wanted: one small zipper

until recently, we've been fortunate enough to get ultrasounds every two weeks. my last one was two weeks ago and i'm not scheduled for another one for 4-6 weeks. it's killing me!

every time i post about what's going on in my oven, i want to open the oven door and check to make sure everything's cookin' alright! i have a solution to my problem...i just need a zipper. it can be a small one. just something big enough for me to unzip my belly, have a quick look in the oven, say hi, ask a few questions (primarily, "are you ok?" and "are you a boy or a girl?"), and then zip back up. i don't think that's too much to ask...

mommy loves you little one! if you could start working on a zipper for me, that'd be great!

part of the journey

since our journey to being parents began, i have been writing here, on my blog, and have also been journaling. the journal i keep is really a collection of letters to my child, who until recently, i thought would come through adoption. i have been struggling with what to do with it since finding out we were pregnant.

our call to adoption was unmistakeable. and i don't believe it's over. the day that i finally asked God for what my heart had been longing for, the prayer included two children, one through conception and one through adoption. and although pieces of His plan seem to be unfolding, i am not yet sure what it will look like or how it will turn out.

we are ecstatic, and that's putting it mildly, to be pregnant. these almost-fourteen weeks have been a blessing from God, and we can't wait to meet our baby. i feel a special need to communicate to this child how much he/she is wanted, how loved, how prayed for...and the best way for me to do that is through my words. the journal i have been writing in is really to our adopted child. i started it during that process, have prayed specifically for that child and it's birth family, and i don't feel right binding the two processes together. they are both very sacred to me. both decisions, the decision to pursue adoption and the decision to continue pursuing conception, came at a great spiritual and emotional cost, and i feel like both children, the one in my belly and the one i have yet to know, deserve their own stories. certainly, they are forever connected, but special in their own individual ways, much like the children themselves will be.

i believe there will be a second child (heck, there could be more than that, given my ability to predict the future...). i don't believe we were called to adoption, only to lay it down the moment we conceived. and it's not that i am focused on the future...who knows what that holds. but in my heart, i am already the mother to both of these children. i can't explain it, but it's something i feel very deeply. so i am closing the journal of letters to my adopted child...until the day God calls us to pick it back up again. and i am starting a new one to the baby inside of me...i hope that one day these two will share their stories with one another and that both will know of the unconditional love of their Father in heaven, and of the magnitude of love we have for them.

new look, bad grammar

as you, my faithful readers, may have noticed, i have recently changed the title of my blog. i thought it was more reflective of my life and honestly, i thought it was pretty cute (i can't take credit...the mom-in-law came up with it). i must tell you that i am acutely aware that "uteruses" is not grammatically correct. it pains me, actually. according to webster's, the correct plural of uterus is uteri. but that just doesn't sound like very much fun. and two uteruses has been nothing if not fun... if "uteruses" was a word, it would probably have more s's anyway...oh well. i said i like good grammar, not that i always use it!

hope you like the redo.

not that i'm complaining...

a friend of mine was asking how i had been feeling lately. usually when i am asked this question, i say "oh, fine" and go on about my way. for some reason, i decided to indulge myself a bit and waxed poetic about the ails of pregnancy.

thank the good Lord my constant nausea is gone. i do not miss it. it has, however, been replaced by the every-now-and-then nausea (usually at night) and a lovely amount of gas (don't worry...it doesn't go anywhere. it just sits in my tummy and makes me miserable).

i find it remarkable that my little peach-sized baby seems to be taking up so much room in the nest. i typically lounge in a curled-up little ball, feet to one side, leaning over to the other. no longer... it's not that my belly's too big (no comments, please)...i just can't actually breathe when i do that. this feeling of atelectasis (look it up) and low lung volumes causes me to stretch out in ridiculous positions, head hanging off the couch if need be, just to get comfortable and feel like i can take a deep breath! my husband is amused...he was previously unaware that he had married a contortionist.

sleeping is weird too. i'm supposed to lay on my left side (better blood flow to the peach), but i am kind of a stomach/right side sleeper (or at least, i used to be). so i basically flip around all night, from the right side to my back to the left side and then start all over again. for some reason, when i lay on my back, i can feel my heart beating...so much so that it keeps me awake. add to that the new routine of getting up three times (at 12, 4, and 6) to pee and the 5-6 dreams i am having each night (sorry for all the talking in my sleep, honey), and well...you can see why maybe i'm a little cranky sometimes.

