it's been almost two weeks since our sweet brooks came screaming into the world. they say having a baby changes your life. they are right.
sure, there's the "up all night", the feedings, the diapers, the crying...that's a given. then there's all the things they don't tell you (i can't tell you here...it would break the code of silence). and then there are the changes that happen to your heart.
i would die for this little person. no questions asked. no hesitation. and i am pretty sure i could kill a wild animal with my bare hands if necessary to protect him. he eats, poops, sleeps, cries, and looks at me with those huge eyes...and my heart and life have been forever changed. i have been surprised and impressed by the intensity of my love for him. i'm not sure i can even describe it, really. but it's been somewhat overwhelming...in a great way, but something i am having to adjust to. i thought i felt such a huge amount of love for him when i was carrying him in my belly, and i did, but now that he's here...i just can't put it into words.
this little boy is exactly what we prayed and longed for. our family feels so complete. it's funny...we never asked God for anyone specific. we didn't ask for dark hair (well, i kinda asked for him to look like my sweet husband...), we didn't specify a boy or girl, we didn't ask for a particular personality, eye color, whose nose he would have. honestly, we didn't know to. but God knew. He gave us exactly what our hearts wanted, abundantly and extravagantly, beyond what we even knew to ask for. he is perfect and he is perfect for our family.
in retrospect, the long road here seems traumatic to me. at the time, it was scary. we were scared for thirty-eight long weeks and two days. and then experiencing the emergent c-section...that was terrifying. i felt so helpless, unable to move, unable to do anything to save our baby. even now that it's all over, i am having a hard time dealing with all we have been through. it scares me still. and yet, God is using that to continue teaching me things. He is not a God of fear. He has shown me that time and time again, but satan uses fear as a way to rob us of the joys God has for us. not this time, satan. my son is one of the biggest blessings of my life (second only to my salvation and my husband) and fear is not going to keep me from enjoying every second of our lives together. His provision has allowed us these blessings, and His hands are ever present in brooks's life and in ours. there is no reason to fear the past or the present. i believe that...just have to pray for the courage and strength to live it.
motherhood is amazing. i don't quite have it all down yet, but my sweet child is patient with me and my husband is a wealth of knowledge (who knew?!) and together we are figuring it out. i feel so blessed, so happy. merry christmas to us.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
and what a day it was
this is our brooks.
he was born on 12/13/11 at 8:50 am and weighed 5lbs, 5oz. he was 17 3/4 in. long.
i will never forget this day, not a single minute of it.
our planned c-section turned into yet another time for God to show me that He is God.
the medical team had just given me my epidural and started the medicine that would allow me to be numb but awake for the birth of my son. a few minutes into the numbing, my worst nightmare began happening before my eyes. my little boy's heart rate dropped dramatically as the medicine they were giving me caused my blood pressure to decrease, preventing him from getting the bloodflow he had come to rely upon. as reassuring nurses began making frantic phone calls, they rushed to finish prepping me for the surgery. it is only by the grace of God that i was numb enough to avoid needing general anesthesia. i am told there were people running down the hospital halls, trying to get to us quickly. as i laid there on the operating room table, staring at the ceiling, with tears rolling down my face, i begged God for one more miracle. i heard myself saying out loud, "You can't do this to me, this can't happen." my heart was terrified as i could see that my little boy wasn't improving on the monitors, and all i could pray was that God would spare us one more time, that He would allow us this precious baby. my husband was brought in quickly. he too was praying as he tried to reassure me that God had it under control. the surgeon rushed in, quickly made my incision, and had my little one out in two minutes. there was an agonizing few minutes that followed while they gave brooks oxygen and a few breaths to stimulate his little body to recover.
they say that hearing your baby cry for the first time is life changing. that is the largest understatement i have ever heard. my tears of fear, grief, and pleading turned to sobs of pure joy, gratitude, relief, and happiness as brooks cried his first loud cry that told me everything was ok. jeremy and i shared some very sweet moments as we waited to get to see him. he was summoned over to the bassinet to meet his son and i heard him cry, "he's beautiful!". shortly after he brought our son over to meet me, his mother. we thanked our Lord for further proof of His hand in our lives as a family.
