our son will be here in a matter of weeks. that completely and totally blows my mind. i find myself alternately laughing and crying with the emotion of it all. it's quite overwhelming, and not just because i am scared to death to be responsible for this tiny little boy inside of me.
God's goodness overwhelms me. "thankful" doesn't even begin to convey what i feel...so the tears and laughter overflow in place of words. when i think about the ways God has dealt with my heart over the last several years, i am overtaken by the power of the grace He has shown. there have been times i was untrusting, times i was living in opposition to His holiness, and times i have been angry and sinful. through some of these times, He has "jerked a knot in my tail", as my mother would say. He has used others in my life, used circumstances and scripture, to grab my attention in a way that wouldn't let me continue to be disobedient. those times were painful and necessary, and i am so thankful that God called me out and helped me see that my way was the wrong way.
other times, He has dealt with me more gently. when my heart has been fragile, when i was seeking forgiveness and reassurance, when i was crying out for the heavenly Father i knew i so desperately needed, He was kind and loving and ready with arms outstretched. when my world was collapsing in on me, when i couldn't see His plan, when the sadness overwhelmed me, He was tender and continued to seek my heart, never giving up.
through all of my life, He has pursued me with a passion that i still don't fully realize. He pursues each of us this way, whether we know it or not. He longs for us to understand His love for us, in times of pain and in times of joy. and He will do whatever it takes to get our attention. just like any other parent, this sometimes involves discipline. other times, i think He sits back and just enjoys watching us marvel at the blessings He provides.
i'm sure i will require more discipline as i walk through this life. but right now, i am fully immersed in the marvel stage. i am so thankful for His mercy, for His grace, for His deliverance from the pain and sadness, for being rescued from the crippling fear. i am in awe of what He has done to win my heart; He sent His only Son to die for me on the cross, to take the punishment for sin that i so deserve. and even when i have spit in the face of that amazing gift, He has continued to love me unwaveringly. He has even gone so far as to forgive me, over and over. and He has somehow seen fit to bless me unbelievably. this baby i will soon meet, our little brooks...i will never understand how he has come to be, how i have been allowed to be his mother, how God has chosen to heal what everyone said would never work. none of it makes sense. and yet all of it is a part of His plan for my life. the magnitude of the gift of this child i carry is more than my mind can comprehend. but i am thankful beyond words.
and so i sit and cry on my couch. i laugh as i take a shower. and i cry over my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. i just can't believe He loves me this much. but He does. and He loves you that much too.
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