symptomatology

there are some people out there who say they feel beautiful, sexy even, when they are pregnant. i am not those people.

don't get me wrong...i LOVE being pregnant and i am finally at a place where i think my belly looks cute (keep your trap shut if you disagree...). but sexy is not even in my vocabulary at this point.

it's funny to me how some women don't even know they are pregnant until sometime into their second trimester. even if i hadn't been checking everything daily like a maniac, there's no way that was slipping up on me. my symptoms wouldn't let me be surprised.

i think i've had them all...
nausea, vomiting, extreme exhaustion, having the appetite of a small dinosaur, hot flashes, sinus problems, headaches, swollen feet, a touch of high blood pressure, and heartburn/indigestion (i thought these were two different things, but i have been informed otherwise...). oh, and don't forget mood swings. God bless my sweet husband.

and now, i have the joy (and distinct honor) of adding another, lesser known symptom to my list. i have been diagnosed with meralgia paresthetica (when i say "i have been diagnosed", i mean that i googled it). sounds glamourous, right? oh...it is!! the short version is that my big o' belly (or my other uterus) is pushing on a tendon that is pinching off a nerve causing me to be unable to feel sensation on my thigh. it's totally numb. and it's very weird. i feel itchiness, and when i scratch the itch goes away, only i can't feel myself scratching...bizarre.... the doctor didn't even know what to call it (i told her i googled it. she didn't seem all that impressed).

so when people ask me, "how are you feeling?" i smile and say "great!"
and i do feel great. i have a beautiful baby growing in my belly and feel blessed beyond measure. symptoms and all.

just do it

be still, there is a Healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

be still, there is a river
that flows from Calvary's tree
a fountain for the thirsty
pure grace that washes over me

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever
   (by chris tomlin)

this is a newer song that has really taken root in my heart. the words speak of comfort, healing, mercy, and grace...all things that i have been blessed with from my God, all things that my heart continues to cry out for. but what specifically spoke to me was the line "i lift my hands to believe again." i think so many times in our lives, we think of thanking God, praising Him, lifting our hands to him, and believing in Him after He does what we want Him to. during the times of pain, confusion, and misunderstanding, we don't feel as easily compelled to lift our hands to Him.

but i interpret this line, "i lift my hands to believe again" to say that it's the lifting of our hands, the praising of His name, the thanking Him through the pain and in spite of the misunderstanding that actually leads us to the belief and trust that He wants for us. the act of worship is what brings us closer to His throne, and He wants us to worship Him in every circumstance. because it is every circumstance that He is working for our good. the obedience of worship, the sacrifice of doing it when we don't feel like it, brings the blessing we so long for.

i have found this to be true in my life, and i see people all around me whose hearts are breaking while they long to be closer to God. i have friends in crisis, family members in pain, and they (like i have done and still do sometimes) continue to try to manage things themselves. they are broken people; they feel trapped and desperate. but they still refuse to try God's way. i understand this. i have been there. it's so hard to see how His plan can be better when we are so far away from His voice. it's hard to get past our pride, our guilt, our own ideas of what works and what doesn't... and yet God tells us to believe in Him, to trust in Him, to worship Him anyway. it's so against what our hearts tell us, but our hearts are sinful, and they deceive us.

God doesn't go away. He doesn't give up. He doesn't stop chasing after His children. all we have to do is to stop and lift our hands to Him. is sounds so simple. and it is.

i lift my hands to believe again
You are my rescue, You are my strength
as i pour out my heart
these things, i remember
You are faithful, God, forever.

learning to trust

so many of the lessons i have learned have been in trusting God. i was thinking recently about all that God has taught me over the last couple of years...and i was wondering what made learning to trust so difficult for me.

being on this side of things...feeling blessed...having my prayers answered...it's much easier to trust in Him. and yet, satan regularly tempts me to stop. trusting is a daily choice for me...it's a conscious decision i have to make. it makes no sense to me that i could have fear and worry after all He has done in my life..and yet i do sometimes.

i think trusting God is something you just have to do. it can't be reasoned out. it doesn't always feel good. it rarely adheres to our preconceived plans. in short, in our human hearts, it just doesn't make good sense. every unknowing part of us screams out that we can handle it, that there's no way the unseen can be better than whatever we have planned. and yet, it is. God's way is always better. it's not easier, necessarily, and it isn't free from pain. but it's better.

i don't understand everything that's happened in my life. but i made a choice to trust in His plan, and He has blessed me through that. i am so thrilled to be pregnant with a healthy baby so far. and i believe there is more happiness to come.  however, trusting God didn't "feel good" at first. it wasn't easy. but every day that i choose to trust makes it easier. feeling the peace that comes from letting go of my way helps me have the ability to do it again tomorrow. it's part of His blessing...that confirmation that He is in control, that He knows what He's doing, and that He loves us way too much to give us less than the best.

i am so thankful that He cares enough to remind me.