our journey has just begun. thank you Father. thank you more than i could ever express.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
to brooks: part three
today is the day.
it's your birthday!
we have hardly slept a wink and in less than four hours, we will be holding you in our arms (at least, that's the current plan...). i can hardly believe this day is really here. after all the worries, all the false alarms, all the uncomfortable days...we really get to meet you today.
again, i am overwhelmed by God's goodness, His provision, His sovereignty, His blessing. we have done nothing to deserve the gift that is you, but in His love and kindess, He has seen fit to bless us anyway and we are so thankful.
because you are coming around Christmastime, i have thought a lot about what mary must have been thinking and feeling near the time that Jesus was born. i don't mean to imply that our journey is akin to that of the woman who was chosen to bear God's only Son...but just as mothers, i wonder how our thoughts would intersect. we know from the Bible that she was afraid. she was concerned about her circumstances. she and joseph weren't married at the time, so that made things difficult. they had so far to travel, both emotionally and physically, to get to where God wanted them. and they made that entire journey on faith alone, after hearing from an angel.
i'd like to say we've been that faithful, but it simply isn't true. we have doubted and questioned. even this morning, as i was walking rookie and tucker, i was praying out loud, asking God to help me with my fears, my anxiety. the birth of Jesus was surrounded by God's glory, His birth and life a perfect testimony to the plan of the Father. you won't be a perfect child (although i bet you'll be pretty darn close) and we won't be perfect parents...but my prayer today for you on your birthday is that your birth will bring glory to God. this journey, our story of how we got to you, is full of miracle and wonder and amazement, and i pray that we get to tell it over and over again so that others will know of the power of our God. i pray that your life will be full of blessing, that you will walk in His ways from an early age, and that we, as a family, will live in a way that shows the glory of God and our love for Him.
it's a beautiful day to come into the world. thirteen is your dad's lucky baseball number (if there is such a thing). it's crisp and cold outside and we should all be home for Christmas. your whole family will be there this morning, Gram and Papa Dale, aunt Liz, Grandaddy and Nana, Gigi and Poppa (they are probably already there, waiting on us), aunt Tida and uncle Mark and Scarlet, Lily, and Luke, Mama and maybe Meme and Pa. they are all so excited to meet you and there will be many more friends and loved ones coming through the next days and weeks to see you...a little like the journey of the wise men to bethlehem to see baby Jesus (maybe we'll even get some myrrh out of it!).
we are so excited. we are so thankful. you, baby boy, are so very loved and wanted. i hope we remember every second of today. i hope it goes by slowly so we can keep up. welcome to the world little one. welcome to our family. we love you.
see you really soon!!!!
love always, mom and dad
it's your birthday!
we have hardly slept a wink and in less than four hours, we will be holding you in our arms (at least, that's the current plan...). i can hardly believe this day is really here. after all the worries, all the false alarms, all the uncomfortable days...we really get to meet you today.
again, i am overwhelmed by God's goodness, His provision, His sovereignty, His blessing. we have done nothing to deserve the gift that is you, but in His love and kindess, He has seen fit to bless us anyway and we are so thankful.
because you are coming around Christmastime, i have thought a lot about what mary must have been thinking and feeling near the time that Jesus was born. i don't mean to imply that our journey is akin to that of the woman who was chosen to bear God's only Son...but just as mothers, i wonder how our thoughts would intersect. we know from the Bible that she was afraid. she was concerned about her circumstances. she and joseph weren't married at the time, so that made things difficult. they had so far to travel, both emotionally and physically, to get to where God wanted them. and they made that entire journey on faith alone, after hearing from an angel.
