asking

to the one whose dreams are falling all apart
and all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
i can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not alone

have you heard of the One who can calm the raging sea
give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
with a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

His are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
His are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me
His are the hands that healed the leper
pulled the lame up to their feet
His are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

you will be safe in His arms
-phil wickham

*******************************************

i was praying for my mother-in-law last night. we were told she likely had cancer and she was going for more tests today. i am not a very good pray-er...i get distracted easily. sometimes i fall asleep. i talk too much and forget to listen. but i thought i was doing well last night. i was praying that she would feel peace at the doctor's office, that she wouldn't feel alone, that the doctors would know how to treat her. and then God pricked my heart. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal her.

i was speechless for once in my life. i opened my eyes and began trying to answer the question. why hadn't i asked Him to heal her? i believe He can. i have seen Him heal others. so why not ask Him? what's it going to hurt? and so i did. i prayed that if she truly had cancer, that He would take it away, that whatever they saw last week wouldn't be there anymore. i had such a sense of peace in my heart. i have never asked God to heal someone i love before...i have never had to trust Him to do that. it felt good to believe that He could heal her, that He would heal her if it was His will.

and then He very softly asked me another question. He asked me why i hadn't asked Him to heal me. i have uterine abnormalities, gene mutations, wacko hormones, and only He knows what else. i have prayed for (and received) emotional healing. i have prayed for Him to work in my life and in my marriage, and He has. i have prayed that my doctors would be kind and compassionate, that they would have the knowledge to treat my problems; they have been all of these things. i have prayed for confirmation of our calling to adoption. God has given us this confirmation time and time again and has opened doors for us on this path. i have prayed for His guidance and for help in trusting Him, help in knowing His will, help in making right decisions. He has provided all of this and more.

and yet i have never had the boldness to ask for physical healing. i have told Him the desires of my heart, but i have never asked Him to give me the desires of my heart. i didn't realize there was a difference. but last night in the quiet of those moments in prayer, i saw a vast difference. telling God what i want doesn't cost me anything. He already knows what i want. it's not news to Him. but asking Him for what i want is a lot more emotionally expensive. and the price is in a currency with which i am unfamiliar: trust. to ask Him to meet a need is to trust and believe that He will meet it. it means having hope and expecting Him to heal my body. it means believing that He will allow me to have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby.

hope feels dangerous to me. allowing myself to hope means that i might be broken again. being discouraged is so much less risky. it's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. it doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. i can do it so effortlessly. having hope requires emotional effort. it requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that i let go of the reins and allow Him to handle the ride. why is this so hard for me? He has done so much in my life...

and lest i manage to really start trusting Him...there's the ever-present voice that asks, "why would He heal you? what makes you so special? what makes you think He would choose to do a miracle like that for you?" these aren't easy questions for me, and i'm still working on my answers, but there are a few things i know:

i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.
i am a child of the King.

He loves me more than i will ever understand and His word says to ask for His hand on my life and in my life. He chose to give His only Son's life so that i could be with Him forever. and somehow in all of that, He promises to hear my prayers. He promises to give me the desires of my heart. and He says that i can boldly come to His throne in prayer, without fear, without shame, even and especially with a heart full of questions and pain.

so i am asking. i am asking for His will and i am asking for two babies, both healthy, one through a healthy biologic pregnancy, and one through adoption. i am asking to get to hold them, to get to love them, and to get to know them. this is the desire of my heart.

p.s.: my mother-in-law's tests showed no cancer today. maybe it's because of my prayers. maybe it isn't. but i was blessed in praying for her. i was blessed by trusting in Him to heal her. i am so thankful.