blessings and lessons

we're pregnant.

those two words are heavy with emotion for me. i am surprised. i am terrified. i am hopeful. i am beyond thankful.

it's early, and we are still holding our breath, waiting on the Lord. the path has had bumps already, but He is blessing us along the way.

so why talk about it now? why so early? why discuss it when it certainly may not work out the way we want? because, as usual, He is teaching me through it.

a close friend recently verbalized exactly what i was thinking: "surely you've learned all the lessons God was trying to teach you. surely this time it will work out. you can't be that hard-headed." i laughed at how well she knew me and told the story to another friend, someone who doesn't share the same beliefs i have about God. it didn't occur to me that she would take me seriously. but when she said something to the effect of "i don't believe in that" i was speechless. what i should have said was, "neither do i". but i got all tongue-tied and i failed to share my trust and hope in a loving God.

has God taught me things through the loss and grief that i have been through? most definitely. do i believe he caused them to happen so that i would learn my lessons? no, i don't. while the bible does tell of a God who is jealous, wrathful, and just, it also speaks of a God who loves us furiously, passionately, in ways we can never comprehend. even his jealousy, wrath, and justice stem from love. i don't think He is petty enough to cause pain so that i will learn a lesson.

God allows pain, just like He allows joy. He allows confusion and peace. He allows sadness and blessing. and some of it looks the same. i will never understand why my two babies are with Him instead of with me. but because i believe in His unfailing, unending, all-encompassing love for me, i accept that it just isn't something that i am meant to understand. the lessons i have learned in the process are just a bonus. they are meant to draw me closer to the God who loves me, to pull me into the arms that want nothing more than to hold me tightly.

so why doesn't He just hold me tightly all the time? why doesn't He bless me all the time? because i don't let Him. my free will allows me to make choices that sometimes take me far away from Him. He never moves...He waits for me to be ready, for me to choose to listen to Him, to see what He has for me. when i stray from His will, there are consequences. when i am in His will, there are blessings. sometimes, He blesses me even when i am out of His will. and sometimes, there is pain even when i am in His will. it's all very confusing...unless you believe, as i do, that He holds the keys to my future. He knows what is best for me, and He is working His perfect will in my life, in spite of me.

losing my babies wasn't a punishment. it's just part of His plan. this tiny baby i have in my belly...another part of His plan. i am pouring my heart out, begging for His grace, His presence, His will in my life. and i am begging for a healthy baby, hoping that it is part of His perfect plan for my life. we strive so hard to understand God's ways, but we are limited to what we know to be "best" and "good" in this world; it's such a small view. Our ways are not God's ways; what seems perfect to us isn't always perfect to Him. and so i have to trust. i believe that He knows and wants what is best for me, for my husband, and for our baby. as long as we seek that, He will bless us and shepherd us through the hard times.

i am blessed at this chance to be a mother again. i am so grateful, so honored. thank you, Lord.