i'd like to say we've been that faithful, but it simply isn't true. we have doubted and questioned. even this morning, as i was walking rookie and tucker, i was praying out loud, asking God to help me with my fears, my anxiety. the birth of Jesus was surrounded by God's glory, His birth and life a perfect testimony to the plan of the Father. you won't be a perfect child (although i bet you'll be pretty darn close) and we won't be perfect parents...but my prayer today for you on your birthday is that your birth will bring glory to God. this journey, our story of how we got to you, is full of miracle and wonder and amazement, and i pray that we get to tell it over and over again so that others will know of the power of our God. i pray that your life will be full of blessing, that you will walk in His ways from an early age, and that we, as a family, will live in a way that shows the glory of God and our love for Him.
it's a beautiful day to come into the world. thirteen is your dad's lucky baseball number (if there is such a thing). it's crisp and cold outside and we should all be home for Christmas. your whole family will be there this morning, Gram and Papa Dale, aunt Liz, Grandaddy and Nana, Gigi and Poppa (they are probably already there, waiting on us), aunt Tida and uncle Mark and Scarlet, Lily, and Luke, Mama and maybe Meme and Pa. they are all so excited to meet you and there will be many more friends and loved ones coming through the next days and weeks to see you...a little like the journey of the wise men to bethlehem to see baby Jesus (maybe we'll even get some myrrh out of it!).
we are so excited. we are so thankful. you, baby boy, are so very loved and wanted. i hope we remember every second of today. i hope it goes by slowly so we can keep up. welcome to the world little one. welcome to our family. we love you.
see you really soon!!!!
love always, mom and dad
Sunday, December 11, 2011
to brooks: part two
ok little one...apparently you are done in the middle but still need to brown a little on the top...because you are still in my belly!!
we have been to the hospital three times since i last wrote you. yes, three times. once for high blood pressure that didn't stay high. once because i couldn't feel you kicking, got scared to death, and then felt you like crazy the second we got there and were told all was fine. and once today as a follow up to the first time. all three times, you were hanging out, looking perfect, snug as a bug in a rug in my tummy.
and so, we wait. i'd like to think that by the time you are old enough to read this, i will have developed into a person who is really patient and good at waiting. somehow, i doubt this is true, but it would be nice. i am not currently very patient. your dad has had his hands full dealing with my ever-fluctuating emotions and rushing me to and from the hospital these last three days. we were comical the first day...we showed up with an entourage of all of our family. everyone was so excited thinking we were finally going to get to see you! but apparently, that is not quite God's plan just yet.
and that's ok. we have prayed from the beginning that you would be healthy and that He would keep you inside of me as long as possible to make sure that you would be safe when you come out. obviously, He is actively answering that prayer. we are selfish and want you out sooner, but His plan is always best (remember that one...it's always true), and even in light of our new pleas (that sound something like "let him out, please!!!!"), our God continues to be faithful in doing what is best for you, what is best for us, and what will bring Him the most glory. the current plan is to probably get to see you on december 19, and the next eight days will be long and hard for us as God develops our patience.
know this, little brooks. you continue to be worth the wait. and we will wait as long as we have to. all we want is to hold healthy, sweet little you in our arms. whenever that happens, it happens, and we'll all be just fine until then. we love you sweet boy. see you soon (ish...)!
love, mom and dad
we have been to the hospital three times since i last wrote you. yes, three times. once for high blood pressure that didn't stay high. once because i couldn't feel you kicking, got scared to death, and then felt you like crazy the second we got there and were told all was fine. and once today as a follow up to the first time. all three times, you were hanging out, looking perfect, snug as a bug in a rug in my tummy.
and so, we wait. i'd like to think that by the time you are old enough to read this, i will have developed into a person who is really patient and good at waiting. somehow, i doubt this is true, but it would be nice. i am not currently very patient. your dad has had his hands full dealing with my ever-fluctuating emotions and rushing me to and from the hospital these last three days. we were comical the first day...we showed up with an entourage of all of our family. everyone was so excited thinking we were finally going to get to see you! but apparently, that is not quite God's plan just yet.
and that's ok. we have prayed from the beginning that you would be healthy and that He would keep you inside of me as long as possible to make sure that you would be safe when you come out. obviously, He is actively answering that prayer. we are selfish and want you out sooner, but His plan is always best (remember that one...it's always true), and even in light of our new pleas (that sound something like "let him out, please!!!!"), our God continues to be faithful in doing what is best for you, what is best for us, and what will bring Him the most glory. the current plan is to probably get to see you on december 19, and the next eight days will be long and hard for us as God develops our patience.
