big prayers

"everything looks normal".

after the doctor said this, we blinked. there was silence. she smiled. we smiled. i cried.

we weren't expecting normal. after all my talk of trusting God, praying for what our hearts desire, asking for His hand in our lives, i still wasn't expecting normal. i had prayed for it (sort of, timidly, in a doubtful kind of way...), and there is no doubt that it is my heart's desire for a normal, healthy baby. but i hadn't expected it.

and yet, God gave us more than what we expected. again. it amazes me every time.

over lunch with my mother-in-law, amid giddy grins and giggles at the blessing we have been given, i admitted that i hadn't prayed "big enough". she smiled at me and said, "i did!" we have received cards from prayer rooms in churches we don't attend, emails from people we barely know, texts full of God's promises through scripture from our life group teacher, and countless hugs, phone calls, and encouragement from people all saying the same thing: our God is great and we are praying for His great hand in the life of your precious son and in your hearts. i have never fully understood the whole "power of prayer" line; i do now. these prayers, these people, we feel it every day. and not just because God is blessing us. prayer is making a difference in our day-to-day lives, even on the tough days, especially on the tough days. we feel covered in God's love, His grace, and we know that He continues to work a mighty, mighty plan in our lives and in my body. it is so far beyond anything that we dared to hope for, so much better than anything we could have dreamed for ourselves, so miraculous and so beyond our control.

i am trying to remember to pray big. God expects it! it takes trust to pray big, something that doesn't come easily for me. i am so thankful that the people in our lives have the courage to pray big, that they are selfless enough to intercede to God on our behalf, and that He is blessing their faithfulness by showing up in our lives in an huge way.

i believe in the power of prayer. i believe in it because i have come to better know and understand the One to whom we pray. He is Almighty, Everlasting, my Prince of Peace and my Shelter in the storms. He hears us when we call and loves us more than we could ever imagine. there is none more powerful, none more praiseworthy, and none other to whom i will ever pray.

those crazy in-laws

i have a great family. they understand me (usually) and love me unconditionally. it's rare to find that with in-laws. stereotypically, they are awful. the beast of a mother-in-law, the cranky sister-in-law, the bratty kids, and let's not forget the crazy, gruff, and unlovable father-in-law.

lest i make them gasp any louder, let me say that these descriptions do not apply to my in-laws. don't get me wrong...we have had our moments...but God has blessed me by allowing me to be a part of this family and i am thankful for their love and friendship.

recently, God blessed me specifically through them. it's rare that i leave an interaction with our nieces and nephew feeling anything other than happy and loved, but friday evening was a rare glimpse into their hearts, into the people they will turn out to be and into the hearts of those who have raised them to be that way.

it started with a birthday party. there was taco salad and a tiny slice of spider man cake for me (delicious!). as usual, uncle jj performed magic tricks (which lily and luke loved and which caused skeptical little scarlet to turn up her nose), presents were opened, and after spider man had climbed onto his new fire truck, everyone began heading for home. since i had nothing better to do, i decided to hang out for a while and propped my hugely swollen feet up on the couch.

instantly, my brother-in-law, mark, and sister-in-law, tara, made faces of pain mixed with sadness. and then i realized they were looking at my feet. i jokingly suggested that perhaps one of them wanted to rub my feet (you have to understand...i do not have feet that smell like roses...). the first one to jump at that wonderful opportunity was tara. she sat right down, put my feet in her lap, and began in kindness what turned out to be an hour and a half foot massage. yes...an hour and a half. for free. it was amazing. mark made lots of sympathetic comments along the way, encouraging tara to continue massaging the swelling out of my feet. she finally stopped only when she said she could feel my bones again. i will never be able to repay such selflessness.

