waiting

i know i just said i don't have any words...i found some. here they come.

i've talked a lot about the convergence of what seems to be our two very different paths: conception and adoption.

scrap all that.

the paths are all tangled, discombobulated, twisted, and cockamamie.
the further we go, the more difficult balancing and distinguishing between the two becomes. what we do to try and advance one is often at the expense of advancing the other. and our hearts are getting caught in the middle.

for those of you who haven't been through anything like this, you're probably thinking, "what's the big deal? if you're pregnant, great! if you're not, then you adopt! also great! get over it." well, to those of you who feel that way, i politely say that you can't possibly know what you're talking about. it just isn't that simple.

someone said to me recently that life is like sitting down at a table to work a puzzle (we used to do this every thanksgiving at my grandmother's house). you start trying to put the puzzle together, only you don't know what the picture is. so you just try piece after piece until you find one that fits. even when several are fitting together, you still can't see the picture. this friend was trying to tell me that God knows the picture and that i am supposed to rely on that instead of trying to make all the pieces fit together. what i got out of the analogy was, "why the heck would i sit down to work a puzzle when i don't know what it looks like?!!"

and yet that is exactly what we are doing. we are trying to make pieces fit...trying to make sense of it all...trying to, with our own hands, affect the outcome of the whole puzzle. and yet, without knowing what it looks like, we can't possibly be successful. and so we have to wait for Him to fill in the pieces. i have to sit back...and wait. He has shown us so many pieces, and what i have seen is beautiful in places, sad in others, but perfect in that it is what He has in store for us.

if you can picture me sitting at a table with blank puzzle pieces in front of me, and if you know me at all, you will see that i am tapping my foot impatiently. i am sighing. i am rolling my eyes. i am hmmphff-ing. forgive me, Lord, but this is how i wait. it's all i know to do.

the mental and emotional effort in waiting should never be underestimated. it's exhausting. i cried all the way home tonight. partly because i've needed to cry all day and have been stuffing it (that never works for very long). partly because i am confused and afraid. but mostly because i am tired. i am tired of waiting. actually, i am tired of waiting without knowing exactly what i am waiting for. the wondering, the questions, the uncertainty...that just wears me out. i stink at waiting.

but that, apparently, is what i have been called to do. we have talked a lot today. we are praying and ask you to continue to. we still feel called to both conception and adoption. it feels soooo complicated that way, but along with waiting, that seems to be the plan.

and God reminded me today that waiting isn't doing nothing. He has called me to other things...things i can do while i wait. i can praise Him. i can worship Him. i can pray, for the desires of our hearts, for the needs of our souls, for my broken body and wounded spirit. and i can continue to pray for our baby and all the puzzle pieces that will eventually fit together to bring that baby home to us.

i can't see the picture. but i know it's perfect. i know it's beautiful. and i know it's not up to me to put it together. i will try to keep my hands in my lap and my eye-rolling to a minimum.