know this, little brooks. you continue to be worth the wait. and we will wait as long as we have to. all we want is to hold healthy, sweet little you in our arms. whenever that happens, it happens, and we'll all be just fine until then. we love you sweet boy. see you soon (ish...)!
love, mom and dad
Thursday, December 8, 2011
to brooks
today is the day before we might finally get to meet you. it's just a regular thursday. i am supposed to be working (but i'm not...still in my pajamas actually...). your dad's at work (i think he made it on time this morning! no small thing...). rookie and tucker are running around barking their heads off (if you have any odd memories of loud noises from the womb, they would be the culprits). it's cold outside, but the sun is out today so all the spruce trees around our yard are frosty and pretty with a layer of fog rolling around behind them. i have the fireplace on and it's nice and cozy inside. it's almost christmas, so the tree is up, your stocking is full of goodies, rudolph's christmas town is out in full force, and the nativity is backlit the way your dad likes it. there are colored lights on the mailbox and rosebush as well as on the tree by the door. we even have a little tree in your room, just waiting for you to come home to.
years from now, if you ever read about all the days leading up to you, i want you to know what today was like for us. God may decide to keep you in my tummy a little longer, but if not, then you will be here tomorrow. it's a miracle that you've stayed in there as long as you have. some doctors told us not to try to have a baby. then we had two miscarriages. we started trying to adopt, thinking that we would never be able to carry a child ourselves.
and then there was you.
we found out in april 2011 that we were pregnant with you. since then, we've had lots of tests, lots of ultrasounds, and through lots of prayers God has proven all the doctors wrong. you are healthy, you are strong, you have a great head of hair (from what we can tell), and you are perfectly made in the image of Christ. your dad and i have had to work on having faith in God's plan, as not every day has been easy. there have been days we thought you might not make it, days we worried we might never get to see you. but our God has been so faithful and has "supplied our every need" just like He talks about in His word. through our experience of being pregnant with you, He has shown us grace, mercy, and compassion beyond anything we even asked for. He has blessed our hearts and lives tremendously just by allowing us to be your parents.
you, son, are so very loved. we don't know what you're going to look like. we don't know how tall you'll be, if you'll be good at sports or school or piano or basket weaving. we don't know if you'll be fiesty, easygoing, or somewhere in between. frankly, we don't care. we love you. we love you more than i could ever express in words...it's something your dad and i both felt and knew the instant we knew we had you in my tummy. you are our beautiful and precious gift from God, and there is nothing on this earth that could ever make us not love you.
even better than that, though, is that Jesus loves you. hopefully, this isn't the first time you've heard that, but i want to make sure you understand. He has given you a life here, with us, because He wants to have a relationship with you. He is a better Father than even your awesome dad could ever be. He knows you inside and out because He created you. He knows your good moments, your bad ones, and all the ones in between...and He loves you no matter what. i hope by the time you read this that you have a relationship with Him, one in which you've experienced the ways His love can make a difference in your life. if not, then know that we are praying for you to come to know Him and that He longs to love on you the way that only He can.
we are so excited to meet you tomorrow. we have dreamed of that moment, prayed for the chance to have our sweet baby boy in our arms, to hear your cry and to see your face. i doubt we'll be able to sleep tonight...and you probably won't let us sleep much for a while, but that's ok. no matter what happens tomorrow or in the coming years, know that you are worth it. every second we have had with you, every moment we will get with you in the future...you have been worth the wait little one. we don't understand everything that happened before you came to be, but all of it led up to you, and that makes it all ok. God's plan is beautiful like that...it doesn't always make sense to us, but when we rest in it, it turns the pain and the confusion into something beautiful and perfect. you are the beautiful and the perfect. our miracle baby. our blessing that makes our cup overflow.
