it's been a while since i've posted. i've just been busy...and my heart's been busy. or rather, God's been busy working in my heart. it's an interesting place that we are in right now. God has used many difficult times in my life to draw me to Him, but never before like this. i have been so broken, so saddened, not just by our miscarriages, but by the realization that i fall so short of what He intends for me. and He is using it all...every single broken piece, every fragment and shred that i have left, every battered and bruised part of my soul. He is using it to show me who He is. i am learning to love God and have come to trust Him for who He is, not for what He does. because things in my life aren't exactly working out the way i planned. and fortunately for me, God isn't working in my life the way i'd planned, either. He is working the way He planned. and amen to that!!
God is blessing me through my precious husband. jeremy's always been a nice guy, a good husband. but he has been as broken by the last few months as i have, and he has managed to keep it all together. he has been my strength. he made me get out of bed, made me paint the fireplace mantle (his little trick to get me doing something i love), and has allowed me into the beautiful parts of his soul that i had not yet had the privilege of seeing. God is so evident in his life. he is earnestly seeking God, trying to be the man God has called him to be. he encourages me daily, challenges me to live in ways that are more pleasing to God. he keeps me honest and loves me perfectly. our marriage hasn't always been easy, but remaining committed to each other, sometimes when we didn't want to (i can't imagine living with me...), has been the biggest blessing of my life. obviously, God's way is best...but this is proof that i can physically see, a wonderful display of what God can do with imperfect people when we allow ourselves to be used by Him, when we choose to be obedient.
God is also working in other ways. both jeremy and i feel distinctly and unmistakably called towards adoption. we also hope to become pregnant again, with anxious and hopeful hearts. it's kind of a mixed calling, i guess, but i know that God will work it out in His perfect timing. i have no idea if either venture will end with a baby in my arms, but i trust that His perfect will will be done, whatever that looks like. i have finally been able to admit to myself, and to God (although He already knew, of course) how badly i want a child. it probably seems obvious, but i hadn't been able to admit it until this week. i have always said that my marriage was enough for me, and while this is true, i deeply want more than enough. is this selfish? perhaps...but i am just being honest. if it doesn't happen for us, i know that we will be ok. but in the meantime, i am pouring out my mother's heart to God. i know He hears my prayers, regardless of how He decides to answer. He knows the longing i feel. He knows how much my sweet husband wants to hold a tiny hand. He knows and He cares. and He is actively answering our prayers...we just can't see it all quite yet, and it may not look like what we have in mind.
i am excited to see what is ahead for us. i am curious, anxious, expectant. i am waiting to see what He has in store. and trusting in that unseen future is a daily exercise for me. it's a choice i have to consciously make every day, sometimes multiple times a day. trust doesn't come naturally, and the world throws me many reasons to doubt my God. but i believe romans 8:28 that "all things work together for good". so i am settling in. i am hunkering down in preparation for the storms that i know will still come. i am waiting on the Lord. and i am trusting.
No comments:
Post a Comment