lynnley

perhaps after reading my last two posts, you're thinking "doesn't she have a daughter?"

i do. and she is such a joy. let me tell you about her.

if you've read lynnley's birth story ("of anxiety and ambulances" and "faithful"), you know she's also a miracle we received from the Lord. but i haven't talked about how she came to be. and this is one i want her to know some day.

after all we went through with brooks, i wasn't sure i could handle going through it again. i was afraid of having another miscarriage, another difficult pregnancy... i was afraid of being afraid again. and so, i dug in my heels and said that i didn't want another baby. jeremy initially agreed, but his heart started longing for another little person to complete our family. i resisted, adamantly. i wanted to want a second baby as much as we had wanted brooks, and my heart at that time just didn't feel that way. i knew it was all from fear, from not trusting in the Lord, but i just couldn't get over it. to his credit, jeremy didn't push me. he would ask if i felt differently from time to time, but he let me take my time getting there. eventually, he became more insistent, and i realized that i needed to take some heart inventory and figure this thing out.

after some prayer and wise counsel, i decided to fast for a week to spend time in prayer specifically for this matter. i ate vegetables and drank water, but stayed away from everything else, and during the times i wanted to eat something that wasn't vegetables or water, i prayed. let me tell you... i prayed a lot that week. i told God all the things He already knew. but i asked ultimately for His will. and asked that if He wanted to bring another baby into our family, that He change my heart, because i really, really, really, wanted to be madly in love with this baby before he or she even existed. by the end of the week. my grumbling begrudging prayers to "change my heart" became sincere desires laid before the Lord. and i found myself praying, "Lord, i want another baby." i was scared to death, but He had heard me, and answered me. He had changed my heart. it seems as if He was merely waiting on me to ask, because very quickly, we were pregnant. and the rest, they say, is history.

our sweet lynnley. she's so obviously the perfect bookend to our family of four. she's sweet, loving, happy. she nursed like a champ, something i didn't get to do for very long with brooks. i worry that i don't spend enough time with her. that she may also have TS. that she will feel slighted growing up in the shadow of an older brother who commands everyone's attention. that she won't think i love her as much.

but lynnley weston, there are a few things i know for sure. firstly, you, my daughter, are the balm to my often raw soul. whether you have TS in the future or something else or nothing else, you are perfect. God has made both you and brooks exactly in His image in such a way that you will bring glory to Him. each of you were an answer to many prayers, and are evidence of God's work in my heart and in my body. secondly, i promise i'll get it together. I'm learning to divide my time, to love each of you in your own special ways. i love being your momma, and i hope you always feel that. you are so very special to us, to me. your brother loves you like crazy, and i think you'll grow up adoring him, too. i don't know what the Lord has in store for you, but i can't wait to be a part of it. i love you my precious baby girl. God knew how much i would want you in my life before i even did, and i'm eternally thankful that He allowed me to see His bigger plan for our lives.