we can't wait to meet you tomorrow, brooks. in case you get confused, we'll be the ones crying and laughing and maybe passing out on the floor. we'll be the ones you call mom and dad. we'll be your parents. and we will be the most blessed people in the world. 1 Peter 3:7 says that we are "heirs together of the grace of life". though we don't deserve it, we are all heirs together, all three of us, of the grace of life that Christ gives. our lives, your life...it's all a gift from Him.
thank you Lord, for our brooks. watch over him tomorrow, bring him safely into this world. protect him. set him apart for You. equip us to love him perfectly. hold us together as only You can. we love him, Lord, and we love You. thank You for Your blessings, for miracle after miracle. thank You for brooks. thank You for our son.
we love you sweet boy. see you tomorrow!
love always, mom and dad
years from now, if you ever read about all the days leading up to you, i want you to know what today was like for us. God may decide to keep you in my tummy a little longer, but if not, then you will be here tomorrow. it's a miracle that you've stayed in there as long as you have. some doctors told us not to try to have a baby. then we had two miscarriages. we started trying to adopt, thinking that we would never be able to carry a child ourselves.
and then there was you.
we found out in april 2011 that we were pregnant with you. since then, we've had lots of tests, lots of ultrasounds, and through lots of prayers God has proven all the doctors wrong. you are healthy, you are strong, you have a great head of hair (from what we can tell), and you are perfectly made in the image of Christ. your dad and i have had to work on having faith in God's plan, as not every day has been easy. there have been days we thought you might not make it, days we worried we might never get to see you. but our God has been so faithful and has "supplied our every need" just like He talks about in His word. through our experience of being pregnant with you, He has shown us grace, mercy, and compassion beyond anything we even asked for. He has blessed our hearts and lives tremendously just by allowing us to be your parents.
you, son, are so very loved. we don't know what you're going to look like. we don't know how tall you'll be, if you'll be good at sports or school or piano or basket weaving. we don't know if you'll be fiesty, easygoing, or somewhere in between. frankly, we don't care. we love you. we love you more than i could ever express in words...it's something your dad and i both felt and knew the instant we knew we had you in my tummy. you are our beautiful and precious gift from God, and there is nothing on this earth that could ever make us not love you.
even better than that, though, is that Jesus loves you. hopefully, this isn't the first time you've heard that, but i want to make sure you understand. He has given you a life here, with us, because He wants to have a relationship with you. He is a better Father than even your awesome dad could ever be. He knows you inside and out because He created you. He knows your good moments, your bad ones, and all the ones in between...and He loves you no matter what. i hope by the time you read this that you have a relationship with Him, one in which you've experienced the ways His love can make a difference in your life. if not, then know that we are praying for you to come to know Him and that He longs to love on you the way that only He can.
we are so excited to meet you tomorrow. we have dreamed of that moment, prayed for the chance to have our sweet baby boy in our arms, to hear your cry and to see your face. i doubt we'll be able to sleep tonight...and you probably won't let us sleep much for a while, but that's ok. no matter what happens tomorrow or in the coming years, know that you are worth it. every second we have had with you, every moment we will get with you in the future...you have been worth the wait little one. we don't understand everything that happened before you came to be, but all of it led up to you, and that makes it all ok. God's plan is beautiful like that...it doesn't always make sense to us, but when we rest in it, it turns the pain and the confusion into something beautiful and perfect. you are the beautiful and the perfect. our miracle baby. our blessing that makes our cup overflow.
we can't wait to meet you tomorrow, brooks. in case you get confused, we'll be the ones crying and laughing and maybe passing out on the floor. we'll be the ones you call mom and dad. we'll be your parents. and we will be the most blessed people in the world. 1 Peter 3:7 says that we are "heirs together of the grace of life". though we don't deserve it, we are all heirs together, all three of us, of the grace of life that Christ gives. our lives, your life...it's all a gift from Him.
thank you Lord, for our brooks. watch over him tomorrow, bring him safely into this world. protect him. set him apart for You. equip us to love him perfectly. hold us together as only You can. we love him, Lord, and we love You. thank You for Your blessings, for miracle after miracle. thank You for brooks. thank You for our son.
