a lot in our 16 years together (12 of them married). our journey to brooks (our precocious and hilarious 3 1/2 year old) was more than we bargained for but was God's chance to show us what He's made of. He loved us well through those trials and blessings, and we can't imagine our lives without our sweet little brooksey boy. we lost jeremy's dad and grandfather, both in the last 2 1/2 years, and this has been so difficult for our family, and especially for him. walking through that has shown us some dark days, but our God is faithful and has brought us through that with amazing gentleness. i've always been convicted about not spending enough time in prayer for my husband. they say we take those closest to us for granted the most, and i know that's true for me. i get lazy. i get annoyed. i get consumed with everything else in my life, and i forget to pray for the man i love spending this life with so much. about six months ago, the Lord brought fresh conviction for me on this, and began working in my heart, doing the molding and shaping He saw i needed to be more like Him.

it sort of started with jeremy feeling more and more like he wanted a second baby. he's always kind of felt that way, but after all that we went through with brooks, we were feeling a little gun-shy, me especially. i really had no desire for another child, and although i wanted to give my husband what he wanted, i couldn't bring myself to enter into another potentially difficult season without my whole heart being in it. i became pretty adamant about it, actually, and felt like i was totally in the right. until the Lord began this prodding about praying... in the meantime, i had several conversations with Christian friends or heard lessons/sermons about fasting, something i was not familiar with and had never even considered doing. to be brief, God showed me some things through scripture and through these conversations that led me to the decision to fast and pray for a week, specifically for my husband and for the decision of whether or not to try to have another baby.

the purpose of fasting, as i understand it, is to deny yourself food physically in an effort to focus your thoughts/time/efforts on whatever God has spoken to you about. there are lots of ways/versions of fasting, and it should only be done, i believe, after direct conviction from the Lord to do so. for me, this looked like only eating vegetables, whole grains, and water for a week. when i felt hungry and started thinking about donuts and pancakes, i stopped and prayed for my husband. and i began to begrudgingly pray that if the Lord wanted us to have another baby, that He would begin to change my heart so that i would have a desire for another baby. by the end of the week, i felt good about being obedient in what the Lord had asked me to do, but i can't say that i felt especially different in any other way. i did get to the point where i could say "Lord, if you want us to have another baby, then ok, i guess i can get on board with that", but it wasn't the "i really want another baby" that i had in mind. i also hadn't come to any mind-blowing conclusions about my relationship with jeremy, but again felt good about spending that time in prayer for him.

sometime later, maybe a week or two?, jeremy started talking about wanting to lead worship at church. his interest in music has always been present, but not in a way that would put him in front of others in a leadership role. looking back, i see the Lord at work in his heart before this time, as jeremy had taught himself to play the guitar (quite well!) and had been feeling a desire to be involved more in the music at church, but i couldn't see it at this time just yet. as talking turned to a more serious desire, we began to realize that the Lord was calling him to worship leadership. the decision to begin seminary classes came shortly thereafter, and though things aren't happening easily, God is slowing moving that process along, teaching my sweet husband, and allowing him opportunities to serve through music in ways that he never thought possible. in the meantime, the Lord had continued to work in my heart in the baby area. and one morning i woke up and found myself praying, "Lord, if this is what you want for us, then this is what i want. i want another baby. please give us one more miracle." i remember opening my eyes and audibly saying "whoa"... i couldn't believe my heart had come so far. i certainly wasn't looking forward to any more miscarriages, another difficult pregnancy, more scary and uncertain times, but i knew that if God wanted another miller in this family, then it would be worth me risking my heart.

