so far...

it's been almost two weeks since our sweet brooks came screaming into the world. they say having a baby changes your life. they are right.

sure, there's the "up all night", the feedings, the diapers, the crying...that's a given. then there's all the things they don't tell you (i can't tell you here...it would break the code of silence). and then there are the changes that happen to your heart.

i would die for this little person. no questions asked. no hesitation. and i am pretty sure i could kill a wild animal with my bare hands if necessary to protect him. he eats, poops, sleeps, cries, and looks at me with those huge eyes...and my heart and life have been forever changed. i have been surprised and impressed by the intensity of my love for him. i'm not sure i can even describe it, really. but it's been somewhat overwhelming...in a great way, but something i am having to adjust to. i thought i felt such a huge amount of love for him when i was carrying him in my belly, and i did, but now that he's here...i just can't put it into words.

this little boy is exactly what we prayed and longed for. our family feels so complete. it's funny...we never asked God for anyone specific. we didn't ask for dark hair (well, i kinda asked for him to look like my sweet husband...), we didn't specify a boy or girl, we didn't ask for a particular personality, eye color, whose nose he would have. honestly, we didn't know to. but God knew. He gave us exactly what our hearts wanted, abundantly and extravagantly, beyond what we even knew to ask for. he is perfect and he is perfect for our family.

in retrospect, the long road here seems traumatic to me. at the time, it was scary. we were scared for thirty-eight long weeks and two days. and then experiencing the emergent c-section...that was terrifying. i felt so helpless, unable to move, unable to do anything to save our baby. even now that it's all over, i am having a hard time dealing with all we have been through. it scares me still. and yet, God is using that to continue teaching me things. He is not a God of fear. He has shown me that time and time again, but satan uses fear as a way to rob us of the joys God has for us. not this time, satan. my son is one of the biggest blessings of my life (second only to my salvation and my husband) and fear is not going to keep me from enjoying every second of our lives together. His provision has allowed us these blessings, and His hands are ever present in brooks's life and in ours. there is no reason to fear the past or the present. i believe that...just have to pray for the courage and strength to live it.

motherhood is amazing. i don't quite have it all down yet, but my sweet child is patient with me and my husband is a wealth of knowledge (who knew?!) and together we are figuring it out. i feel so blessed, so happy. merry christmas to us.