this stuff has been swirling around in my head for a week or two, working itself out in my heart as the Holy Spirit has been whispering, prodding, and convicting…
“the heart wants what it wants.”
i was listening to “adult radio” the other day when my son wasn’t in the car (our local top 40 station), singing along to these lyrics, when the wheels in my brain started turning. my first thought was that i should probably change the station…and my second thought was that i agreed with selena…the heart does want what it wants. our hearts are sinful and wicked, concerned only with ourselves, and we want what we want when we want it. but while the song was talking about this from a love/romance/sexuality perspective, i saw it differently.
we are created in the image of Christ, designed and built to desire relationship with and provide worship to Him. ultimately, that’s what our hearts want. it’s what they were created to want. sin doesn’t change that fact. our hearts crave communion with our Creator, and we search for it vigorously. we just don’t look in the right places. we use earthly relationships, jobs, hobbies, money, sex, and a multitude of other things to try to satiate the ache that our hearts cry out with. we are hungry for more of our Savior, thirsty for living water. but we fill our minds, our hearts, our homes with the things of the world that cannot satisfy us. and so, our hearts want. (see Psalm 42:2, 63:1, and 143:6…even king david’s heart thirsted for more.)
as Christians, we guard against the sinful desires of our hearts. we spend time reading God’s word, we spend time talking with Him in prayer, we practice living in ways that are pleasing to Him. and yet, we cannot fully rid ourselves of the sin in our hearts. we just can’t. it’s not that these efforts are fruitless or hopeless…drawing nearer to the Lord always brings blessing. even a little bit of Christ is better than all this world has to offer…and our hearts will always seek Him, or something else in place of Him.
i’ve seen this in my own life lately… my husband and i have been working on some things in our relationship, weeding out some issues, learning to love each other better. i’ve never been more aware of my selfish heart than during these conversations with him. even in my desire to be less selfish, to be a more godly wife, i see flesh, self, and stubbornness. another song has been playing in my head on repeat…
”burn away” by meredith andrews…
“burn away everything that breaks Your heart, everything that is not love. purify my every thought. take away everything that comes between us, everything that is untrue. Jesus make me more like you.”
even as i’ve been singing this, i’ve wondered if i could really honestly pray these lyrics. do i really want to be rid of everything that breaks God’s heart? what would that look like? would there be anything left of me if all of that was gone? and the Lord has answered with a resounding “then you would look like ME!” and that thought is like a rush of overwhelming, life-giving, crashing on the shores of my heart water. i’m not sure that there’s anything in me that would be left if everything that comes between me and Jesus were gone. and i know that that’s where i want to be. as much as i hold onto my pride, whatever i think i deserve…none of it matters. because my heart cries out for more Jesus. i long to love my husband, my family, my friends, my church, the way that He loves them. if He will only continue to break and tear and consume and burn away at my heart…not to stop wanting what it wants, but to seek hard for what it really wants.
