pervasive

continued from "an update":

so i am being broken so that God can mend. poured out, so that He can fill. made thirsty, so that i will crave Living Water. yet again, His plans are not my plans, and He is daily showing me why.

recently, i read a devotional about praying scripture for my children. the prayer this day asked that i pray that my children would enter into "pervasive repentance". as i prayed that for them, who at 1 and 5 don't have too many awful sins to repent of, the Lord pricked my heart to look inward at my own. what sin did i have that required pervasive repentance? in my pride, i couldn't think of anything so awful in my life that the word "pervasive" applied to... pervasive means spreading widely throughout. i think over the years my definition of even "repentance" has gotten watered down. repentance for me now looks like trying harder, "working on it"... all things that don't require that much of me usually. and it's not like i'm out there murdering people, right? and yet, this phrase stayed with me, so i began to ask God, semi-reluctantly, to show me what required pervasive repentance in my life.

the Lord answered that prayer fairly quickly. one night, brooks was in our bed after suffering from a horrible night terror, one in which he had his eyes open, looking at my face, but was screaming for me to come to him. he couldn't see me or hear me, and he was terrified. once the night terror had passed (these are common in kids with TS; they typically have no memory of the incident and he can never tell me exactly what he's afraid of), brooks was finally asleep next to me. during this particular one, he had also screamed some things that hurt my feelings. so in addition to feeling helpless to rescue him from the terror in his mind, i also felt wounded and broken. when he finally fell asleep, i could hold it in no longer. i lay next to him with my hands hovering over his body (he asked that I not touch him), sobbing uncontrollably, begging God to take this from him, from us, to heal my little boy. i confessed to my God that i could not imagine living a life without my sweet brooks, the miracle baby He had given me just five years ago. i poured out my pain to Him, telling Him how very much i loved my son, how i couldn't stand to see him suffer in this way. and it was like something clicked in my heart.

i heard the Holy Spirit say very gently to me, "pervasive repentance". i stopped sobbing as if being more quiet might help clarify what i knew He'd just told me. "Pervasive." "Repentance."

i knew the idol i was being called to give up. i was worshipping the miracle, not the Miracle-Maker. i was focused on the gift, not the Giver. and this, this all-consuming love i have for my child, this is what i was being asked to repent of. "How?" my heart asked. how in the world could i love my son less? how could i care for him differently? and then i realized what God was actually asking of me. He knows me, you see. He gave me my momma heart. He sees me break when my children break, cry when they cry. He gifted me with the ability to love them whole-heartedly and unconditionally. He didn't want me to love brooks less. He wants me to love Him more. "Oh" my heart answered. such a simple thing. Love God more. and yet i know this is something i will strive for all my life. and so i am asking daily for His help. Show me, Lord, how to love you more. Teach me, keep breaking me, until the very core of who i am cries out for You first, for You only.