during all of this fantastic foot-rubbing, the kids took over the massaging of my heart. we have a big ultrasound tomorrow and this week has been tough for us emotionally. i was glad to be at their house, but wasn't feeling especially cheery or happy. all three kids started their care for me by showering my huge belly with loving pats, little kisses, and lots of conversation with brooks. they told him how much they loved him, they asked about his growth and where he was in my belly, they asked about what he's doing in there. we laughed as i struggled to come up with answers to questions i ask regularly. luke, the youngest, alternately played with his new toys and hugged my belly while lily, the middle child, made a nest at my side, talked sweetly to brooks, and patted my hand during my foot massage.

scarlet, the oldest, not to be outdone by her mother, shared with me that head massage was her specialty. i, of course, requested a demonstration, and while she brushed my hair and scratched my head she started asking me questions. she started with, "what did you do as a child?" i had to ask for clarification, which she gave, saying that she was trying to "get to know her ancestors". this cracked me up and after i explained that i was not an ancestor (ancestors are dead...this was my reasoning...), we started chatting about my childhood. she wanted to know what i did in school, what games i played with my sister, what i did to get in trouble, how my parents acted, and what books i liked to read. this went on for about 30 minutes, and afterward she looked me in the eyes and said so sincerely, "thank you aunt jenn. i am so glad i was able to get to know you better." as i was leaving she said, "i sure will miss you."

i got in my car feeling much less swollen and lighter in spirit. these people made me feel loved, cared for, and beyond special. i will always remember that night, and i will tell brooks about how aunt tida, uncle mark, and his three crazy cousins spent time loving him before he was even born. God has blessed me through all of my husband's sweet family, but this was a special time of healing for me, one that i am thankful i took the time to enjoy.

our God is greater

when we were going through fertility treatments and dealing with the loss of our two previous babies, there were lots of trips to the doctor's office. they were always so hard for me, as i anticipated the bad news that i had been told was likely coming. even now, when we have had so much good news, so much to praise Him for, those rides to the doctor's office are still difficult for me. satan gets in my mind during those times and i can pretty easily work myself into tears in a short amount of time.

jeremy does a great job of helping me focus on the Lord, reminding me of all the things He has done in our lives, holding me closely and calming me down. sometimes, we meet at the office and my time in the car is spent alone; these are my hardest times, when i am alone with my thoughts. the perfect song played at the perfect time by those blessed folks in Christian music always blesses my heart. almost every trip, the song "our God is greater" by chris tomlin has been played. eventually, i got the point. now, i sing it even if it's not on. sometimes, i tell satan (out loud) to get out of my car; i remind him that i am a child of the King and that he has no place in my life. i believe he is real and we have the ability through the power of Christ to command him to leave us alone.

the words to that song come to mind today again, not because i am struggling today (although the day isn't over), but because yesterday marked a milestone in the life of our precious son. he is 28 weeks old. when we first started talking with doctors five or six years ago about conceiving a child, they told us we would be lucky to make it to 28 weeks, lucky to have a healthy baby, lucky to have one that wouldn't be in the hospital for weeks or even months. we seriously considered never trying to conceive, our concerns many that we might make a selfish decision that would cause our child to have a poor quality of life. if you know our story, you know that through years of prayer, we started the process of adoption, but never made a conscious decision to avoid conception. this was a difficult decision, but was one that we felt unmistakenly called to. we pursued both avenues, knowing the Lord would provide in whatever way would bring us the most good and Him the most glory.

these last six months of being pregnant with brooks have been hard, confusing, uncomfortable, and full of questions. they have been the best six months of our lives. we love him so much and feel so blessed to be his parents. we don't know all that lies ahead, but we do know this:

our God is greater
our God is stronger, higher than any other
our God is Healer, awesome in power
and if our God is for us, then who could ever be against us?
 (the answer is no one!)

i'm not sure why i am surprised that we're at 28 weeks. my prayers are for as many days as He'll give us, for as many as it takes for brooks to be all that He has made him to be. my prayers are for patience, for trust, for forgiveness when i doubt, and for a strong grip on my ever-wavering and fragile heart. each day, each hour, each minute that we have with brooks is an answer to those prayers. he is our beautiful gift from God, one that we do not deserve, but that we want and thank Him for with all of our hearts. He shows us each day that He is greater. our God is greater.