blessings and lessons

we're pregnant.

those two words are heavy with emotion for me. i am surprised. i am terrified. i am hopeful. i am beyond thankful.

it's early, and we are still holding our breath, waiting on the Lord. the path has had bumps already, but He is blessing us along the way.

so why talk about it now? why so early? why discuss it when it certainly may not work out the way we want? because, as usual, He is teaching me through it.

a close friend recently verbalized exactly what i was thinking: "surely you've learned all the lessons God was trying to teach you. surely this time it will work out. you can't be that hard-headed." i laughed at how well she knew me and told the story to another friend, someone who doesn't share the same beliefs i have about God. it didn't occur to me that she would take me seriously. but when she said something to the effect of "i don't believe in that" i was speechless. what i should have said was, "neither do i". but i got all tongue-tied and i failed to share my trust and hope in a loving God.

has God taught me things through the loss and grief that i have been through? most definitely. do i believe he caused them to happen so that i would learn my lessons? no, i don't. while the bible does tell of a God who is jealous, wrathful, and just, it also speaks of a God who loves us furiously, passionately, in ways we can never comprehend. even his jealousy, wrath, and justice stem from love. i don't think He is petty enough to cause pain so that i will learn a lesson.

God allows pain, just like He allows joy. He allows confusion and peace. He allows sadness and blessing. and some of it looks the same. i will never understand why my two babies are with Him instead of with me. but because i believe in His unfailing, unending, all-encompassing love for me, i accept that it just isn't something that i am meant to understand. the lessons i have learned in the process are just a bonus. they are meant to draw me closer to the God who loves me, to pull me into the arms that want nothing more than to hold me tightly.

so why doesn't He just hold me tightly all the time? why doesn't He bless me all the time? because i don't let Him. my free will allows me to make choices that sometimes take me far away from Him. He never moves...He waits for me to be ready, for me to choose to listen to Him, to see what He has for me. when i stray from His will, there are consequences. when i am in His will, there are blessings. sometimes, He blesses me even when i am out of His will. and sometimes, there is pain even when i am in His will. it's all very confusing...unless you believe, as i do, that He holds the keys to my future. He knows what is best for me, and He is working His perfect will in my life, in spite of me.

losing my babies wasn't a punishment. it's just part of His plan. this tiny baby i have in my belly...another part of His plan. i am pouring my heart out, begging for His grace, His presence, His will in my life. and i am begging for a healthy baby, hoping that it is part of His perfect plan for my life. we strive so hard to understand God's ways, but we are limited to what we know to be "best" and "good" in this world; it's such a small view. Our ways are not God's ways; what seems perfect to us isn't always perfect to Him. and so i have to trust. i believe that He knows and wants what is best for me, for my husband, and for our baby. as long as we seek that, He will bless us and shepherd us through the hard times.

i am blessed at this chance to be a mother again. i am so grateful, so honored. thank you, Lord.

waiting

i know i just said i don't have any words...i found some. here they come.

i've talked a lot about the convergence of what seems to be our two very different paths: conception and adoption.

scrap all that.

the paths are all tangled, discombobulated, twisted, and cockamamie.
the further we go, the more difficult balancing and distinguishing between the two becomes. what we do to try and advance one is often at the expense of advancing the other. and our hearts are getting caught in the middle.

for those of you who haven't been through anything like this, you're probably thinking, "what's the big deal? if you're pregnant, great! if you're not, then you adopt! also great! get over it." well, to those of you who feel that way, i politely say that you can't possibly know what you're talking about. it just isn't that simple.

someone said to me recently that life is like sitting down at a table to work a puzzle (we used to do this every thanksgiving at my grandmother's house). you start trying to put the puzzle together, only you don't know what the picture is. so you just try piece after piece until you find one that fits. even when several are fitting together, you still can't see the picture. this friend was trying to tell me that God knows the picture and that i am supposed to rely on that instead of trying to make all the pieces fit together. what i got out of the analogy was, "why the heck would i sit down to work a puzzle when i don't know what it looks like?!!"

and yet that is exactly what we are doing. we are trying to make pieces fit...trying to make sense of it all...trying to, with our own hands, affect the outcome of the whole puzzle. and yet, without knowing what it looks like, we can't possibly be successful. and so we have to wait for Him to fill in the pieces. i have to sit back...and wait. He has shown us so many pieces, and what i have seen is beautiful in places, sad in others, but perfect in that it is what He has in store for us.

if you can picture me sitting at a table with blank puzzle pieces in front of me, and if you know me at all, you will see that i am tapping my foot impatiently. i am sighing. i am rolling my eyes. i am hmmphff-ing. forgive me, Lord, but this is how i wait. it's all i know to do.

the mental and emotional effort in waiting should never be underestimated. it's exhausting. i cried all the way home tonight. partly because i've needed to cry all day and have been stuffing it (that never works for very long). partly because i am confused and afraid. but mostly because i am tired. i am tired of waiting. actually, i am tired of waiting without knowing exactly what i am waiting for. the wondering, the questions, the uncertainty...that just wears me out. i stink at waiting.

but that, apparently, is what i have been called to do. we have talked a lot today. we are praying and ask you to continue to. we still feel called to both conception and adoption. it feels soooo complicated that way, but along with waiting, that seems to be the plan.

and God reminded me today that waiting isn't doing nothing. He has called me to other things...things i can do while i wait. i can praise Him. i can worship Him. i can pray, for the desires of our hearts, for the needs of our souls, for my broken body and wounded spirit. and i can continue to pray for our baby and all the puzzle pieces that will eventually fit together to bring that baby home to us.

i can't see the picture. but i know it's perfect. i know it's beautiful. and i know it's not up to me to put it together. i will try to keep my hands in my lap and my eye-rolling to a minimum.

please pray

i haven't posted in a while. my heart is full but i don't really have words. i am anxious. i am hopeful. i am afraid (again...still...). God is working, in our hearts and our lives. i still can't see His plan, but it's there, and i am clinging to it with everything i know and trusting in it for everything i don't.

pray for His timing.
pray for His will.
pray for His hand to be visible and real.
pray for His peace.

pray for our fragile hearts.
pray for our baby.