i had my post-partum checkup this week. after checking my incision and making sure i wasn't depressed, my doctor and i started talking about the events that occurred during my c-section. he had leaned over the sterile drape during the OR and told me that it was a miracle i had two healthy babies. i didn't think much of it at the time. we know they're miracles. this wasn't breaking news to us. but as we were chatting in his office, he said some things i wasn't expecting. he said that my placenta had been one of the most pitiful he had seen, and that lynnley's umbilical cord was tiny, "skinny"... and then he dropped a bomb. he said that if her heart decelerations had occurred anywhere other than at the doctor's office when i was being monitored, we would have delivered a still-born baby.
just writing that gives me pause. i have to catch my breath a little bit and swallow down the urge to throw up. and in the doctor's office as i breathed "thank you Jesus" and tried not to cry, he laughed and said, "you have your two...move on!"
lynnley was so prayed for in the months leading up to her birth. by our family, our church, everyone we knew, essentially. she was prayed for specifically... for her growth, her health, that everything would work for her good and God's glory. in fact, that's one of the things i was praying in the ambulance... for her good and His glory. it's scripture my dad reminded me of during my pregnancy with brooks...that He works all things for our good and His glory (to them who are called according to His purpose)... he said it at the time to give me hope, and it did. but over the years, i've found myself saying it as a prayer, that God would work things for my good (or whomever's i'm praying for at the time) and His glory. our God has been so faithful in taking care of our precious children. i am blown away and extremely humbled by the miracles He has wrought in their lives, in their bodies, in mine.
and yet i have to ask the questions... would He be any less faithful if He hadn't worked these miracles? would He still be the good Father i know Him to be? what if He hadn't spared my children...would this, too, be for my good and His glory?
the answer is yes. and while i can't wrap my mind around how i would live life under these circumstances, i know that even in that, He would still be good. that He would still be working for my good and His glory, because i love Him and am called to follow Him. His faithfulness isn't dependent on Him doing what i want. it is only dependent upon God being God, which He is in all situations, at all times, every minute of every day. and yes, it's easier to say this having received some mighty big blessings...and i don't always trust, even though i know these things. but God is good. all the time. He is faithful and just and merciful and full of grace. and He has done miraculous things and is doing them still.
there are so many times in our lives that He rescues us, saves us, keeps us from harm, emotionally, physically...so many times that we are unaware of. and this glimpse that i got this week into what He saved us from, into the answered prayers i didn't even know to pray... i can hardly stand the thought of the glory this brings to Him. it's no wonder the bible says every knee will bow. when we meet Jesus, we will be in absolute awe. when we get to know everything that He spared us from... we will fall to our faces, worshiping the one true God.
i heard a song recently at our nephew's violin recital called "He's Always Been Faithful to Me" by Sara Groves. you can listen to it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTLfQ05Otk0
this song is so representative of His hand in my life, but my favorite is the last verse, which says "this is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories i've heard for so long"... i've grown up believing in God's goodness, but mostly just on faith. so getting the opportunity to see in the flesh that this is true.. it's just amazing and beautiful, and i say it a lot, but we are so blessed.
He's always been faithful to me.
