just because

to know You is to never worry for my life. to know You is to never give in to compromise. to know You is to want to tell the world about You. to know You is to ache for more than ordinary. to know You is to look beyond the temporary. to know You is believing that You'll be enough. 'cause there's no life without You and i can't live without You. all this life can offer me cannot compare to You. and i count it all as loss compared to knowing You. -casting crowns "to know You"

these are the words that i needed to hear today. it's just a regular day. nothing awful has happened. nothing fantastic has happened. but my heart is feeling heavy. my mind is full of questions. about my future, about my own beliefs and convictions. to believe these words is to live them, to know them at the very core of who i am. and as much as i try to do that, i still have doubts. i was reminded recently by my sweet father of the words of "doubting thomas" in the Bible. thomas said he wouldn't believe that Jesus had risen from the dead until he was able to put his hands in the nail-prints in Jesus's hands, until he could touch His side where He was pierced with a spear. and then when Jesus appeared before him physically, when thomas was able to place his hands in Jesus's hands and to touch His side, he said this: "Lord, i believe. help my unbelief." this faith that i have in my God, even on my best days, is still full of unbelief, of distrust. i can't help it...i'm human. i have seen miracles in my life, dozens of them. i have seen God's hand at work. i have seen Him heal hearts and lives. and yet i still question whether or not He can or will do that in my life. it doesn't even make sense to feel that way. how could i question the Almighty God?

and yet i do. and He knows about my questions, He cares about my questions. i wonder if He is as incredulous at them as i would be if i were Him. somehow, i doubt that He is. after all, He knew i would have them before they even entered my mind. even with all the doubt, all the distrust, the worry, the efforts at doing things "my way"...He still loves me madly. He pursues me with such passion, day after day, week after week, year after year. because i am His. i am His. and that's really all that matters. He will answer my questions when He's ready, in His time. and in the meantime, He will hold me close, wipe my tears, and continue to love me just because He does. because that's just who He is.