the whirlwind has ceased. for now... and so here's the story. the story of lynnley and our great big God.
I haven't written a ton about my pregnancy with her, and while I feel a little guilty about it, there just hasn't been that much to tell. I got fat, I felt ok, everything was fine. the Lord was good to me and provided so much peace, so much less anxiety than we had when we were pregnant with brooks. there wasn't anything to process, and so, for me that translates into not much to write about.
and then one day, things weren't as ok.
just like with brooks, lynnley's growth started to be an issue. at around 32 weeks, she entered a time of less and less growth, namely because of the smallness of my uterus (since there are two, they're smaller than normal). as time went on, she became less and less a fan of her ever-shrinking space, and we started undergoing twice weekly testing to make sure she was safe. all of the testing was fairly uneventful, and our doctor planned to deliver her via C-section at 37 weeks, a time he chose for her to be fully developed, but soon enough that the lack of space wouldn't continue to impede her growth. with our C-section scheduled for October 29, we went in on the 26th, our thirteenth wedding anniversary, for the last testing session. Jeremy had been attending a conference that day (instead of being at his school), and was able to come to the appointment with me, something that seemed coincidental at the time, but turned out to be God's grace in action. shortly after they strapped me into the monitors to listen and watch our baby's heart rate for a while, things began to happen. lynnley's heart rate dropped suddenly to the 70's, and stayed there for almost three minutes. nurses came running, and they started moving me all around, trying to stimulate my little girl so that her heart rate would come back up. it happened so quickly...and yet all in slow motion. I found myself crying and very afraid as they called for an ambulance to take us to the hospital.
her heart rate stabilized before we left in the ambulance, but the ambulance was not equipped with fetal heart monitoring, so we rode "lights and sirens" in the pouring rain all the way to Vanderbilt. Jeremy left in his car, calling my parents, making arrangements for brooks. he stole my phone, actually, and all I could think was that this was my one chance to take a selfie in an ambulance and I didn't have my phone! being in the back of an ambulance, as a patient, isn't something I care to ever do again. they took great care of me, but it's just pretty scary. I began a prayer on repeat...praying for lynnley's safety, for our safety in the ambulance, for Jeremy's safety driving, and for all the other cars on the road. I prayed it, and prayed it, and prayed it again.
when we got to the hospital, lynnley had three more episodes of heart rate decelerations, and it became clear that we were going to get to meet her that night. blessedly, my doctor was already at the hospital, my family arrived shortly thereafter, and every kind nurse available was working that night. at 6:36 pm, lynnley made her entrance into this world, weighing 4 lbs, 5 oz, screaming her head off. my blood pressure doesn't enjoy C-sections, and there were some difficult, anxiety-filled moments as the doctors worked to stabilize it and my husband...bless him...he was so scared for us, so concerned, so full of love for his family.
we saw her beautiful, perfect little face briefly, and then she was off to the nursery, and then to the NICU. my worst fear of my baby requiring the NICU was coming true...but again, my God is God, and even this turned into blessing upon blessing. lynnley was in the NICU for unstable glucoses and jaundice that required phototherapy, both things that aren't a big deal in the scheme of things. there are a million worse things that could have been happening to my daughter, things that happen to other babies and families every day. we were so fortunate, but in our little world, things were still feeling somewhat out of control. lynnley spent a week in the NICU. the Lord blessed us with some of the kindest, sweetest nurses, people who ministered to me emotionally, and took excellent care of our girl. one in particular noticed that her IV wasn't looking good, took it out, and instead of replacing it, took the initiative to see how she would do without it, without the glucose fluid that she was requiring. the short version is that the weaning process of getting her off of that fluid was a long one, one that would have taken days, but because that nurse took a chance, and because the Lord is faithful, lynnley didn't require any further glucose fluid, shortening our hospital stay by several days. over and over, as I prayed for God to help her eat enough to keep her glucoses stable, He worked. actively, immediately, and repeatedly, He allowed and made things happen that brought about healing and restoration for lynnley's body and for our hearts. having to walk to the NICU multiple times a day/night to feed my baby brought about quicker healing to my own body and allowed me to enjoy some of the sweetest moments with my new daughter. not having a baby that people could visit gave Jeremy and I time to ourselves, time to pray and reflect and just be, all things we didn't know we needed.
when I got discharged before lynnley did, and had to leave her at the hospital to go home, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, and I hope to never have to experience my babies being hospitalized ever again. but coming home without her allowed me time to adjust and be with our son, just us and him, after several days of not seeing him, and this, too, turned out to be something we didn't know we needed, but desperately did.
bringing lynnley home was a sweet, sweet day. to be all together, all four of us, was balm to my heart. brooks adores her, and while a little rough at times (as a three-year-old boy will be), he talks so sweetly to "his baby", calling her his "lynnley girl". i never knew i needed a baby girl... but He knew. God knew our family was not complete, and i'm so thankful that He gave me the time to come to my senses and ask for Him to complete our family in such a beautiful, perfect way. our lynnley weston is perfect. she's so pretty, so precious. we are beyond blessed and so, so grateful that God cares about our hearts, our tiny little girl, and about all the details that came along the way.