we love you sweet boy. see you tomorrow!
love always, mom and dad
tomorrow??!!
i don't have anything profound to say. nothing fancy. no lifechanging revelations to share.
but we might be having our brooks tomorrow.
holy.
freaking.
heck.
i can't even form words beyond that. so excited. so nervous. so thankful. so excited (did i mention that?). if things look better than we expect tomorrow, we'll check again on monday and you can read this blog over again on sunday night. if we haven't had him by then, i'll try to come up with something a little more eloquent.
until then...please keep us in your prayers. our little guy is still really little (just over 5 lbs) and running out of amniotic fluid (thus the reason he may be making his entrance tomorrow). please pray for his lungs, that they will be strong (we got to see him practice breathing in utero yesterday...very cool). pray for his brain, that it will be developed appropriately. pray for his little body and his beautiful heart, that he will be perfectly equipped for what God has for him in his life with us. and pray for his unprepared, scared to death, about to lose it with excitement and hopefulness parents (that's us...). we have waited for what feels like so long (ok, now i'm getting emotional and wordy...). we have prayed and begged God for this exceptional miracle. the thought of finally holding him, seeing him, hearing him cry is beyond what our imagination can even manage to imagine. i haven't loved being pregnant, but i have loved every second of carrying this boy, this miraculous, beautiful child. the bond we feel and the amount of love both jeremy and i have for brooks is incredible, particularly given the fact that we've never even met him. that God works in a parent's heart like that is one of my favorite God things...that was a good idea He had...
many of you ask us regularly, "how's our boy doing?" or "when is our baby coming?" then you laugh and apologize and rephrase to say "your boy" or "your baby". it's ok. we get it. even those of you not related to us do it, and it always makes me smile. you have all prayed us up to and through these coming days; we couldn't have made it without you. you love us, you love our baby, and we hope that seeing God work in our lives has blessed you the way that you have blessed us. don't stop praying for us. we're going to need it now more than ever. brooks is going to need you in his life, helping shape the person he is meant to be.
we can hardly wait for you to meet him. and it just might be tomorrow!
we love you all.
but we might be having our brooks tomorrow.
holy.
freaking.
heck.
i can't even form words beyond that. so excited. so nervous. so thankful. so excited (did i mention that?). if things look better than we expect tomorrow, we'll check again on monday and you can read this blog over again on sunday night. if we haven't had him by then, i'll try to come up with something a little more eloquent.
until then...please keep us in your prayers. our little guy is still really little (just over 5 lbs) and running out of amniotic fluid (thus the reason he may be making his entrance tomorrow). please pray for his lungs, that they will be strong (we got to see him practice breathing in utero yesterday...very cool). pray for his brain, that it will be developed appropriately. pray for his little body and his beautiful heart, that he will be perfectly equipped for what God has for him in his life with us. and pray for his unprepared, scared to death, about to lose it with excitement and hopefulness parents (that's us...). we have waited for what feels like so long (ok, now i'm getting emotional and wordy...). we have prayed and begged God for this exceptional miracle. the thought of finally holding him, seeing him, hearing him cry is beyond what our imagination can even manage to imagine. i haven't loved being pregnant, but i have loved every second of carrying this boy, this miraculous, beautiful child. the bond we feel and the amount of love both jeremy and i have for brooks is incredible, particularly given the fact that we've never even met him. that God works in a parent's heart like that is one of my favorite God things...that was a good idea He had...
many of you ask us regularly, "how's our boy doing?" or "when is our baby coming?" then you laugh and apologize and rephrase to say "your boy" or "your baby". it's ok. we get it. even those of you not related to us do it, and it always makes me smile. you have all prayed us up to and through these coming days; we couldn't have made it without you. you love us, you love our baby, and we hope that seeing God work in our lives has blessed you the way that you have blessed us. don't stop praying for us. we're going to need it now more than ever. brooks is going to need you in his life, helping shape the person he is meant to be.
we can hardly wait for you to meet him. and it just might be tomorrow!
we love you all.
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