so much of my mental and emotional struggles over the last year have centered on the difficulty i have had in pursuing both adoption and conception. i have encountered so many misconceptions about both (including some in my own thinking) and in general, the popular view is that they are mutually exclusive: you can conceive, or you can't so you adopt. because that isn't really the case with us and we are pursuing both at the same time, it's been confusing. it feels strange trying infertility treatments at the same time that we are interviewing with our adoption agency. but it has felt right, too.
there have been multiple stops along the way that God has used to provide confirmation of one or both avenues, and being able to look back and see how the dots have been connecting all along provides comfort, assurance, and hope. we have prayed constantly that God would make the correct path(s) clear to us...and here's how He's been working:
it all started back when i was a teenager and was intially diagnosed with my crazy double uterus. the first doctor i saw said i would never have children and recommended a complete hysterectomy...at age 16! fortunately for me, my parents sought the Lord's will and He led them to seek a second opinion. the second doctor had a different view and ultimately decided on the surgery that would allow my husband and i to experience the brief joys of being pregnant twice. when we started having difficulties, He led us to a doctor who doesn't typically even see patients like me. i'm not sure why we got scheduled to see Him...but he was kind, compassionate, and supported our need to do everything possible to try and sustain both of our pregnancies. he knew they would both result in miscarriage before we did, of course, but he saw beyond the physical need and took care of us emotionally. he supported our belief in life at conception and i will always be greatful for his care during such difficult times.
when this doctor suggested we see a specialist, he recommended the best physician he knew...and it just happened to be the doctor that had done my original surgery. we called to schedule an appointment; he said he wasn't seeing new patients and couldn't help me. we hung up and i felt so discouraged, not knowing where to turn. and then he called me back. his nurse said he had changed his mind and would see us the very next day. funny how things work like that...
in the meantime, while God was working all that out, He has given us multiple confirmations of the path to adoption. many of you know how big a part Christian music plays in my life. God uses it more often than anything else to speak His love, His will, and His conviction into my life. it was at a Christian concert that i felt the distinct call to attend the university where i met my husband. and once we had begun researching adoption, He used the testimonies of Christian artists and speakers to help us feel sure about this road. along the way has been song after song about adoption, God's plan, trusting in Him, and His love that have guided us so gently along both of these apparently converging paths. most recently, at a Christian concert i felt too old to be enjoying, there was more to hear about how God has worked in lives through adoption.
it's unbelievable, really. that God would give me all of this...just because He knows i need it to feel sure of what we're doing. it's just one of the ways He is loving me. and He's showing me that what i think are two very separate paths may in fact both be on the same path. once again, God says to me "I've got this baby girl. don't worry. have hope. trust Me."
a page full of numbered dots doesn't look like much. but when you start connecting them, a beautiful picture unfolds. that beauty has been there all along...just waiting to be seen for what it is.
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