ahhhhh...freak out!

i am working on something for my husband. it's a new tool to help him know ahead of time how large of a freak-out i am about to have. you see, i caught him a little bit off guard last night and i thought he might be able to deal with my little disasters if he at least knew what to expect. after almost eight years of marriage, he has definitely been exposed to all levels of freaking out, but he still hasn't found a way to see them coming. i feel obliged to help him out. bless his soul.

i think there are three levels (possibly more, depending on what the future holds) of freaking out. the first level is a "mini" freak-out (this is what occurred last night). it involves a minimal amount of tears (possibly even none) that can be stopped easily and fairly quickly. the crankiness in a mini freak-out comes and goes. the rearranging of furniture lasts only briefly and involves only one or two not-very-heavy pieces. the mini freak-out is caused by general feelings of overwhelmedness, messes in the kitchen, the purchasing of small amounts of new furniture, etc. the cure for the mini freak-out is a nice hug, a cup of tea, and the moving of whatever furniture is necessary to make the freak-out stop. it also is cured by cleaning the kitchen.

the second level is a "whoa what's your problem" freak-out. the wwypfo is a good deal worse than the mini and involves a decent amount of tears, some yelling, and some forceful cleaning and slamming of doors, cabinets, etc. i haven't had one of these in a while, but i am describing it here for my husband's benefit. the wwypfo is caused by p.m.s., an accumulation of laundry (greater than usual, which for us is an exorbitant amount), congealed milk being left in cereal bowls more than four days in a row, minor damage to a car or piece of clothing, etc. the wwypfo is best stopped by an immediate utterance of "i'm sorry, you're right, i'm wrong" followed by the correction of whatever caused the wwypfo in the first place. the wwypfo must be followed up on the next day (typically) with a hug and a reiteration of the aforementioned "i'm sorry" and the details of what occurred during the wwypfo must never be discussed.

the third (and hopefully final) level is the "run for your life" freak-out. one should use caution when dealing with this freak-out as injury can occur. it may involve objects being hurled through the air, mean words yelled at never before heard decibels, and tears to the point of being unable to understand the person who is having the freak-out. eerily, this freak-out can be caused by just about anything. it sometimes follows the unresolved mini or wwypfo (these can escalate quickly if not handled appropriately) and can also be the result of forgetting a birthday, anniversary, or otherwise special moment not recognized by the regular calendar. unfortunately, there is no cure for this freak-out so your best bet is to...yep, run for your life. you should NEVER use this freak-out as a chance to bring up prior freak-outs or to point out flaws in the freaker-outer's appearance or weight (doing so will be at risk to your life).

i hope this helps my dear husband. i hope he keeps these descriptions with him at all times so that he can learn to identify the type of freak-out i am about to have, am having, or that he has just survived. i hope it will be some length of time before he has to experience the next one.