additionally, my hormones have decided that three migraines a week might be something i could use right now, so that's adding a little extra fun to the mix.
all together, it's good times all around. and while i am not loving all these side effects, i do actually love being pregnant and am truly enjoying seeing our baby grow and grow.

i love you little peachy pie...make yourself at home. i'll get over it in a few months.

a glimpse into the future

my sweet husband took me on a babymoon this week (it's like a honeymoon...but since it's probably our last trip before the baby comes, it's called a babymoon. just think about it...).

we went to a quaint little bed and breakfast in chattanooga (the chanticleer inn on top of lookout mountain). the food was delicious, the pool was refreshing (although a tad on the noisy side), and getting away from normalcy for a couple of days with my favorite person was nice and relaxing. we read books, we took naps, and we tested our phobias.

i am not a fan of enclosed spaces. i can do it...i just don't like to. the tighter the space, the more agitated i get. we took a little cave tour and i strugged with some of the more narrow passageways. jeremy tried soothe me...i bit his head off. fun was had by all.

while i do not find it humorous AT ALL to make fun of my claustrophobia, i do find it fairly entertaining to witness my poor husband's fear of heights (that's terrible, i know...). it's a serious fear, and we tested it out at rock city. just for giggles, i took the path that said there was a swinging bridge up ahead...i knew we would never make it across, but i suppose i was feeling mischevious. i don't think my foot even made it onto the bridge before i heard a very serious "don't you dare take a step. that thing is moving" from behind me. you see, his fears aren't just for himself. he doesn't want me to be on high places either...especially swinging high places.

i obediently backed up and we took an alternate route...only to find ourselves face to face with lover's leap, the point from which you can see seven states at the same time. it's not a ledge, per se, but it is a very high cliff. jeremy flatly refused to go out onto it, despite the railings, and he begged me not to either. i politely declined (it sounded something like, "i paid 20 bucks...i'm going out there") and when i had reached the limit he had mentally set for me, he showed me how great of a father he is going to be.

he assumed the position of pointing down beside him (to show me where i needed to be), made a very mean growly face, and yelled "you get back over here!" for all to hear. it was hilarious. he was dead serious, as he never yells, and i stayed out a few seconds longer before deciding it might be good for me to do as i was being told. he hugged me like i had nearly died when i got beside him...and then he realized all the people around us were laughing.

safely back under my husband's care, we both started laughing along with the rest of the people. the memory of him yelling at me with that face, and the pointing...i will always laugh and i can't wait to see it when he does it to our child! hopefully, this little one will be more obedient than its mother!

better than elmer's

there's a song that says:
can You hold me together
can Your love reach down this far
can You hold me together
'cause without You holding my heart
i'm falling apart

i have listened to this song many times via my local Christian radio station and i've always taken the "hold me together" part metaphorically, as i would imagine the author meant for me to. however, with all the miracles occurring daily in my belly, i have begun to claim the promise of being held together by the hands of God quite literally.

i have a bit of an imagination, and i have always pictured the ways of God in things that just make sense to me. every time i hear this song, i picture my baby, sitting in His hands, being molded and created bit by bit, fingernail by fingernail, blood vessel by blood vessel. if you've seen pinnochio, i see something like gepetto carving, sanding, and painting little pinnochio. it's a beautiful fulfillment of jeremiah 1:5, "before I formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you." it comforts me and helps me trust.

i also picture myself in the hands of God. my body, by medical standards, is broken and imperfect. and yet He has allowed me to carry this tiny miracle inside of me. i have always believed in miracles in a broad sense. now, it's very personal to me. yes, God loves us enough to give us our own little miracle! that's amazing...i can't really even comprehend that kind of love. and i know that He is molding me, spiritually and physically, to carry this baby. i can't imagine the nuts and bolts being moved, created, rearranged daily to accommodate this beautiful baby inside of me. i picture God's hands on my belly, holding my hands, and cradling my heart.

i am in awe of what He is doing in my life. i am so thankful, so blessed. He is holding me together. His love does reach down that far.