when i was little, i remember my parents trying to get me to eat things that i didn't think i liked. in particular, i remember fighting them about peas. they were mushy, green, and hard to get on my fork...i saw nothing good about peas. and yet they would always tell me, "just try them. trust us. you will like them!" eventually, many bites of peas later, i did start liking peas. but occasionally, even after this, my little mind forgot that i liked them and i fought my parents all over again the next time the peas were served. it was a cycle that didn't really end until i became an adult. i like peas now, but it took me so many little painful bites to get to that point.
if you're wondering what my point might be...i'm getting there. i think trusting God is a little like this. i talk a lot about trust because it's something that i continually struggle with. i knew writing all these blogs about trusting God would come back to bite me. and by "bite me", i mean that i knew God would bring them to my memory whenever i started having doubts again. He came through last night and today, as usual.
we've reached a point in our pregnancy journey where we aren't having ultrasounds very often, and the progress we are making is hard to see. i haven't felt the baby move yet and even though my trusted pregnancy website says it's ok, i started having doubts. over the weekend, my doubt turned to anxiety, and my anxiety quickly became fear. i spent a restless night tossing and turning, feeling of my belly every time i woke up, only to feel nothing and have my fears flare up again.
i prayed each time before i fell back asleep, "Lord, please help me with my doubt. please keep our baby safe. please let everything be ok." and then, just before i slipped off again, i would softly plead, "and please let me feel it kick." i never felt the baby kick. so today, i took matters into my own hands and called the doctor. we went in for a quick heartbeat check (which was perfect) and our little baby kicked twice in the two minutes we were listening to the heartbeat. i still couldn't feel it, but it was a relief to hear and to know that everything was ok in there. we breathed a huge sigh of relief, said a prayer of thanks to God, and went on with our day.
only when i got in the car did God start talking to me about those peas. it's like i had forgotton how good it was to trust Him. all through the night He had been saying, "just try Me, trust Me, you'll like it" and i fought back with my fearful little heart. of course, once the peas were in my mouth, once we heard the heartbeat and had the proof we wanted of God's goodness, only then did i remember how delicious the peas were.
i am reminded of matthew 6:27-33. i was asking for proof that He heard me last night. and yet His word, His creation, the life i have inside of me...all of this is more proof than i deserve. He cares about the lilies of the field. and He cares about me. all i have to do is believe. all i have to do is trust in His word, in His hand, and in His love.
last night, i turned my nose up at the peas on my plate. but today i was reminded. and i pray for more reminders. i pray for more peas.
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