a friend gave me a book on "taking control over my fertility" or something like that, and i read it with plans to do just that. except i never had to. because it was never about me taking control of anything. we were pregnant before i could even blink. and now it's 21 weeks later, and we have a little lynnley weston miller (named after me, and in honor of his dad) on the way, due november 18. there have been no miscarriages, no medicines, no high risk doctors, no shots. there has been only "normal pregnancy". i've been blown away at the normalcy. when i think of miracles, i think of the big ways He worked in my body with brooks. and yet, this changing of my heart, this "normal" pregnancy... the ease and lack of anxiety that this time has allowed... it's just another day for my God to say "I am God, and you are not, and I've got this." it's another, maybe more simple miracle, but no less profound to me.

my husband is serving God in a way that has meaning and purpose for him, a way that is blessing others and me. our sweet brooks is growing and changing and becoming even more precious to us daily than the day before. i hear him talking and playing in his room, as my quiet time winds down and the day begins. and little lynnley is kicking in my belly as i write this, letting me know we have many surprises to come. our God is so good. and we are so thankful. so very, very thankful for the amount of love and grace He has afforded to us. i don't know what the future holds, what He has in store for us, but i know i want whatever He has for us. if it's beautiful or difficult, if it's His will, i want it, and i know that He will take us through it. i have more to say... maybe tomorrow.

the heart wants what it wants

this stuff has been swirling around in my head for a week or two, working itself out in my heart as the Holy Spirit has been whispering, prodding, and convicting…

 “the heart wants what it wants.”

 i was listening to “adult radio” the other day when my son wasn’t in the car (our local top 40 station), singing along to these lyrics, when the wheels in my brain started turning. my first thought was that i should probably change the station…and my second thought was that i agreed with selena…the heart does want what it wants. our hearts are sinful and wicked, concerned only with ourselves, and we want what we want when we want it. but while the song was talking about this from a love/romance/sexuality perspective, i saw it differently.

we are created in the image of Christ, designed and built to desire relationship with and provide worship to Him. ultimately, that’s what our hearts want. it’s what they were created to want. sin doesn’t change that fact. our hearts crave communion with our Creator, and we search for it vigorously. we just don’t look in the right places. we use earthly relationships, jobs, hobbies, money, sex, and a multitude of other things to try to satiate the ache that our hearts cry out with. we are hungry for more of our Savior, thirsty for living water. but we fill our minds, our hearts, our homes with the things of the world that cannot satisfy us. and so, our hearts want. (see Psalm 42:2, 63:1, and 143:6…even king david’s heart thirsted for more.)

 as Christians, we guard against the sinful desires of our hearts. we spend time reading God’s word, we spend time talking with Him in prayer, we practice living in ways that are pleasing to Him. and yet, we cannot fully rid ourselves of the sin in our hearts. we just can’t. it’s not that these efforts are fruitless or hopeless…drawing nearer to the Lord always brings blessing. even a little bit of Christ is better than all this world has to offer…and our hearts will always seek Him, or something else in place of Him.

i’ve seen this in my own life lately… my husband and i have been working on some things in our relationship, weeding out some issues, learning to love each other better. i’ve never been more aware of my selfish heart than during these conversations with him. even in my desire to be less selfish, to be a more godly wife, i see flesh, self, and stubbornness. another song has been playing in my head on repeat…

”burn away” by meredith andrews…
“burn away everything that breaks Your heart, everything that is not love. purify my every thought. take away everything that comes between us, everything that is untrue. Jesus make me more like you.”

 even as i’ve been singing this, i’ve wondered if i could really honestly pray these lyrics. do i really want to be rid of everything that breaks God’s heart? what would that look like? would there be anything left of me if all of that was gone? and the Lord has answered with a resounding “then you would look like ME!” and that thought is like a rush of overwhelming, life-giving, crashing on the shores of my heart water. i’m not sure that there’s anything in me that would be left if everything that comes between me and Jesus were gone. and i know that that’s where i want to be. as much as i hold onto my pride, whatever i think i deserve…none of it matters. because my heart cries out for more Jesus. i long to love my husband, my family, my friends, my church, the way that He loves them. if He will only continue to break and tear and consume and burn away at my heart…not to stop wanting what it wants, but to seek hard for what it really wants.